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Jared burst through the ER swing doors. He leaned over, briefly, hands on knees taking deep soothing breaths silently vowing to join a gym at the next opportunity and cursing the burger and fries he had for lunch. Running over six blocks had taken all his breath away not to mention his energy. But Jeff had called. And Jensen was here somewhere. Hurt. The panic that had been swirling in his stomach since Jeff’s call threatened to overwhelm him now he was at the hospital.
“Calm the hell down,” he admonished himself silently. Jared straightened up and glanced around looking for Jeff. The large sterile looking room was filled with the clamour of humanity – people shouting, some moaning, some too quiet – noisy, stuffy, too bright and manically busy. Jared ran a hand through his hair feeling desperation curling in his stomach. Jeff’s message had been garbled and panicked and Jared had dropped everything and run from his office to the hospital – six blocks and more, totally forgetting he had a truck in the Mall parking lot. Jared looked towards the desk and the frazzled looking admitting nurse. He took a deep calming breath and decided to start with the nurse. Jared took a step towards the desk swinging around when he heard his name being called. Jeff waved him over.
Jared jogged up towards Jeff, the panic and anxiety gripping him again. “What happened? Where’s Jensen? Is he OK? Can I see him?” he babbled uncontrollably.
“Hey,” Jeff put a calming hand on Jared’s arm. “Calm down. Let’s sit over here,” he tugged Jared towards some chairs pushing him in to one. “Chill? OK?” Jeff said although he didn’t feel exactly cool and composed himself, the memory of cradling a blood spattered Jensen in his arms was still fresh in his mind. But he knew he needed to be calm for Jared, for Jensen and even for himself.
Jared gave a small nod taking another deep calming breath. “You scared the crap outta me,” he accused lightly.
“I know… I’m sorry but I was kinda freaked out myself,” Jeff said feeling guilty for worrying the younger man.
“What happened?” Jared asked again.
Jeff slumped down in the chair next to him. Scrubbing a hand through his beard. “He fell down the stairs,” he said quietly. “Hit his head on the table at the bottom. Knew I should have damn well moved it weeks ago.” Jeff sighed closing his eyes briefly.
“What? How?” Jared turned to Jeff who blushed faintly. Jared frowned not able to miss the small shudder that seemed to course through the older man’s body.
“A stupid accident,” Jeff half lied, not ready to tell Jared the real reason why Jensen had fallen. He shivered at the memory, still fresh in his mind, of Jensen lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Jeff hadn’t really remembering rushing down the stairs, hadn’t remembering cradling an unconscious Jensen in his arms or remembered calling the paramedics. It had been a complete blur but his words to Jensen moments before the accident echoed loudly in his head. He’d been teasing as usual but now the words seemed cruel and unkind to his ears. The words ricocheted around his brain taunting him, making him feel sick to his stomach. This was all his fault. Jensen would never forgive him. Jeff shook himself out of his daze, feeling Jared’s tentative touch to his arm.
“Jeff,” Jared said softly. “Are you OK?”
Jeff gave Jared a shaky smile. “Yeah man. Fine.”
Jared wasn’t convinced but decided not to call the older man on it. “Jensen?” he asked instead.
“Yeah,” Jeff nodded. “He’s gonna be OK. Looked worse than it was…. blood everywhere from a gash on his forehead… where he hit the edge of the table. Ten stitches took care of it. But got himself a nasty concussion, a mess of bruises all over and two black eyes… and likely the headache from hell. Nothing broken luckily.”
“Thank God,” Jared blew out a relieved breath.
“They’re keeping him in overnight for observation ….. because he was out for so long. Scared the hell outta me when he wouldn’t wake up,” Jeff shivered again.
“But he’s OK now,” Jared patted Jeff’s arm in comfort. “Right?”
“Yeah,” Jeff gave Jared a small reassuring smile. “Lucky he has a hard head.”
Jared chuckled. “Yeah he has one of those alright,” he said.
Jeff sighed. “He damaged his prosthesis when he fell. Nothing that aint repairable and his skin is a bit torn up…. his doctor has been to see him but he won’t be wearing the leg… or any leg… for a few days. Just to warn you. OK? Because it freaks him out when he has to do without. He hates it.”
Jared nodded knowing how Jensen hated the fact part of him was missing. Knew that Jensen felt damaged, broken and ugly, thanks mainly to an ex-boyfriend’s cruelty. When they had met Jensen’s self confidence had been totally shattered with his self-esteem at an alarmingly low point. Jensen had initially kept his distance but Jared had, over the last two months, been slowly breaking down the barriers Jensen had built up against the world in an effort to protect himself from the hurt and humiliation he felt. They had kissed, cuddled and made out but hadn’t progressed towards a sexual relationship and even though Jensen was becoming more self-assured, he had one more hurdle to sprint over, probably the biggest – allowing Jared to see him without his prosthesis. Jared was being unusually patient tempering his innate urge to rush in full on and full steam ahead. He wanted Jensen and had a feeling the desire he felt was reciprocated. But Jensen was still afraid and Jared was happy to be patient knowing, in his heart, he would wait forever for Jensen. Jensen was worth the wait and Jared just hoped the accident hadn’t knocked his confidence too much. Jared pulled away from his thoughts and turned back to Jeff. “Can I see him now?”
“He’s kinda out of it …..they gave him some good drugs for the pain. But the first thing he asked for when he woke up was you,” Jeff gave Jared a small smile. “So we’d better not disappoint the kid.”
Jared leapt to his feet. “Lead the way,” he said impatiently.
“You two being in love all over the place is making me feel so very old,” Jeff pulled himself to his feet. “I hate you both.”
“Yeah and we hate you,” Jared teased tugging on Jeff’s arm to hurry him along. Jared frowned as Jeff shuddered under his touch paling slightly. “You OK?” he asked, concerned.
Jeff shook himself. “Yeah kid, I’m fine.”
