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As I look over at you cleaning your gun, I see the love in your every movement. It's like the way you touch me. Tomorrow I'm going to Stanford. A part of me screams no, this isn't right. But another part says it's my only option. I need to find a way for me and Dean to be together without the the hunt and this is it. Dad said not to bother coming back but I have to. Dean is everything to me. I pray to God that he will give me strength to walk out that door. I don't know if I can do it by myself. My legs grow weak and I feel like falling on the floor to weep. He looks over at me, worry written there. He comes aver, grasping me in his arms, as gentle as he did with that gun. He asks me if I'm okay and I want to laugh. Of course I'm not okay I want to yell. But I don't. Instead I look into his eyes and tell him I need him. His every caress, his arms holding me in the darkness. He keeps all the nightmares at bay of what's to come. I tell him that he's all I want he relieves all the bad in this life and he calms me.
As we lay on the bed I ask him if he will pray every night that we'll be back to gether someday. He says he will and that he knows it will come true, but I can hear the uncertainty in his voice. I know he thinks I'll get there and forget all about him. He should know me better than that. But as I think that I hear Dad telling him that the only thing he's good for is hunting and that nobody would want him. He may not tell Dean that exactly but it's written between the lines and he believes it. That's a big factor in why I have to go. So Dean and I can leave Dad behind and never have to deal with him again. We laid there all night, making love over and over again. At last we are spent and I go to embrace him, wanting that closeness to fall asleep to. I feel the tears running down his face and although he'll never tell me, I know he loves me. And I feel the same. I whisper to him that I love him. I can feel the pain we are both going through and it kills me. I don't know how I will make it those years without him. It's already driving me insane to even think about it. Without his touch, I'll be lonely. But I'll take his caresses for this night.
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It's morning now. We just woke up and I must pack my bags and say goodbye. Everything is silent now. All that needed to be said was last night and now there's nothing more to do. We go to get in the car to go to the bus station and I feel him trembling next to me. I tell him that it won't be forever and that we'll visit each other. But inside I'm just as much a mess. I hold him close and tell him that I will always love him and nothing will change that. He smiles at me as he tries to hide the grief, to never let me see his sensitive side. But he can't fool me. I know it's there. As we drive off, I remember last night. Each and every touch is seered in my brain. That is what will sustain me through these years, keep me warm at night. And that thought gives me hope.