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Jared……
Red hot pain surging through his body wakes him.
Gritting his teeth, Jared forced his eyes open slightly not wanting to leave the warm, happy and pain free place of his dreams. He blinked a couple of times - his eyelids hurt and Jared is really tempted to close his eyes again in search of the pain-free peace he can only find in drug-induced sleep. But the here and now is annoyingly persistent beckoning him to the waking world. Jared groaned as he prised his eyes fully open glancing around.
As usual his vision is blurry, his glasses lost somewhere on the bedside table; his is mind muddled and it takes Jared a moment to remember where he is. Realisation seems unusually cruel today – he was hoping to be somewhere else but it seems just out of his reach, something he can’t quite touch. He’s in his own bed, in his own room – alone - with only his pain for company. Jared blows out a long drawn out breath which makes him cough, loud, harsh and hacking choking sounds which steals his breath away for a moment.
Once he’s got himself under control, Jared rolled his head carefully towards the French doorway which has been opened allowing a balmy breeze to drift into the room cooling his fevered skin. The sunlight is bright, glinting and bouncing of the glass and the decking area is bathed in a soft warm glow. The voile curtains flutter gently adding to the almost ethereal atmosphere and Jared tilts his head slightly so he can hear the roar of the ocean as it crashes to the shore. Jared can’t help a small smile as he allows his memories to wash over him - memories of racing up and down the beach, jumping and chasing the waves, youth and energy on his side, and hand in hand with Jensen. Memories of rolling in the surf, of getting sand in his hair and everywhere else possible, memories of hot kisses and warm touches, but most of all Jared remembers the love that surrounded and protected him. Love that made him feel wanted, cherished and even mellow. The warm all encompassing gentle love Jared has missed like crazy for eighteen months. The emptiness has been gnawing at him stealing away his life force and his enthusiasm for existing in a world without Jensen. There’s nothing left; Jared gave his heart willingly and completely, and only Jensen owned it but now it’s withered and dying, a large gaping hole.
Jared shifted slightly cursing as pain radiates up and down every nerve ending, his diseased joints and body loudly protesting the movement screaming at him not to move. The word still, like quiet, had never been in Jared’s vocabulary but now still and quiet have become his mantra. Jared clenched his jaw, holding his breath and laying as still as possible resisting the strong temptation to arch his back or writhe in an effort to magic away the excruciating pain. The agony fades slowly; Jared wants to scream but he doesn’t. Doesn’t want to be a bother to the nurse he knows is somewhere in the house watching over him silently. She‘s waiting just like Jared.
He’s been waiting for eighteen months. Eighteen long and lonely months. Jared’s counted every second, minute and hour that he has been without the one constant of his life. Reminiscences of Jensen remain vivid in his otherwise muddled brain; Jensen is gone but never forgotten, his memory living on in Jared’s heart and soul.
But Jared’s tired. Tired of not feeling the warmth of Jensen’s body pressed against his own. Even in old age, they had snuggled under the comforter, skin touching skin, as though afraid the other might disappear during the darkness of night. Jared sighed again letting his mind journey back through the years, back to the time when they first met over fifty years ago.
They had met on campus. Jensen was the quiet and shy librarian who loved his books and the tranquillity that surrounded him in his library. Jared was the noisy and energetic assistant coach who loved everything sport and rowdy. Jared was the life and soul of every party making friends here, there and everywhere, his smile, laughter and constant chatter infectious. Jensen never attended parties, preferring solitude, never comfortable in crowds. He had a few friends but chose to keep himself to himself. But his smile, the way his beautiful green eyes sparkled and his gentle laughter were just as infectious and Jared was instantly and forever addicted.
Jensen was calm to Jared’s chaos. Opposites in every way their worlds had collided on a fateful summer day outside the administration building of the university. It was love at first sight for them both even though their meeting and coming together should have been a disaster waiting to happen, even a train wreck, instead destiny had other plans for them finding them a middle ground where friendship and eventually love could flourish and grow despite their differences.
