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Sinful Desire
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Published:
2012-04-11
Completed:
2012-05-24
Words:
11,219
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4/4
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33
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889

Asking For Help...

Summary:

Jensen is sick. Sort of. But then somebody moves in next door and everything is okay.

Notes:

Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at Sinful-Desire.org. To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on Sinful Desire collection profile.

Author's notes: Really ugly uses of the word fag. I dunno where this stuff comes from. Schizophrenia talk.

Chapter 1: If I'm Asking For Help It's Only Because Being With You Has Opened My Eyes

Chapter Text

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Jensen doesn't get it. He doesn't get why people look at him differently.

 

See, Jensen is sick. Not sick in that way where you take some disgusting cherry-flavored medicine and the infection goes away. He's sick in the way that he has to see a doctor on a regular basis and if he doesn't take his medicine...he starts seeing all those things that 'aren't really there' again. But Jensen begs to differ because he almost swears they were real.

 

It's been awhile since Jensen's seen those things, but the voices are still there. He has those under control; he refuses to let them win completely. His mama says it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody is messed up in their own ways, some just can't help it when it comes to hiding it.

 

But the voices. Those voices. God. They tell Jensen that he is different, that he is fucked up. That everyone hates him, he will never amount to anything. Jensen tries to ignore them, he honestly, really does, and for the most part he succeeds, but then those dumb cheerleaders and stupid jocks sneer at him and shove him out of the way when he 'invades their space in the hallway.' But, apparently, they don't realize that these halls weren't made just for them.

 

He doesn't see why he should have to be here, anyway.

 

But mama thinks that because Jensen's on these really nifty pills and hasn't had any episodes in a few years, that he needs to be out, be social. He actually really hates being around all those people. Doctors say it's also a symptom of his disease.

 

Plus, he only has one whole year left.

 

Jensen sits at home in his favorite chair. It's his home away from home. Or his home inside his home? He loves this chair. His mama would read to him when he was younger in this chair.

 

Mama and his dad are practically breathing down his neck when he's in the house, and they wanna tell Jensen that it's okay to be different, but he actually doesn't mind. They keep the voices at bay. He really loves his parents.

 

A knock at the door startles Jensen and he glances over his shoulder to see his mom scurry off to answer it. "Oh! Hello, yes, come in! It's so nice to meet the new neighbors. Jensen, will you come in here?" And, really, Jensen doesn't want to. But mama insists, so Jensen gets up.

 

There's a family of four standing in the doorway and Jensen stops just short of the hallway. One of them is really freaking...tall. And beautiful. Beautiful? Well, isn't your queerness just showing today.

 

He's never been attracted to...anything. Everybody he knows pretty much hates him. He's not even attracted to this person, or Jensen doesn't know, but he's got a different...light to him.

 

Jensen likes it immediately.

 

Jensen comes to learn that the person's name is Jared. He learns this when they go outside and sit on the patio furniture.

 

"So, you're mom said you're a giant ball of craziness?" Jensen whips his head up to see Jared sitting there with a grin on his face. He relaxes. "Sorry, dude, too easy. But seriously. I heard your mom say something to mine on the way out here. It true?"

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulder. "Guess so."

 

Jared nods. "Cool."

 

Jensen grimaces. "It's cool that I'm crazy?"

 

Jared just nods his head again. He and Jared sit outside and talk. They talk about everything. Jensen tells Jared about how ever since he was little that something always just felt...weird, like he knew he wasn't gonna be normal. He also told him about the last episode he had, before school started freshman year. How the weird things and cruel voices almost led him to down a few bottles of prescription pills. And how word got around so now Jensen's a freak to everybody.

 

They keep talking until their parents come looking for the both of them.

 

After the Padalecki's leave, his mama sits down and Jensen gives her a smile. "I like Jared, mama."

 

Donna Ackles just smiles.

 

The next few days at school are awesome. Jared almost gets suspended because some kid came up to them and said, "Well, well. New queer on the block and the retarded kid. How cute." Jensen is really thankful for the medicine he is on after that incident.

 

Over the next couple weeks, Jared starts coming over to Jensen's after school. Donna and Alan smile softly and Jensen feels like he's on cloud nine.

 

It's one day after school on Friday that Jared finally asks. Jensen never thought he would.

 

"Hey, man. What's it like being a skitzo?" Skitzo? Jared must see the confused look on Jensen's face because he adds, "Having schizophrenia, I mean."

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulders. "I got lucky. I guess mine isn't as bad as it could be."

 

"It's gotta suck, though, right?"

 

"It did at first. But it's part of who I am. You know?"

 

"Yeah. Kind of like being gay?"

 

Jensen smiles. He loves when Jared tries to be funny. He's also pretty sure that Jared just came out to him in the most informal way possible. "I guess. But it's still way, way different."

 

"No doubt." There's silence for a couple minutes. "Are you like, seriously crazy?"

 

Jensen purses his lips. He hated when people went there. "No! It's under control. But everyone just treats me like I'm stupid and crazy. Like I'll pop off at any minute. Or...or, I don't know." Jensen is standing up with his hands on his hips at this point.

