Chapter Text
----------------------------------------------
Then - Three Years Ago, Some Run Down Hotel in Iowa
Sam stared down at the small square of snow white material. The words 'can't take this, sorry and leaving' stood out like flashing neon signs. He glanced all around the room again, taking in every last detail, before stopping on the bed. The bed. God. A surge of anger and hate on an unreasonable level coursed through him. It faded as fast as it appeared, though. It was useless. He had no more fight in him. What was the point? Really? Things would never change. Sam couldn't make Dean change. He'd have better luck trying not to pick a fight with his dad. And that was saying a whole lot. Stubbornness was pretty much just something you were born with if you were born into the Winchester family. It was embedded in the Winchester DNA. Fuck. Dean was their dad. Down to the last molecule. Dean was his own person, don't get Sam wrong, but Dean could really be a walking, talking version of John when he wanted. Dad's good little soldier.
Sam eyes raked over the bed again. What happened there, some odd hours ago, last night, Sam would have liked to lay blame on his father for. Dad always told them that they had no time to get attached to anything or anyone. He drilled that into them from day one. And Sam understood it to a certain degree, sure. You don't want loved ones hurt, sucked into a world that they clearly didn't need to know about. But it just sucks, you know? Fucks up everything.
Sam had thought that since they were brothers that maybe Dean would slowly change. And don't go getting all judgmental on him. To the world, they were brothers, yeah. But to Sam? Dean was just his...everything. Dean was the one who took care of him, made sure he had food in his belly, even when he didn't get to eat. Dean made sure he had some semblance of a 'home' growing up. When dad was gone, Dean was right there. When Sam had nightmares, Dean was the one who consoled him until he fell back asleep. Dean was his provider. When the kids at the many schools he jumped around at would pick on him, Dean would take care of it. Sam fell back on Dean for anything and everything. Was it healthy being so dependent on someone like that? No, no it wasn't. But it didn't matter. It was Dean. Everything was Dean. That was what mattered. Dean.
But there were some things that just couldn't be overlooked. Coming back to the hotel to find Dean in bed, in 'their' bed, for all intents and purposes, clearly drunk off his ass, fucking some brunette slut with boobs that jiggled wildly, was one thing for starters. He told Dean, through tears and gritted teeth one night, that he absolutely did not want anything brought back to the hotel. If Sam never saw it, it never happened in his mind. He could have lived with that and for a while he did. The whole 'ignorance is bliss' shit. And it really was. But this...This was the last straw. There was no coming back from this. It just rammed everything home for him. It made him want to get away, far, far away, from all of this. The hunting, Dean's random hook-ups, waiting at dad's beck and call, crying himself to sleep because he could smell Dean's catch of the night as soon as Dean stepped through the door. All of it.
The thought that if Sam, being Dean's own brother, his own flesh and blood, couldn't get Dean to change, then Dean never would change dismayed him. And it wasn't so much that Sam was pissed off and hated Dean or that he wanted him to change completely. Because in truth, he kind of was and sort of did. But he just wanted Dean to get it, to understand why it just...hurt so much. Sam didn't think that was asking for a whole lot. He just wanted Dean to make that change on his own.
He tore his gaze away from the bed to stare at his freshly packed duffel bag. Was he really going to go through with it and leave? Leave Dean? He just couldn't stay here, though, if that was how things were going to continue to be. And he couldn't exactly turn off the love he had for his brother and go back in time to a place where lines never got blurred or anything and start over. He tried that a couple times. No such luck. So leaving and getting away from all the supernatural and leaving Dean to fuck his life away seemed best.
He grabbed his bag and headed for the door. But he did the worse thing possible and hesitated, stopping just short of closing his hand around the door knob. He looked down at his duffel bag and it hit him. Could he seriously be without Dean? He talked so much about everything being Dean and now he was ready to just cut Dean out of his life. Could he really go through with it? Of course he could. He was a Winchester. And if a job needed to be done, it got done. No matter what. See? That was what a life of hunting supernatural beings and living under John Winchester's rules got you. Sam was ready to open the door, had his fingers closed around it when he felt it turn from the other side. Dean? He wasn't supposed to be home yet. Sam stepped back just in time to miss getting hit with the door.