“OK,” Jared pursed his lips. “Which way?”
“Jared,” Jeff pulled on the younger man’s arm. He bit at his lip. “Jensen wants to see you… but … well he hasn’t got his leg on. So he might…. you know…. just be…. Well you know all about Jamie, his ex, being a total asshole about it. I still wanna kill the bastard. But Jensen is touchy about the whole leg no leg thing.. well you know that already. But I don’t want him hurt again.”
“I would never hurt Jensen,” Jared snapped. “I understand how he feels. Understands why he won’t let me see him without the leg. But I don’t care. I’ve never cared. It’s Jensen I want,” he said firmly. “And I wanna see him. Now.”
Jeff gave a small nod. “OK. Chill Jared,” he said leading Jared towards a set of double doors. He wondered if Jared would hate him too when he found out the reason for Jensen’s accident. Jeff sighed, hating himself a little more.
Five minutes later…..
Jared looked down on a sleeping Jensen. He looked pale apart from the now blackening circles of bruising around both eyes. A white bandage, with a small stain of blood in the centre, covered the gash to his head and an oxygen mask half covered his face. An IV drip was secured in the back of Jensen’s hand and a machine to the side of the bed beeped continuously as it measured his heart beat, a precaution Jeff had assured Jared.
Jared purposely perched on the right side of Jensen’s bed ignoring the flat smoothness of the blankets where Jensen’s lower left leg should have been. Jared leaned forwards stroking a hand gently over Jensen’s forehead. Jensen’s eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” Jared smiled. “How are you feeling?”
Jensen blinked up at Jared, his green eyes glassy and confused. “Hurts,” he mumbled as he rolled his head to one side.
“Yeah I bet,” Jared stroked his hand down Jensen’s arm. “You scared the crap outta me. And Jeff.”
“Sorry,” Jensen rolled his head back to stare up at Jared. “Trevor’s broken.”
“Yeah I know,” Jared chuckled at Jensen’s use of the name for his prosthesis.
Jensen pushed at the oxygen mask. “Jeff?
“Let’s leave that on,” Jared said firmly placing the mask back over Jensen’s nose and mouth.
“Where’s Jeff?” Jensen persisted, his gaze frantically searching the room. Jared could see the confusion and a hint of panic in Jensen’s expression and he frowned, puzzled.
“Sssshhh,” Jared soothed stroking his hand down Jensen’s face. Jensen unconsciously leaned into the touch and Jared smiled. “Jeff’s gone back to the shop to make sure Aaron and Simon are OK. He’ll be back later to see you.”
“Need to talk to him,” Jensen said.
“Later. OK?” Jared said softly.
“I don’t hate him,” Jensen muttered.
Jared frowned again, confused by Jensen’s words but decided to put it down to the head injury and related concussion. “I know. It’s OK,” he leant forward kissing Jensen lightly.
“Stay?”
Jared nodded. “Not going anywhere. Try and get some sleep. OK?”
Jensen shook his head stubbornly wincing at the pain. “Have to talk to Jeff. You tell him Jared. Tell him,” he grabbed for Jared’s hand squeezing.
“OK. I’ll tell Jeff,” Jared soothed kissing Jensen’s knuckles softly. He was really bewildered now, concerned at Jensen’s obvious distress over Jeff.
Jensen closed his eyes. “Tired,” he mumbled.
“You go to sleep,” Jared whispered, his hand combing through Jensen’s short hair. “I’ll be here when you wake up every time,” he said knowing that Jensen would be woken regularly because of his concussion.
“Promise.”
“I promise,” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand.
“You have to tell him Jared,” Jensen mumbled as he finally succumbed to sleep.
Three days later………
Perched on the edge of his bed, Jensen stared out of the window, lost in his thoughts. Today, tonight in fact, Jensen had decided to take his relationship with Jared to the next step and it terrified him. Everything was ready. Jared was arriving at seven. The apartment had been cleaned from top to bottom. He had set up the covered rooftop garden, setting the table and adding candles for a romantic touch. He had cooked Jared’s favourite snacks. The pasta was ready. Even the salad was ready. The only thing not ready was Jensen himself.
Jensen sat on his bed in boxers and t-shirt shaking with fear. Glancing down, he noticed his hands were shaking and pushed them underneath his ass so he didn’t have to witness the trembling, didn’t have to witness his weakness.
Jensen glanced sideways catching a glimpse of himself in his mirror. His eyes were still circled by black/bluish bruising but the gash on his head was healing and was no longer bright blood red and he had dispensed with the bandaging a day ago and his stitches were due to be removed in a few days time. And for the first time today, his body didn’t ache from the bruising to his back and sides where he had bounced down the stairs.
Jensen turned away from the mirror letting his gaze drop down to his leg. The stump seemed to stare back at him, challengingly. Jensen hated it. Hated how it looked and had never really gotten used to the drawn together look of the skin. It taunted him with thoughts of this is where you lower leg used to be joined to your knee. Thanks to his fall down the stairs, the end of the stump still looked slightly red and his doctor had instructed him not to use the prosthesis for long periods of time, three hours at most, for a week. His prosthesis hadn’t sustained too much damage and now lay on the bed at his side. Jensen poked at it distractedly wishing it felt more alive than it did.
Jensen closed his eyes, his hand gripping the prosthesis, as the memories came flooding back filling his mind with the agony and the utter silence, apart from a blaring horn, as he lay trapped in the back of his parents’ truck. He remembered his shaky voice calling out for his Mom and Dad but they never replied and Jensen squeezed his eyes shut even tighter at the memory of trying to move, trying to pull himself free, wanting to help his parents.