And over the years, they discovered their innate differences didn’t matter and instead of driving them apart, it brought them closer somehow making them stronger and more resilient to the outside influences that, at times, cruelly threatened their love. Their life together had been rich and wonderful full of laughter and love peppered with many angry moments and uncomfortable and moody silences but love always squashed their bad moods bringing them together with warm touches and soft kisses full of apology and regret for the harsh words they had thrown at each other.
Jared smiled as the memories bombard his tired mind soothing him towards sleep again. His body had finally betrayed him completely a month ago and in a way Jared welcomed the inevitable decay like a long lost friend. The arthritis had plagued him since his late fifties and now his once athletic body was crumbling and shrinking, his limbs gnarled and twisted as the arthritis took hold, its cruel tendrils of pain and disease stroking and creeping through his body, constricting and destroying all of his joints in its wake. But worse than the arthritis is Jared’s loneliness, the pain and desolation intensifying as the gap in his life gets bigger and bigger – an enormous chasm that Jared no longer wishes to jump across or bear any longer. Jared is drifting aimlessly letting his aging body take control, letting his life slowly ebb away like the tide he and Jensen used to watch, hand clasping hand, in the glow of the moonlight.
Through the cloudiness and confusion of his mind, Jared knows they want him to move to a nursing home but he stubbornly refuses. This is their home, the one they built together loving it at first sight, struggling to pay the mortgage but determined because it was their haven, their small part of heaven where they locked themselves away from the world and just enjoyed each other. And also like a small child afraid that Santa won’t find him if he moves, Jared is terrified Jensen won’t find him. Jared knows it’s an irrational fear knowing, deep down, that Jensen has never really left him may be even walked at his side for the last eighteen months. Jared has even convinced himself that soft featherlike touches on his fevered brow are Jensen’s fingers soothing him towards sleep and dreams of their life together.
Jared’s tired, exhaustion flowing through his bones as he squints into the sunlight. Jensen was his whole life and without him, he feels empty, like a part of him is missing. Jared wants to call out, call out for Jensen but he gave up using his voice a week ago.
Instead Jared rolls his head towards the door again, his head full of Jensen and his beauty and calm. Jared blinks again; his old eyes are playing tricks on him now. Jensen is standing in the doorway dressed in his favourite jeans and t-shirt, hands shoved in his pockets. Bathed in the sunlight, he’s young again, looking just like the day they met and Jared can feel a tear trickling down his face. Jared closed his eyes against the sight of his lover; the agony of his mind mocking him is just too much. The tears fall unchecked down his face – he feels so old and worn out and now he’s gone mad too but Jared still imagines he can feel the ghosting of Jensen’s lips across his own and he smiles.
Jensen……………
Today is the day.
Jensen opened his eyes and smiled. He tilted his head upwards squinting in the sunlight enjoying the cooling sea breeze as it whipped at his skin and hair. Closing his eyes briefly, he listened to the sound of the ocean crashing towards the beach and can almost picture the white frothy waves as they roll towards the end of their journey snatching at the sand, rocks and shells in the shallow breakers. The sounds and sights, even the smells, were achingly familiar and Jensen could almost taste the salt in the air. He was home again.
Jensen smiled again. Time had passed so slowly for him and Jensen felt like he’d waited for so long for this moment. Even though he had carried Jared’s memory with him Jensen had struggled with the pure torture of being apart from the love of his life, the promise that his wait would be short the only thing that kept him going travelling towards this moment. Jensen had worked hard, done a good job and his reward was today. Jensen chuckled – who knew that reapers didn’t actually wear black cloaks, have ugly skeleton-like faces and carry dangerous looking scythes. Instead Jensen inhabited his younger self and had done so since his death. Apparently Jensen had unconsciously made the choice, twenty-eight, the age he had been when Jared and he had met for the first time. He couldn’t help the small shiver at the thought of his death but forced the memory away for a moment determined nothing was going to ruin today. Today Jensen was undertaking his last job as a reaper – he was here to collect Jared.