"Whoa, Sam. The hell you doing just standing behind the door? That excited for me to get back?"
Sam didn't know what to say. Dean apparently did.
"Where ya going, Sammy?"
He was calm. Like he knew exactly what was going on. It couldn't have been that hard to figure out, though. And Dean was not a stupid person.
"I. Dean, you weren't supposed..."
"To what? Be home so soon? Excuse me for not knowing you'd be in the middle of trying to run away."
There were tears already pooling in Sam's eyes. He couldn't do this.
"Dean. I just. I need to." Sam shook his head. "You don't get it. You..."
Sam looked up and his breath caught in his throat. Dean's face. That look. The one where Sam can clearly see anger, pain, disappointment, hurt. Hurt. Hard lines were etched on his face.
"I what, Sam? Enlighten me, yeah?"
He didn't want this. Didn't want to deal with this part of leaving. Call it cowardly but he just couldn't stand to see that look on his brother's face. The one he was staring at right now. See? Hesitation. He shouldn't have hesitated. Strong, Sam needed to be strong.
"Dean, I need to get out." There. He said it, straight and to his point.
"You need to leave that damn bad?"
Did he? From fighting with his dad all the time to being tired of hunting ghosts and demons and everything else in between to the last couple years of watching Dean give bits and pieces of himself to everyone but Sam? Yes, he does. What if he just wanted normal? Was that so much to ask for?
"Yeah, Dean, I do."
Sam grabbed his bag and turned back towards the door.
"Sam, don't. Please, just... Was it because of what happened last night? Is that really why you're leaving?"
Sam stopped but didn't turn around.
"You can't just abandon this life, Sam. It's who we are, what we do. We save people."
Dean didn't get it. He never did and never will. It wasn't so much about this life. Okay. It factored in, yes, but Sam needed to get away from Dean just a bit more. He loved Dean, so much, but they both probably knew it would have happened sooner or later. They would have blown up at each other. Sam needed time to just...breathe. Sam wrapped his fist back around the knob and flung the door open. Hands were on him in an instant.
"Sam, stop!" And Sam did. That was the voice Dean used when he gave commands. You don't ignore that voice. "You can't just leave! What about dad?"
Suddenly that bout of anger he fely earlier flared through him. He spun around. "Dad? I don't give a damn about dad right now, Dean! All he and I ever do is fight, anyway!"
Without any warning, Sam stared deep into green eyes that were hardened. It was kind of like staring at one of those green glass bottles.
"What about me! Are you just gonna leave me here?" That one cut Sam pretty deep. "Sam, I need you here with me. I can't do this alone, man!" That one cut just as, or even more, deep.
The fight was gone in Sam in an instant, but his will was not. "I'm going, Dean. There's. Just...There's been lines crossed between us that we can't just uncross. We couldn't ever just be brothers again." He didn't even give Dean time to respond, just took off.
Headed out in the direction he knew to there was a bus stop, he let tears fall that threatened to when Dean decided to use the 'I need you' card. He had no idea where he was going to go when he reached the bus stop. He didn't think that much through. He could go to Texas. He loved it down there despite only having been there for a couple weeks and in the middle of summer and being twelve, waiting for their dad to finish a hunt. He could go to...No. Definitely not New York. He was trying to get away from craziness, not go head first into it again. California? It was definitely an option. And probably the best one. He'd try and pick a place that he wouldn't be found in. But that was useless. He'd be found regardless if anyone wanted to find him.
It was dark when he finally got to the bus stop. He'd made up his mind that California would be his final destination. No hesitation. He was going there and not thinking twice about it.
Now - Palo Alto, CA
"Sam! We're less than two months from graduating. Can you believe it?"
Sam extended his arms in time for Danni to jump into them. She squealed once more and Sam released her.
"I really can't believe it. Been a long three years."