The vivid sensation of his body on fire with excruciating pain as he moved was etched in his memory forever, vaguely recollecting trying to pull his left leg free without success. He remembered the blood, so much blood, and the stark realisation it was coming from his body. Jensen shuddered gripping the prosthesis as the memories flashed through his brain in brilliant technicolour – the fireman called Joe who had stayed talking to him for the whole three hours it took them to cut him free, the doctor who worked on him, the pain of the IV needle being stuck in his hand, even the suffocating feel of the oxygen mask on his face and the grinding noise and flashing of metal and bright sparks as Joe’s colleagues cut through the truck. Despite the haze of morphine, Jensen remembered everything even, he thought, the moment they took his leg. Joe had gripped his hand even tighter and used his body to shield him from the doctor and what he was doing. Jensen remembered a vague weird tingling sensation he couldn’t describe but clearly remembered that one moment he was trapped and the next he was pulled free easily at the command of the doctor, words that would probably haunt Jensen forever – it’s done, get him out of here. Then there had been a blurry glimpse of two blanket covered bodies on the ground, the sting of tears, the agonising pain, then the welcome darkness of unconsciousness before more tears, many more tears. Tears of pain, of frustration and of loss. Eighteen months of struggling to walk on a leg that didn’t belong to him and sudden weird thoughts that his leg was still trapped in the wreck of his parents’ truck.
Jensen opened his eyes and shook himself, dropping the prosthesis. He scrubbed at the tears on his face cursing silently. He sighed angry with himself. He was a coward, even sending Jared away when the doctor had said he could be discharged from the hospital, not able to bear Jared seeing him without his leg. Jared had left with his usual smile but Jensen had seen the flicker of hurt in the other man’s eyes. “You suck,” Jensen said to himself.
Jared had been busy at work, not even able to get away for lunch, finalising the launch of the stores new teddy bear so they hadn’t seen each other since his accident and Jensen missed Jared despite the million and one text messages, hurried phone calls and even one text-photograph of Jared and the new teddy bear. Jensen smiled to himself.
Two days of alone time had given Jensen plenty of time to think. Jensen still felt broken, half a person, and was terrified that Jared would be disgusted by him, just like Jamie had been. Jamie’s cruel and hurtful words still echoed in his mind, haunted his nightmares but Jared wasn’t Jamie. Jensen had convinced himself that having no leg wouldn’t matter because no-one would want or love him ever again. But Jared was different – he wanted Jensen, loved Jensen. And Jensen loved and wanted Jared so much it hurt and suddenly having half a leg mattered or didn’t matter, Jensen couldn’t decide. But the more he thought about it, the more he knew Jared didn’t care about his leg. Jared loved him for who he was. It was a startling revelation for Jensen and had been the deciding factor in his decision that tonight was the night he was going to show Jared how much he loved him back. Tonight he was going to run towards Jared. Jensen glanced up as Jeff passed his bedroom door, giving him a small wave.
Jensen frowned. Jeff had been acting weirdly since the accident and Jensen decided it was time to talk. “Hey,” he said waving Jeff into the room.
“What’s up? You OK?” Jeff leaned on the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. Over the last eighteen months, Jeff had learned not to stare at Jensen’s stump knowing his brother hated it, instead he always looked directly at Jensen’s face. For the first time in years, Jeff found it hard and could feel the guilt swirling in his stomach as he looked at his brother, bruised and bloody and all because of his big mouth.
“No,” Jensen answered with another frown. He was puzzled by Jeff’s strange behaviour, the furtive looks, the unusual silence and the lack of teasing. It was beginning to freak him out and he wanted his familiar Jeff back.
“What’s wrong? Can I do anything for you?” Jeff hurried into the room, immediately concerned.
Jensen huffed in frustration. “Who the hell are you and what have you done with my brother?” he shook his head irritated. He swatted Jeff’s hands away. “Get your goddam hands away from me,” Jensen snapped.
Jeff took a step backwards, his hands up in surrender. “I’m just concerned about you. Trying to help,” he defended.
“Well stop it and stop it now,” Jensen retorted. “I want my brother back,” he said firmly. “You know the snarky bastard who drives me crazy every day. Breaks and burns stuff all over the place. Let’s me fall on my ass without going all touchy feely.”
Jeff bit at his bottom lip scrubbing a hand through his beard. “You coulda been seriously hurt….. and it’s all my fault.”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “No it’s not.”
“It is,” Jeff snapped.
“You sound like a five year old,” Jensen said with a smirk.
“Do not,” Jeff said before he could stop himself. He flushed pink, annoyed at Jensen. “Asshole,” he hissed.
Jensen chuckled. “Now that’s the Jeff I want back and now. I miss him.”
Jeff looked down studying his feet. “I still shouldn’t have been teasing you about Jared…. and… and your sex life. It’s none of my business.”
“No it’s not…. but then I shouldn’t have gone off in a huff,” Jensen conceded. “You were only teasing, I know that.”
Jeff nodded his head vigorously. “I’ll never tease you about your sex life again. I’m really sorry.”
“I know you are…. and it’s OK,” Jensen said softly.
“Jared hates me now too,” Jeff looked up at Jensen.
Jensen cocked his head to one side, amused at the childishness of the statement. He shook his head. “Jared could never hate anyone. And I don’t either,” Jensen said firmly.
“Tore me off a strip when I told him what had happened. Called me a lot of colourful names too… some I even aint heard off,” Jeff shivered. “He’s one scary dude.”
Jensen laughed out loud amused that both Jared and Jeff thought the other was scary. “He said that about you too,” he snorted.
“It’s not funny,” Jeff countered. “He chewed out my ass good and proper. I felt like a four year old who had been caught beating up a teddy bear or something.”
Jensen snorted again. “You are a four year old…. in an old man’s body,” Jensen teased.
“Hey,” Jeff said affronted. “Less of the old man.”
“You probably deserved the telling off for something you’ve done in the past …. but not for me being a clumsy asshole and going off and taking a dive down the stairs.”
“But,” Jeff interrupted.
Jensen held his hand up stopping Jeff mid-sentence. “No buts… and no guilt. I fell… end of story. Just be you. Not this weird guy who moved in and took over my brother’s body. You’re seriously creeping me out.”
