Thoughts
Is it just a dream, or reality?
July 6, 2008 10:09 AM
I have met this amazing guy...however, he is not looking for anything more than friendship. That seems to be how my life is - all the amazing guys are either taken or not looking. We have similar stories, parallel lives, among other things...I thought we had moved past an awkward situation, but I am not so sure. Perhaps if there was another chance to test the waters...
I think it may be much easier to be so honest and truthful behind a monitor screen versus in person. In person, it is much easier to read their faces, which will decide whether I should continue to proceed. In person, there are expectations, hoops, and whatnot to jump through. Behind a screen, you are essentially talking to a computer, granted, there is someone on the receiving end...I don't know, I'm just trying to reason with myself and tell myself all the reasons I shouldn't like him...
Then there is the love that was my life. Sometimes he still drives me insane, but sometimes, he is still so sweet and such a good guy and can still be good looking...but he wants to be free and so be it.
I think my greatest fault from these past experiences would be thinking if something does not go the way it should, it was my fault. I could have done more. I could have done better. I could have changed things. If I had done x, y, z, then these things could have happened. I always felt as if I was at fault and I was the sole one responsible for any changes. However, my dearest friends have told me that it is not my fault and if it is, it is as much fault as it was the other party's. When I try to change myself to alleviate these faults, I no longer am myself. I become different...and unintentionally lie to overcompensate. Then, I think the person speaking these lies is who I really am, though that may not be the case at all...But with this new guy, I'm going to change that. I have been straightforward thus far and have admitted that I considered molding myself to fit that, but admitting it to the person that it's happening to is truly a step in the right direction.
Self-improvement is something that should never be over-looked.
September 16, 2007 6:12 PM
A while ago, I had wondered how it was like to love. I had lost all ability to love. I wasn't sure what love felt like. I wasn't sure how I can lose that feeling after being in love in my relationship. But I think after what feels like an eternity, I am beginning to start feeling something that can be called love.
Any part of love requires the ability to give a part of yourself to someone. To be able to let down a wall and let a warm loving arm scoop you up in what feels like a bed of soft flower petals. To be able to give yourself emotionally and wholly to the moment, to the feeling, to the person. Just to be able to lay in their arms and feel their warmth and their protection. And best of all, to actually feel relaxed.
January 2, 2007 8:21 PM
October 10, 2006 5:15 PM
Aside from that, I am happily in the process of finding myself. A friend that I have not seen for three years said that I seemed to be more personable. And that made me feel good. All the hard work I put into becoming who I want to be has paid off and hopefully it will continue to pay off in the future.
I am having so much fun this quarter. It has been a stressful and busy, but things are different because I feel so much more outgoing. I have re-established the bond between my closer friends. It has been easier to approach people that I don't really know and have just seen around. Even one of my closer friends have dared me twice to ask for the numbers of some hot, smart guys in my classes. Life is so much better, fun, and endearing. Course, first, I should catch up with all the reading that I'm behind in.
It's been quite a while since I've ducked my head in here. Quite a bit has happened since a year ago. Since I've started working, I've been afraid of the fact that it will become really hard to meet people. I see the same person over and over again each day...It's not like how it was in school, where there were so many people to meet and at any given day, you could meet someone new...not so when you're stuck in an office or your car 12 hours a day.
Sometimes people lose sight of reality. Sometimes people aren't strong enough to fight it. Sometimes people lose. But is it because they let their demons take over? Perhaps. Perhaps they weren't strong enough to fight it. Perhaps they tried, but failed. Perhaps they decided to give up before the fight even began.
Love allows me to hope and look forward to the moment that I can wake up next to them, in their arms, and have him smiling back at me, feeling the same thing.
Winter break has been amazing. I don't have resolutions this year. I never really do. I am so blessed to have friends that want the best for me, even if it's not the outcome they would ideally like to see. The best part to a friendship is openness. I am so blessed to have Daniel in my life. I've never experienced this kind of relationship with him. Maybe it's just the beginning of something new and it might die down, but I don't see that happening soon. He tells me I'm one of the girls that he's able to be this close to. Sure, it makes me feel special, but it looked like he was telling the truth when he was saying that. He was thinking. He makes me so happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this kind of happiness. It's so hard to find someone so willing to let me be so open and it's so comforting. It's been a long time since I've felt happiness coming internally. It makes me wonder what it's like to be in love again. Or just to love. I haven't had those feelings for over an year and I would love to feel it all over again.
Sometimes I think back to guys and wonder if after they get what they want, they leave the girl hanging. Guys say that girls are so hard to understand, that we're 'complicated.' I believe guys are just as complicated, if not more. I mean, what guy in his right mind would tell his girlfriend that in public, he doesn't want to show affection and wants to have her on the same playing field with the rest of his lady friends? Maybe in the end, it would be better for our relationship, but at the moment, I feel like he is deliberately shoving me into another man's open arms.