"Heard that."
Heard that. Sam smiled to himself. Danneel was awesome. She was the first person he made friends with when he got here three years ago. She 'took him under her wings' and everything. He was so grateful. He didn't know what it was about her, but he opened up right then and there and told her everything. He left some details out, of course. The ones about how he used to hunt demons for a living and how the guy he cried his eyes out about to her was really his brother. You know, those details. But he did tell her everything else he could. She listened. And she cried with him. Then they had pity sex. And that was okay with Sam. He really just needed some sort of release. At first he was scared, because he got pretty rough with her, but after it was over she slapped him on the chest and said, 'Good game, champ.' They laughed about the whole thing afterwards and have been attached at the hip since. Besides, Danni was going places. The girl was smart as all hell and quick on her feet. There was no way Sam would ever tie down a girl like that with the baggage he had to carry around.
"I'm just worried about final exams. I actually get to work on a case as one of my exams. I'm scared shitless."
Danni hit Sam playfully on his arm. "Shut up. You'll be fine. Obviously. You're in the top three percent of your class. Or you wouldn't have been picked."
Sam smiled. "Heard that."
Danni laughed. "I'm ready to go get lunch. What do you say? Your turn?"
"Oh but of course," Sam said as he rolled his eyes.
Sam walked Danni to her apartment after lunch. She kissed his cheek and he took off down the sidewalk. He thought about Danni. Thought about her red hair. The way it hit the sun just right and if the wind blowed, it looked like strands of fire billowing against the blue sky. He thought about how her body looked. Her soft, sinuous structure. But she was still tough. She could definitely hold her own if she needed to. Sam found that out the first time he met her. He thought about her smile. The smile that would light up any room. He could have loved her, if he had wanted to, she was perfect.
But he really couldn't. Everything he did, he still did it for Dean. Dean was still there. Sam could feel him everywhere. He'd caved in that first year he left and had texted Dean just to see how he was doing. Sam figured it was harmless enough. But then Dean never texted or called or anything, just ignored the text, and things went off from there. It kept bugging him, still did, that Dean just ignored him like that. He supposed he had it coming, though.
Sam stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk. He was doing exactly what he didn't want to. He was thinking about Dean. Again. He swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. He had good things going on in his life right now. He was in his last year at Stanford. He was graduating at the top of his class. He had an internship set up already. He had Danneel. And Chad and Ian, too. He had a few people in his life that he'd stayed around for more than two whole seconds. He had it all pretty good. Except...
Except he really kind of did miss his big brother. He missed the way Dean would have just one certain smile for him and only him. He missed the way Dean felt inside him. That left a hole that ached every single damn day. Figuratively speaking, of course. He missed being intimate with Dean, with anyone. He hadn't really had any luck in that department since he got here. Besides Danni. But that didn't count. And there were people that looked, that came up to him. But he didn't do one night stands and he didn't want a relationship, so...he fucked himself on that one. Or Dean did. Whatever. But he threw himself into studying for law school, so it balanced out in the end for Sam. Work came before play time and he was so damn close to actually being done with school. His first real accomplishment. Too bad Dean...
There he went again. Sam shook his head, clearing thoughts of Dean away, and finished walking the few blocks to the gym.
The gym. His home away from home. Apparently you could take the kid out of Winchester, but you couldn't take the Winchester out of the kid. He kept up on his fighting. One never knew. Plus, working out had just become an outlet for him. And it worked. It helped keep his head on straight most of the days. If there was a moment where everything was beginning to be too much, he went to the gym and it helped the moment pass just a little bit smoother.
Now, three years of going to the gym? It definitely showed. Sam no longer looked like the scrawny, disproportionate kid he used to. Where there used to be just lean meat, there was now well defined muscle. When he flexed, muscles strained and bulged. He was proud of his body. He could probably take Dean in a fight now he was that proud.
Dean. Sam closed his eyes and let thoughts of Dean filter through and into his workout. By the end, the only thing on his mind was his exams and finally being done with Stanford.