Jeff glared. “I hate happy Jensen,” he sulked. “Can’t you be miserable sulking guy again?”
“No,” Jensen smirked up at Jeff. “He’s gone.”
“Bet he makes a guest appearance when I burn the apple pies,” Jeff teased. “Or set off the smoke alarm.”
Jensen smiled. “Damn straight.”
Jeff smiled at Jensen. He felt better – Jensen had always had that affect on him, even when they were kids. Jensen didn’t hate him and Jeff admitted to himself he probably knew all along that his younger brother could never hate him deciding to put his recent behaviour down to a bad case of guilt. The shame lessened slightly and Jeff sighed. “Thank you,” he said.
Jensen gave a small nod. “Anyway you were probably right,” he conceded with a smile. “I need to get my head outta my ass and get on with my life…. with Jared.”
“He really loves you,” Jeff nodded.
“I know,” Jensen said. “And I love him back.”
“And it,” Jeff waved towards Jensen’s stump. “Doesn’t matter to him.”
“I know,” Jensen said and he really believed the words this time. “But it’s really hard sometimes. I hate how it looks,” he waved a hand at the stump.
“I know you do but he’s not Jamie,” Jeff reminded.
“No he’s not,” Jensen gave a small smile.
“Just give him a chance,” Jeff suggested. “Give yourself a chance. You deserve to be happy. And I have this weird feeling that Jared is it for you.”
Jensen nodded and beamed happily. “I think so too.”
“Good. So I guess we’re finished with the girly stuff?” Jeff joked.
Jensen mock-scowled. “You started it.”
“Did not,” Jeff pouted. He quirked an eyebrow at Jensen. “So my brilliant brain deducts…. after looking at our now shiny polished apartment, the yummy stuff in the kitchen and the candles on the table in our roof garden….. that my awesomeness isn’t needed tonight?”
Jensen nodded. “You deduce right Sherlock.”
Jeff nodded. “So we’re OK?” He had to make sure.
Jensen smiled. “Yeah we’re OK asshole. Now get outta here so I can make myself sexy for Jared.”
“Have you got that long?” Jeff teased.
“I hate you,” Jensen threw his pillow at Jeff.
“I hate you too,” Jeff caught the pillow throwing it back at Jensen. “Have fun,” he said as he left the room.
Jensen laughed throwing the pillow back on the bed before staring down at his stump for a moment. He bit at lower lips before making his decision deciding there was no way he was starting the evening without his leg. He grimaced, biting back a groan, as he stretched the protective covering over the still slightly tender end of his stump. Taking a deep breath, Jensen then forced the end of the stump into the cuff securing the hated prosthesis to his knee. He experimentally flexed the knee before pulling himself to a standing position using one of his crutches under his left arm for support. Jensen bounced slightly – the pain was minimal and anyway, Jensen argued, he hoped some of the evening would be spent horizontal with Jared. Jensen blushed bright red at the thought and despite his inner terror couldn’t help feeling the sting of excitement and anticipation in his stomach. “Stop it,” he chastised himself as he sat back on the bed grabbing for his jeans.
An hour later………….
Jared wandered around the cosy lived-in room. The airy living room opened out onto the glass covered roof garden making the room seem ever larger. The apartment was a good size and could be entered either through the shop or from an entrance located at the rear of the building. There was a kitchen/dining room where Jensen was, at present, fiddling with some culinary creation. Jared knew the apartment had three bedrooms, two with en-suites as well as a master bath and a small study filled with paperwork relating to the coffee shop.
Jared liked Jeff and Jensen’s apartment – despite two men living here, it had a homely feel, a throwback to their mother’s influence, Jared decided. He’d been here many times since dating Jensen and it was beginning to feel like home. Jared flushed at the thought as he continued to wander around the room looking at the family photographs filling a complete wall. Photographs of Jensen and Jeff at varying stages of their lives. Photographs of their parents and even one of the opening of the coffee shop, all four family members standing in front of the shop beaming at the photographer. Jared smiled as he wandered out to the roof garden. The garden was filled with pots of herbs, none of which Jared recognised. There were small shrubs and plants in concrete planters that circled the garden. A glass door at the opposite end of the garden opened up to the roof itself with a good view of the town beyond. It was strangely peaceful cut off from the bustle and noise of the town and Jared could imagine Jensen in the garden planting his herbs for his latest cookery experiment.
Jared turned and looked down at the neatly set table complete with tablecloth, flowers and candles. Baskets of his favourite snacks lay on the table and he managed to resist the temptation to sample some before dinner. He smiled happily at the effort Jensen had gone too sensing, deep down, that tonight was important to Jensen. His body tingled with anticipation and excitement hoping the heated look on Jensen’s face and the kiss he’d received when he’d first arrived meant what he thought it meant. Jared sighed cursing himself for over-thinking stuff as usual. Patience was his current watch word and Jared was determined to let Jensen take the lead. He’d been hurt when Jensen had sent him away from the hospital but Jared understood, he really did, and had shaken the feeling off pretty quickly and despite being busy with the teddy bear launch had bombarded Jensen with text messages and quick phone calls in an effort to let him know he was loved. Jared couldn’t imagine how it must feel to have half a leg and have someone you loved call you disgusting or repulsive. Jared didn’t know Jamie but he hated him with a vengeance for hurting Jensen.
He stared out over the town letting his mind wander leaving it to its own devices as he sipped on his coke. Jared couldn’t help chuckling to himself at the look on Jeff’s face when he’d lost his temper over the reason for Jensen’s accident. He’d been so mad at Jeff when the older man reluctantly admitted the cause of Jensen’s fall. Jared had wanted to hit the man but instead had ranted for over ten minutes at a strangely silent Jeff before storming off to calm down. They’d talked since, put things right, but Jared still couldn’t help feeling a bit angry at Jeff teasing Jensen about their lack of sex life knowing full well how his brother felt about his leg. Jared sipped at his coke putting his angry thoughts aside wanting to enjoy his evening alone with Jensen.