 

Jared throws his hands up in surrender. "Dude, calm the hell down. I was just asking."

 

Way to go, Jensen. You're scaring your perfect fag match away. Jensen shakes his head. "Sorry. I just...sore subject?"

 

"I completely understand, dude."

 

Jensen sits back down and sighs. "And no, I'm really not crazy. Things get...weird when I don't take my medicine. But I'm very good about taking it."

 

"Why'd you try committing suicide?"

 

"They told me to."

 

"They told you to...huh? Well, alright then." He pauses. "Are they ever around anymore?"

 

Jensen shakes his head. "The voices are sometimes." And then he gets quiet. This is the most he's talked to anyone about this. Except his doctor. He's fully expecting Jared to go running for the hills but he just sits there.

 

"And you really have this all under control?"

 

Jensen nods. "Yeah. I take my medicine, talk to my doctor. Haven't had an episode since, you know." He looks up at Jared, who just nods his head.

 

"You're an awesome person, Jensen. I hear the things all the kids at school are saying. What a bunch of assholes."

 

Jensen really likes Jared. Like...he really, really, really does.

 

It's the next day when Jared shows up on the Ackles' doorstep with a bag full of gummi bears and a couple of kit-kat bars.

 

"Let's go out."

 

Jensen gives him a funny look. "Out?"

 

Jared nods and grins. "Out, yes. Good job, Jensen."

 

Jensen throws him the dirtiest look he can muster. "Why would you want to go out in public with me? I'm crazy, remember?"

 

"I sit with you in school and crap, don't I?"

 

"I guess." Jensen's mind flickers to the fact that Jared's gay and the fact that Jensen wants to run his tongue over those soft lips of his and he gets butterflies in his stomach.

 

"So. Are we going out or what?"

 

"What's with the candy?"

 

Jared grins. "Payment if you go out with me. You never go out." Jared dangles a kit-kat bar in front of him, makes a puppy dog face and Jensen hates him for a millisecond.

 

"You don't play fair," he grumbles as he walks down the few steps of his porch. He grabs the kit-kat and he and Jared take off down the sidewalk.

 

They walk for almost 15 minutes before stopping.

 

"How did you know?" Jensen turns to Jared, awe coloring his tone.

 

"Know what?"

 

"Thought I was the dumb one here?"

 

It's meant to be a joke but Jared turns around and glares at Jensen. "You're not dumb. And I asked your mom."

 

"When?"

 

Jared shrugs his shoulders and opens the door. "When I left your house yesterday."

 

Jensen stares up at the sign of his favorite diner and finally walks through the door. They get seated and something dawns on Jensen. "I didn't bring any money or anything." Jared just looks up from the menu, but doesn't say anything. "What is this, Jared?"

 

Jared sets the menu down and looks up at Jensen again, biting his bottom lip. "Look. We've...I don't know. We've only known each other about three weeks now. And I'm at your house everyday after school. And can I just say that I could be doing other things if I wanted? But I like hanging out with you. And...."

 

Jensen feels the color drain from his face. Is this a date? Okay. He's pretty sure he's gay. He's pretty sure he has been since forever now. The voices tell him. Plus, he really, really, really does wanna taste those freaking lips.

 

He...thinks about Jared. All the time. It can't be normal. But he wasn't about to divulge that information with the one person whose lips he wanted to taste. Jared also hasn't run away from him yet. He's not losing him now. But he's the school abomination. And Jared's on the soccer team and stuff. Soon to be football. And just...

 

"Jensen?" Jensen was doing that rambling thing in his head. He snaps out of it and focuses on the person sitting across from him. "Have you heard a word I said?"

 

And no, he really hasn't. "Sorry," he says after a second.

 

Jared stands up and looks down at him. "Sorry for not listening to me or sorry that you just realized this was a date?"

 

He walks out the door and Jensen sees an old figure he used to see all the time way back then.

 

It's a black, glossy smoke on the wall and it just starts...grinning at Jensen. He needs to leave now.

 

He finds Jared walking down the sidewalk that leads back to his street when he all but runs out the door. He follows behind him for a short while until he can't take it anymore and rushes after him.

 

Jared must hear him because he stops right on the sidewalk right before Jensen can reach him.

 

"Jared...I. I'm sorry."

 

Jared spins on his heels and there's something close to sadness on his face. "No, I'm sorry. That was really second grade of me to just storm out." Jensen kind of agrees but stays quiet. "I just really like you Jensen. And just...I don't know, man. I thought maybe you were gay. I had a feeling. But I didn't even ask and you've never said anything. And I know you think that there's no way someone could like you, but you...and just..."

 

Jensen stops him. "I am gay. And there really isn't a way someone could like me. I'm just that school skitzo."

 

Jared sighs. "You're so wrong, man. It's just nobody wants to take the time to get to know that part of you."

 

Jensen stares down at an ant crossing the sidewalk. The voice tells him to crush it. He does. His face falls when he thinks about how it could have had an ant family or something. Jensen regrets stepping on it.

 

He gives a silent sorry to the ant and glances up at Jared. "But you're taking the time to get to know that part of me."

 

Jared grins. "I am."

 

And Jensen thinks that things are gonna be okay from here on out.