Jensen turned away from the ocean towards the bedroom, their bedroom. It had always been their favourite room but not for the obvious reasons of sex and shared intimate moments, that was a given. The beauty was that the room led out onto a wooden decking that looked out towards the beach and the ocean. They had sat on the decking on many an evening through the years hand in hand watching the sun go down and listening to the sounds of the ocean. Jensen glanced around the room, not surprised that nothing had changed. It was exactly the same as it had always been from the pale coloured walls to the light wood floors to the shelves containing ornaments and bric-a-brac they had collected over the years to the furniture they had chosen together and their king-sized bed dominating the centre of the room. Photographs charting their life together still adorned one complete wall and for a moment Jensen lost himself in each of the memories they had made together captured on film forever. Jensen was secretly glad nothing had altered making him feel warm deep inside and it was as though he had never left.
Jensen shuddered as his thoughts travelled back to the day eighteen months previously. He had died in Jared’s arms in this room, his battle with a brain tumour finally over after a six month fight. Jensen had desperately wanted to live for Jared, hadn’t wanted to leave him alone but his body had betrayed him welcoming the ruthless disease allowing it to use his body as a playground ravaging and destroying everything in its path. After months of treatment, they had finally admitted defeat and Jared had brought Jensen home. The tumour had stolen his sight and was slowly robbing him of his mind, his memories. Jared stayed at his side holding his hand, reminding him of their time together and reading his favourite books for hours on end, both clinging to a forlorn hope desperately trying to put off the inevitable.
He tried so hard to stay but the battle was already lost, age and illness conspiring against him. Jensen vaguely remembered relaxing into Jared’s arms as he read. Remembered the feeling of Jared’s tears on his skin as the book crashed to the floor. He could feel Jared holding him tighter begging him not to leave but his body wasn’t co-operating and he descended deeper and deeper into peace feeling no pain, only relief, as he slipped away towards the light and his long dead favourite aunt beckoning to him. Jensen recalled his own tears as he was forced to leave Jared behind all alone.
Ghosts, and especially nearly ex-reapers, didn’t cry but Jensen felt the tears on his cheeks at the memory. He wiped at the wetness as he gazed over at Jared. The love of his life. His whole world for over fifty years.
Jensen frowned. Jared looked tired and fragile; pain marred his features, his age and illness clearly evident on his once energetic body. Jared had always been boisterous, full of life and restless motion and usually talking a mile a minute without taking a breath. But now he was quiet and still; it wasn’t right and Jensen could sense Jared’s sorrow, and the loneliness that surrounded him vibrated off the walls making Jensen’s heart ache for the man Jared had been - the lively young man who had crashed into him knocking him to the ground all those years ago.
Their meeting had changed Jensen’s life forever; given him an unconditional love he thought he would never have. Jared stamped all over his self-imposed loneliness and gave him a roller coaster life rich with fun and laughter. A breath of fresh air, even a human tornado, sweeping into his dusty world of books and not once had Jensen ever regretted their meeting or his sore ass from falling to the ground. It sounded stupid and romantic to Jensen’s ears but they had grown old together, spent years together filled with love and happiness and the occasional loud shouting match; it had been a good life but death intervened separating them for a while. But today Jared could be young again and they could be together, forever.
Jensen smiled as he took a tentative step towards Jared. Jensen guessed that Jared had seen him and he smiled again as Jared closed his eyes knowing the younger man was probably trying to convince himself he was going mad. Jensen chuckled lightly as he leaned forwards brushing his lips over Jared’s. Jared sighed and Jensen moved his lips close to Jared’s ear. “It’s time,” Jensen whispered. He pulled back watching Jared’s boyish smile curl on his dry lips. Jensen waited.
Jared felt peculiar and he squeezed his eyes closed even tighter against the prickly sensation that seemed to be sweeping through his body, somewhere between pain and pleasure. The sound of blood rushing through his veins pounded his ear drums and his heart hammered loudly – he felt unusually energetic and bouncy again. Unconsciously Jared flexed his fingers surprised when they uncurled and he felt no pain. He experimented with his toes – again no pain. He blinked his eyes open sitting up without thinking. Looking down, Jared flexed his fingers again. They were no longer distorted and bent inwards by arthritis – instead long, straight and slender. Wide-eyed, he stretched his fingers out turning his hand over examining his palms, and then his wrists and arms stunned to see slightly tanned skin that was smooth with no wrinkles or calluses.