Jared chuckled again –Jeff and he were even now. Jensen’s voice startled him out of his musing and Jared turned watching as the other man laid some more dishes on the table. He was using a crutch under his left arm to support himself and take the weight of his leg. Jared was positive Jensen shouldn’t be wearing the leg but knew better than to voice his opinion, trusting Jensen to know his own body and its limitations.
“What’s so funny?” Jensen asked.
Jared chuckled again putting his coke can on the table. “Just remembering the look on Jeff’s face when I lost it and yelled at him.”
Jensen smiled. “He said you were a scary dude,” he limped towards Jared.
Jared gently pulled Jensen towards him. He stroked a finger over the bruising around one of Jensen’s eyes, then the other eye before tracing a circle with his finger carefully around the healing gash on his forehead. The bruising was fading to a yellowish/blue tinge and the gash didn’t look red and raw anymore. Jared kissed Jensen’s forehead. “How’s it feel having two scary dudes loving you?”
Jensen pulled a face. “You’re both idiots.” “
“But we both love you,” Jared defended with a pout.
Jensen rolled his eyes. “And I love you both…… so I guess it’s good in a freaky sort of way,” he replied with a small smile. He reached up stroking his fingers down Jared’s face.
“He still shouldn’t have said what he said to you,” Jared said, a glimmer of anger still present deep inside.
“I know,” Jensen agreed. “And Jeff knows too but sometimes he just gets carried away. He didn’t really mean anything by it. He was just teasing.”
“It was stupid,” Jared persisted.
“Yeah it was but don’t hate Jeff. It wasn’t his fault. I was in a temper and just missed my footing. It was a stupid accident. OK?” Jensen pleaded as he stroked his fingers softly across Jared’s cheek.
“I don’t hate Jeff,” Jared leaned into Jensen’s touch. “Don’t worry. We hugged earlier… so it’s cool,” he said with a grin.
“You’re just both so girly,” Jensen teased.
Jared huffed. “It was a manly hug.”
Jensen snorted. “So no more shouting at the stupid lump?” he said. “Jeff turned into this weird person that kinda freaked me out. Creeping around saying nice things to me,” Jensen mock-shivered. “It was like a scary movie or something.”
Jared laughed. “Promise. No more shouting at your lump of a big brother.”
“Good,” Jensen leaned up kissing Jared softly. “Love you,” he whispered.
“Love you back,” Jared murmured against Jensen’s lips. He tugged Jensen closer claiming his lips in a gentle kiss. Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen pulling him even closer. Jensen shifted slightly letting his crutch fall to the floor as he leaned into the embrace and the kiss. Jared moaned deepening the kiss, their tongues touching savouring the uniqueness of the other.
Jensen pulled back first smiling up at Jared. He took a deep breath. “Jeff was right you know.”
“About what?” Jared murmured as he leaned forwards licking a wet path up the tendons in Jensen’s neck. He smirked at the resultant shiver from Jensen.
“About us,” Jensen pulled back slightly. “And you …. well you know….,” he flushed suddenly embarrassed.
“Oh.” Jared couldn’t think of anything else to say knowing this was a big moment for Jensen.
“I want you so much,” Jensen whispered biting at his lip nervously.
“Want you too,” Jared smiled.
“I’m….. I’m afraid,” Jensen ducked his head downwards flushing slightly at the admission.
“I know,” Jared tilted Jensen’s head up. “It’s OK. We can just spend the evening together. No pressure. OK.”
Jensen gave a shaky nod and then shook his head, determined. “No,” he said firmly as he took another deep breath. “Let’s skip dinner and go straight to dessert.”
Jared took a moment to study Jensen. The expression in Jensen’s eyes was a mixture of stubborn determination, love and a tiny bit of hope. “You know how I love your desserts,” Jared grinned widely before leaning down and kissing Jensen again.
Jensen groaned deepening the kiss devouring Jared’s mouth as though he was never going to let go. He shifted his hips rubbing his groin against Jared’s feeling the other man’s arousal against his own. Jared sighed as he pulled Jensen even closer. He placed his hand behind Jensen’s head intensifying the kiss and plundering the warm lips eagerly.
Finally lack of breath made Jensen draw back. He smiled up at Jared and stepped back stumbling slightly. Jared steadied Jensen as he scooped up the fallen crutch settling it under Jensen’s left arm. Jensen leaned sideways and blew out the candles. He grinned up at Jared. “Don’t want Jeff giving me hell for starting a fire.”
Jared chuckled and leaned closer, his breath tickling Jensen’s neck. He licked at Jensen’s ear. “Don’t bring your fire extinguisher because…,” Jared blew in Jensen’s ear. “I intend to start a different kind of fire,” he said huskily.
Jensen shivered and limped towards the door, Jared at his heels. Once in the bedroom, Jensen closed the door leaning up against it. As he stared silently at Jared, Jensen could feel his body trembling and he clenched his fists trying to will away his fear. “It’s Jared. It’s Jared,” he thought over and over. Jensen suddenly felt stupid, not able to move, frozen to the spot seemingly unable to force himself forwards.
Jared perched on the edge of the bed silently watching Jensen. He could clearly see the terror in the other man’s eyes but he could also see want, need and desire. He smiled encouragingly. “Jensen,” he held his hand out in invitation and patiently waited. Jared was determined to take things at Jensen’s pace and left his hand outstretched. He smiled softly.
Jensen worried his bottom lip as he stared across at Jared. Kind, patient and loving Jared. Jensen could seethe love shining in his pale eyes. Love for him with no hint of disgust or horror. He gave a nervous smile and slowly pushed his body away from the door limping slowly towards Jared. He reached out grabbing onto Jared’s hand as though his life depended upon it.