Jared gazed down at his body and frowned confused – he was no longer wearing his pyjamas but jeans and a t-shirt he had long ago forgotten. But most startlingly he seemed to be in his late twenties again. Youth and energy seemed to vibrate through his body trampling old age, disease and the agonising pain in its wake. His vision was no longer blurry and his long legs stretched out in front of him, bouncing slightly, a habit of his youth. Jared wiggled his toes again and flexed his ankles before reaching up with one hand – his hair was long once more falling over his forehead and getting in his eyes as it had always done in his youth. He pushed the untamed hair back in a long forgotten instinctive action. Still not quite believing what he was seeing, Jared poked his fingers up and down his thighs. He poked absently at his belly and chest and pinched his cheeks and stuck his tongue out. Yeah no mistaking and finally convinced - definitely young again. Jared smiled. He was free of his old body, free of pain, disease and old age.
He swung his legs off the bed testing his feet on the floor. No pain and Jared knew he would be able to stand, something he hadn’t done for over three weeks unaided. Realisation hit him suddenly and Jared jerked his head up, his mind full of Jensen. He smiled – Jensen was standing in the doorway again this time holding his hand out towards him. Jared leapt off the bed and hurried towards Jensen. “Is it really you?” he asked putting his hands on Jensen’s face smoothing fingers up and down the pale skin revelling in the touch he had missed so much. “Please tell me I’m not dreaming.”
“You’re not dreaming,” Jensen whispered. “I promise.”
“You came,” Jared said as he pulled Jensen into his arms. This is what he had dreamed about for eighteen long months. Holding the solid warm body of his lover in his arms once more.
“I promised I would,” Jensen said softly.
Jared nodded, his eyes shining with unshed tears. He still couldn’t quite believe he had Jensen in his arms again. He had to know, had to prove to himself he wasn’t dreaming. Jared leaned down claiming Jensen’s lips in a gentle kiss. The instantly recognisable taste of Jensen burst across his lips, into his mouth; Jensen’s hands on his bare arms, his gentle touch, all combining to convince Jared he wasn’t dreaming. Feelings he had never forgotten surged through his body, all achingly familiar making Jared moan softly. This was the man Jared had loved from the moment he had knocked Jensen over to the moment they were parted by his death. “You told me that I would see you again,” Jared breathed as he reluctantly drew back. “On that last night. “
Jensen smiled, his own eyes shining with tears. He ran the tip of his tongue over his lips tasting Jared, something he thought he would never have again. The tingling touch and taste of love, want and need. “I never really left.”
“You were always with me,” Jared said. “Walking at my side. Touching me. I just thought my crappy old mind was playing tricks on me.”
Jensen chuckled. “I came when I could. I wanted you to know I was with you….. where I belonged.”
“Cool,” Jared breathed with a small laugh as he drew Jensen against his body. Jared leaned down again capturing Jensen’s lips in another kiss circling his arms around Jensen’s waist. Eighteen months apart made them hungry for each other’s kisses and the caressing touches they had missed and craved; they clutched at each other desperately drowning and enjoying the familiar sensations of belonging and love. They claimed the other’s lips once more as they lost themselves in the moment, re-connecting and rediscovering the love that had always remained strong and true.
Breathless they reluctantly pulled apart staring across at each other. Jared went to glance back towards the bed, at his old self suddenly curious. He was stopped by Jensen’s hand on his face. “Don’t look back,” Jensen said taking Jared’s hand in his own. “Walk with me always and forever.”
No longer curious, Jared smiled lightly squeezing Jensen’s hand. “You always had the best ideas.”
The voile curtains shifted in the breeze as the two young men stepped towards the light, hand in hand. In the bed they had shared for so many years, “old” Jared sighed and descended into the darkness, a small smile gracing his features.
END