“Let’s lie down together,” Jared suggested desperate for Jensen to relax. Letting go of Jensen’s hand, Jared quickly pushed the comforter back and then slipped off his boots. He lay down on the bed opening his arms towards a still hesitating Jensen. “Lay with me,” he encouraged.
Jensen gave a shaky nod laying his crutch to one side. Sitting on the edge of the bed he removed his own boots and turned lying down awkwardly rolling into Jared’s arms. He snuggled close revelling in the warmth of the embrace. “I love you,” he murmured kissing Jared’s neck.
“Good,” Jared said. “Because I love you back.” He could feel the fine tremors pulsing through Jensen’s body and he stroked a hand in circles on his back soothingly, trying to allay his fears with touch. He leaned forwards sprinkling small kisses on Jensen’s face, licking along his jaw bone and down his neck. Jensen moaned leaning into the kiss, his hands clutching at Jared’s shirt. Mouths opened to gentle prodding and their tongues tangled as they explored one another’s warm mouth. Breathless, they pulled back from the kiss to smile at each other. They kept hold of one another as though afraid to let go as free hands caressed the other’s body.
Feeling suddenly bold, Jensen pushed Jared’s t-shirt upwards. Leaning forwards, he traced a path over Jared’s chest with his tongue slowly, lapping at the warm expanse of slightly tanned skin. He licked at one nipple then the other enjoying the moans and groans coming from the other man. Jared shifted pulling his t-shirt completely off throwing it over his shoulder. “You too,” he said pulling Jensen’s t-shirt over his head to join his own on the floor. He ran his hands over Jensen’s chest and nipples revelling in just touching Jensen, mindful of the spattering of bruising along his right side disappearing round to his lower back. Desperate to taste Jensen again, Jared pulled on his head impatiently until their lips touched once again. They kissed fiercely, full of passion and desire. Without warning, Jensen pushed at Jared drawing back from the kiss and his embrace. Jensen rolled to sit on the edge of the bed.
“Jensen?” Jared said softly stroking a hand down Jensen’s back. “You OK? We can go slower.”
“No. No. I have… have to do this now…. Jared. Before I change my mind…. we need to get ….. well you know.… I need to take……take… have to do this now. Running…. not walking…. I need…need,” Jensen babbled as he started to wiggle out of his jeans. He turned to look at Jared. “Need…,” Jensen mumbled. “To do this….. this now. Jeff’s right… you’re not Jamie. You’re Jared.” Jensen turned away fumbling some more with getting his jeans off. “Don’t just … just lie there. Get naked.” Jensen’s jeans and underwear joined the t-shirts on the floor.
Jared wanted to laugh out loud at the snapped order but had a feeling Jensen was near to a full blown panic attack. He dragged himself to a sitting position. “Jensen,” he touched the other man’s now naked shoulder gently. Jensen shrugged the hand off. “Jensen,” Jared scooted closer.
Jensen was shaking and hunched over slightly trying to hide his leg from Jared. His mind was screaming for Jared to go away but at the same time, he wanted Jared nearer. Wanted Jared so much. Jensen stared down at his prosthesis. Stared down at the lifeless plastic leg with toes that didn’t wiggle, with a surface that was hairless and wouldn’t burn in sunlight or bleed if he hacked into it with a sharp knife. Not alive. Completely dead and ugly. Tears spilled unchecked down his face and Jensen wiped at them angrily. Taking a deep breath, he clutched the hated leg with both hands swiftly and expertly removing the prosthesis and its attachments rolling it under the bed. Now left with only the stump staring back at him, Jensen’s fears came rushing back. “Don’t look. Please don’t look.”
“Ssshhh. It’s OK,” Jared soothed rubbing his hand in circles on Jensen’s back.
“But it’s ugly,” Jensen choked out the words through his tears. “I hate it.”
“I know,” Jared whispered wanting to cry himself. He bit back his own tears concentrating all his efforts on Jensen. He had caught a glimpse of the stump and he admitted to himself that it looked strange but it didn’t matter to him. What was important to Jared was Jensen, not whether he had two legs. He loved Jensen for who he was. Beautiful, fun and gentle Jensen. Leg or no leg, Jensen was it was Jared. Jared dropped a kiss on Jensen’s shoulder.
“I feel so ugly,” Jensen murmured turning towards Jared. “You’re so perfect and beautiful. And my leg is so hideous.”
Jared decided to take action. He didn’t know how he managed it, but Jared firmly tugged and manoeuvred a naked Jensen until he was lying in his embrace, head tucked in the crook of Jared’s neck. Jared could feel the wetness of Jensen’s tears on his skin. Shifting he forced Jensen to look at him. “I don’t care about your leg,” Jared said firmly. “I just care about you. Being with you.” He enunciated each word carefully holding Jensen’s gaze putting everything he felt about Jensen into his expression, desperately hoping that the other man could see how much he was loved. “You’re so sexy and I’m gonna prove to you just how beautiful you are to me.”
“Jared,” Jensen whispered.
“No. I’m gonna start here,” Jared kissed Jensen’s lips. “Then move to here,” he kissed Jensen’s chin. “Then here,” he leaned up kissing Jensen’s forehead. “And here and here,” Jared kissed Jensen’s nose and both cheeks. “And then here again,” he claimed Jensen’s lip again, sucking on the bottom lip. Jared pulled back grinning. “Then I’m gonna name each one of your freckles. This one is called Jack… this one is Fred,” he touched a finger to each freckle. “What about Roger for this one?”
“Jared,” Jensen protested with a shaky laugh.
“Ssshhhh….this may take some time,” Jared said. “I think this one can be Kyle… and this one is definitely an Amos.”
“You’re weird,” Jensen teased softly. He sniffed, his tears drying on his face. “And over-dressed,” he tugged on Jared’s belt. Jared grinned letting go of Jensen quickly stripping off his jeans and underwear discarding them onto the floor.
Rolling back he embraced Jensen pulling him close, silky skin against silky skin. “Now where was I? Oh yeah…. this one is definitely a Jack,” he kissed at a group of freckles. Jared could feel Jensen gradually relaxing against him. “Oh look… they go down here,” Jared said swiping his tongue up and down the tendons of Jensen's neck. Jensen shivered unconsciously pressing into the touch. Jared smiled and continued his exploration constantly reminding himself, in his head, to take it slow and be gentle. “You have freckles on your shoulders. “Mmmm sexy, " he kissed the warm skin, sucking hard and marking Jensen as his. Jared lapped at the red mark soothingly with the tip of his tongue. "So beautiful," he reiterated with a smile, looking directly at Jensen.
All the time Jared was kissing Jensen he was running his hand up and down Jensen's arm enjoying the feel of the warm skin. With each caress, Jared brushed his hand further and further down Jensen's body tracing a line along his flank to his hip. He glanced down – Jensen had his eyes closed and Jared could sense the nervous hitched breathing vibrate through the other man’s body. “So beautiful,” Jared whispered running his hand over Jensen’s hip again. He desperately wanted Jensen to know that he didn’t care, that he just wanted to touch him, prove that he wasn’t disgusted by his body.
Jensen tried desperately not to grip Jared’s arm and pull him away. The panic deep inside was rising up again threatening to choke him. Jared’s hand and fingers were so close to his hated stump. He wanted this so desperately but was terrified that Jared would see his leg and be disgusted by him. Jensen could feel the tears stinging at his eyes again as his heart pounded in his chest. A tear escaped running down his face and Jensen squeezed his eyes closed trying to shut out his fear and misery. Jared was so kind and gentle and he deserved Jensen’s trust but he just couldn’t seem to stop the panic and the feeling of inadequacy from overwhelming him. Another tear escaped and Jensen silently cursed his stupidity.
Jared could feel Jensen’s heart thumping against his own chest. Jensen still had his eyes squeezed shut and Jared could see the tears running freely over his cheeks. Jared moved slightly and swiped his tongue across Jensen’s cheeks lapping at the salty wetness. “Don’t,” Jared murmured as he splayed a hand over Jensen’s pounding heart. “It’s OK,” Jared soothed rubbing circles on Jensen’s chest with one hand.
“Ugly,” Jensen choked out.
“No,” Jared scattered kisses across Jensen’s face. “Beautiful.”
Jensen pulled back from Jared, studying his face finding no hint of a lie or untruth finding only love and a simple genuineness that he had come to associate with Jared. He worried at his lower lip, his mind warring with itself. Mind made up, Jensen took a deep calming breath. “You can touch,” he forced himself to say.
“Are you sure?” Jared asked.
Jensen nodded, then shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “But I promise not to freak …. freak out.”
Jared gave a small smile and leaned forwards claiming Jensen’s lips in a soft kiss to distract him from what he was about to do. Still kissing, Jared rolled Jensen onto his back and carefully straddled his thighs taking care with his legs and their positioning. Jensen pushed his upper body up into the kiss, his hands clinging to Jared’s shoulders nails digging into the skin.
As he continued to kiss Jensen, Jared moved his hand slowly downwards stroking and caressing his fingers along Jensen’s flank towards his hip. He felt Jensen tremble as he brushed the tips of his fingers across his upper leg, soft stroking motions designed to reassure and relax. Jensen flinched and tensed as Jared gently ran one finger across the drawn skin of the stump. “I love you,” Jared whispered as he sucked on Jensen’s lips before pressing his tongue into his mouth and exploring the warmth, his fingers still caressing and stroking gently.
Jensen sighed losing himself in the kiss, totally forgetting that Jared was stroking his fingers up and down, around and around his stump. When he realised that Jared had been caressing his leg for a moment or two, Jensen expected the panic and fear to set in. Waited for the terror to grip him but nothing happened. No disgust or hurtful words, just Jared touching him, loving him. And Jensen swore blind he could sense the love and affection radiating from Jared. He couldn’t help the moan of pleasure that escaped him and he deepened the kiss sucking on Jared’s tongue, his hands gradually loosening their death grip of Jared’s shoulders. Jensen caressed his hands up and down Jared’s arms and shoulders, soothing the marks he knew he had made with his finger nails. “I love you,” he murmured against Jared’s lips, his body relaxing.
“Love you too,” Jared pulled back from the kiss concentrating his efforts on licking and sucking at Jensen's neck and shoulder whilst his hand idly explored the warm naked skin beneath him. Every now and again, he stroked his fingers over Jensen’s stump in reassurance.
Necks and shoulders were licked, sucked and bruised with red marks they each would carry with them for the next few days. Groaning and sighing in pleasure, they explored the unfamiliar territory of one another's body claiming lips hungrily, the floodgates of desire overtaking them. Jensen’s fear of rejection because of his leg slowly faded with Jared’s soft touches, kisses and moans of appreciation.
Jared rolled them until they lay facing each other grinning. Pressing their nakedness against each other, they revelled in the feel of sweat-dampened skin against sweat-dampened skin. They began to move against each other – awkward at first until Jensen found a position that suited his lack of a complete leg. Hands, tongues and lips probed and massaged every dip and curve of the other’s body as they pressed closer and closer. Rubbing and grinding their bodies against one another, they continued to kiss enthusiastically.
Breathless they pulled back from their kisses. Both had swollen lips and flushed faces. Lying face to face they grinned at each other again. Jared traced a finger up and down Jensen’s flushed skin. "Still scared?" Jared whispered.
Jensen shook his head. “A bit… but you made me feel beautiful….. whole, he murmured as his hand traced small circle shapes on Jared’s belly.
"Not finished yet," Jared leaned forward claiming Jensen's lips once again.
"Good," Jensen whispered in Jared’s ear as he pulled back from the kiss. Jensen sighed as he moved his hand slowly down towards Jared's groin. Jared's breathing hitched as Jensen lazily ran his fingers up and down his half hard cock. Jared groaned in ecstasy pushing his cock into Jensen's willing hand feeling it harden and swell as he possessed Jensen's lips in a fervent kiss. Jensen responded eagerly by thrusting his tongue in and out of Jared's mouth in tandem to the hand that was gently pumping Jared's cock. Jensen rolled Jared’s balls between his fingers before moving back to stroking up and down the silky hardness rubbing a finger across the now leaking slit.
Jared returned Jensen's kisses with a ferocity he hadn't known he possessed until this moment. His hands roamed restlessly over Jensen's body. Jensen groaned at the touch luxuriating in the feel of the warm body pressed tight against his own. "Please," Jensen moaned as he tugged on Jared's hand moving it down between their bodies to his own straining hardness. Jared’s hand encircled his cock and Jensen moaned again taking pleasure in the sensation of Jared’s fingers massaging his cock and balls enthusiastically.
A primal desire seemed to overtake them and they thrust against each other bodies intimately touching moving rhythmically as one. Without warning Jared rolled them until he was laying full length on top of Jensen. Jared smiled to himself as Jensen let out a whimper of protest as his hand was dislodged from his cock. Jared rested his forehead on Jensen's revelling in the feeling of Jensen's nakedness against his own. Despite the awkwardness of the move and using his good leg more because it was stronger, Jensen impatiently thrust his hips upwards grinding his cock against Jared’s. Jared growled, low and deep, in the back of his throat as he claimed Jensen's lips once more. Jensen pushed up into the kiss moaning Jared's name.
With passion and hunger awakened they rolled over tangling their bodies in the sheets enjoying the feel of skin against skin as they rolled and rocked against one another. Kissing and licking at each other they again explored the other's nakedness with hands, tongues and mouths. They murmured unintelligible words as they writhed against each other. Panting they finally pulled apart Jared lying on top of Jensen. Jensen reached up to caress Jared's face. "Hey," he mouthed as he traced a finger up and down Jared's silky skin. “Sorry I made you wait. It was stupid.”
Jared smiled down at Jensen . "No it wasn’t. And you were so worth the wait,” he mouthed back with another smile as he leaned down to claim Jensen's lips in a gentler kiss.
Jensen smiled shyly up at Jared. “Thank you…. for being…. well just you.”
Jared flushed slightly. “And thank you for trusting me,” he stroked a hand across Jensen’s stump pleased when there was no flinch or body tensing up.
They came together in a kiss putting all the love they felt for each other into it. They slowed the urgency of their love making taking time to explore learning and memorising every detail of each other's body. Drowning in the sensual feelings they were evoking, they kissed lazily touching and caressing as they slowly rocked their hips enjoying the heat and friction of the new sensations as their cocks rubbed together. As one they gradually began to speed up their rhythm grinding against one another desperately thrusting harder and harder as they brought each other closer and closer towards the heights of passion and completion.
Jared groaned as Jensen nipped and sucked at his skin. Spiralling towards his orgasm Jared’s muscles tensed and he squeezed his eyes closed. With a loud shout, Jared came his cock shooting his release between their sweat soaked bodies. His body jerked as he sunk into his orgasm and Jared covered Jensen’s mouth with his own nipping and biting as he rode out his climax. Jensen writhed and moaned his back arching off the bed. Jared locked their mouths together as he felt Jensen’s body stiffen descending towards his own climax. Jensen arched his back once more as his cock pulsed spurting his warm seed between their bodies mixing with Jared’s release and covering their bellies, thighs and chests. They continued to undulate against one another, their motions fluid, savouring the last moments of ecstasy their bodies tingling with the electricity of their love making. Both finally spent they rolled away from each other laying side by side on their backs staring up at the ceiling. Jensen grabbed for Jared’s hand and they lay clasping one another as they allowed their breathing to calm.
Jared grabbed for his t-shirt cleaning them up quickly before pulling the comforter up over them drawing Jensen towards his body. They lay together silently luxuriating in the afterglow of their love making giving one another the occasional soft kiss. Jared lay on his back with his arm around Jensen his fingers gently caressing Jensen's hair. Jensen lay on his side cuddled close to Jared's warmth one arm slung over his chest his head resting on a shoulder.
Jensen nuzzled Jared’s neck. He felt different, felt more confident for the first time in a long time. “Jared,” he nuzzled at Jared’s neck again.
“Mmmmm,” Jared answered kissing Jensen’s nose.
“Do you wanna meet Trevor?” Jensen asked.
Jared snorted softly. “Like in a date?” he teased gently, pleased Jensen felt comfortable enough to make the offer. He looked across at Jensen smiling.
Jensen returned the smile as he punched at Jared’s arm. “You know what I mean. I just…. just guess you need to see the leg some time.” He bit at his lip nervously. “What do you think?”
Jared kissed Jensen. “Yeah. Tomorrow after I’ve ravished you in the shower,” Jared said, with a gleam in his eyes.
“I have a stool in my shower,” Jensen bit at his lips again, the fear tickling at this brain again. “So I don’t fall on my ass.”
“Then I can sit down while you ravish me,” Jared answered.
Jensen wondered if it were possible to love Jared any more, the simplicity of the answer chasing all his stupid fears away. “So you’re staying?” he quirked an eyebrow at Jared.
Jared smirked mischievously. “Well I figured you’d cook an awesome breakfast,” he chuckled trying to wiggle away from Jensen’s hand again.
Jensen chuckled as he rolled on top of Jared. “You only love me for my cooking,” he mock-pouted.
“Damn,” Jared smirked. “You got me.” He smirked lowering his voice. “But I need to keep my strength up for when you leap on me….. and have your wicked way.”
Jensen snorted before leaning down to kiss Jared. He rubbed his awakening arousal against Jared’s hip. “Damn straight,” he murmured.
END