Chapter Text
Author's notes: First chapter, always interesting. Talks about whats going on in Jensen's mind.
The door to the medicine cabinet opened with a start. Jensen grabbed for the anti-depressants after waking from memories he really rather not think about. He was sweating in his boxers, on a chilly, fall night. Hands trembling violently he tried opening the bottle of what would drift him to dreamless sleep. "Dammit." The bottle cap just didn't want to oblige to the fact of being opened. He struggled and after a good 5-10 minutes finally got the tiny bottle to open. A sort of relief flood through him as he took 2 pills and wobbled to the kitchen. Ever after about 20 pills you'd think the person could walk properly, but no. It was a slow, unstable, hunched walk. A walk that clearly showed the person was on his defense and constantly reminded of the ridicule and unworthiness. It's the walk Jensen had become accustomed too. And that too for a while now.
He opened his fridge door and took out the nice, cool water jug. As soon as his hand encircled the jug handle a relieved look washed over his face; cold water always soothed him. He set it slowly on the counter top as he pulled a glass out of the cupboard and set it down. Maybe he should call Rennie and tell her what happened? No, he'd just be bothering her. He'd already done enough of that. With feeble hands he lifted the pills up to his mouth and swallowed, following with water.
As soon as the pills washed down a sort of relaxation came over Jensen. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, leaning against the counter so he didn't tumble. He never was able to explain what the drugs did for him but he knew he helped him forget. For the moment at least. And that, that was good enough. Even if the nightmares were at bay for minutes, even seconds, it was worth it. How he wished everything that happened back then never came true. He wished he didn't have to make his closest friends leave their further schooling because of his insecurities. What he would do just so they all could go back to that. What he'd do just to be held in the arms of his family.
This time with love, not disgust.
What he'd do to make everything go back to normal. He sighed raggedly as the phone ringing brought him back to life. He shuffled over to it and picked it up, "Hello?" God, he hated how his voice sounded barely above a whisper and weakened over the years. "Hey Jensen, how are you?" Jensen's sadness vanished for a few moments as he heard the person’s voice that was there for him through everything. Serenity Fate. Yeah, she had a very unique and different name that matched her personality perfectly. "F-fine, you?" he hadn't meant to stutter. She caught on to the slightest of actions. It was like she didn't even try.
"Jensen? Baby, are you ok?" Jensen could hear the evident panic in her voice. Great, she thought he was having a nightmare and probably going through some shock. In a matter of minutes she'd probably bust through the door. His hands started to shake a bit from the haunting memory that followed. His voice cracked when he spoke, "Yeah, I'm fine." Jensen didn't hear Rennie's voice for a bit and knew she was probably quickly dressing in whatever she found before answering, "I'll be there in 5." With that she closed the phone. Jensen sighed again, followed by a small cough. She didn't need to come here at 3 in the morning. She should be sleeping like any normal person and waking up normally. Not abnormally, like him. She really didn't need to do this for him, yet she did.
Jensen trailed into his living room as he idly sat down and stared into space. Memories invaded his mind, and this time he wasn't able to let them just, go away.
Jensen limped his way down the darkened streets of Richardson, Texas after another beating. The kids at school said he deserved it because he was a “little fag excuse of a man”. Their words hurt like hell but Jensen had long since learned to drown them out. How he wished he wasn’t walking late at night though. That was when they were out anyways.
Hot, wet tears streaked down his face as he furiously tried to wipe them away. He hated that his own family was disgusted by the very thought of him. He hated how he was deserted by his so called “friends” because of his sexuality. Yes, Jensen Ackles was gay and so far proud. But now he didn’t know anymore. Everyone drilled it in that no one liked someone like him. Some words just cut deep down. Especially, when his own father called him them. He knew he was a disgrace. He didn’t need to be told twice. Once was more then enough. The only person who truly seemed to not care was Serenity; which is where he was currently going.
Before he could even ring the doorbell it flung open. There stood Rennie in a t-shirt and shorts with a sad and concerned face, “God Jensen, what did they do now.” He stumbled in as she caught him just before he fell to the floor. Her eyes bugged out at the numerous knife cuts and bruises he had received. She was revolted by these bastards that called themselves “human”. No one should have to take such a severe beating.
She helped him inside and upstairs. His jeans were all cut up and bloody as was his ripped shirt. His hair had dirt and blood clinging to and off it. Tear tracks were evident on his usual handsome face. She ran out and came back with the first aid kit, “I swear, I’ll kill them for this.” She now also had tears adorning her face. Before she fixed him up—or as much as she could—she worked his jeans and shirt off. She threw them in a heap as Jensen now stood there only in his boxers. Her eyes narrowed at the scatter of bruises around his stomach and chest. She trailed light fingers over them but when she felt a wince she quickly retracted it. “Why me Rennie?”
Jensen constantly asked himself this. Why did he have to go through all this, when all the “straight” and “normal” people were worshipped? And always he never got an answer. “Because, their stupid assholes who think their better then everyone else.” She wiped away the dirt and blood from his face. First she used alcohol for the cuts and then water to give it a cleaner look. “You wanna shower?” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she got a look at his back bruises as fresh tears leaked through her eyes. Jensen nodded. When she got up to leave he grabbed her wrist, “Please don’t leave me.” Her eyes widened as she grabbed him in a hug. He buried his face in her neck and she felt his body wreck of sobs. Serenity closed her own eyes as her tears fell on his hair.
She sniffled as she got him up and to the washroom, “I’ll wait here.” She turned around as he stripped and got in the shower and just sat on the toilet. So many things hit Jensen at the moment. If he ever got away from this he didn’t know if he’d ever be ok again. It’s one thing when people say you’re a failure and to never contact them, it’s different when your own family does.
He shut the water off and opened the shower curtain. Serenity didn’t react as most girls would after seeing Jensen wet and naked. She smiled feebly and handed him a towels to wrap around himself. She supported him out as they walked back to her room so he could change. She kept a small supply of his clothing in case he ever had to come to her house. He dried off and got into the clothes. Jensen saw Serenity go to lie on the sofa to give him extra room but pulled her besides him. She smiled, wrapping one of her arms around him, while the other stroked his hair to lull him to sleep.
Jensen woke when he heard the doorbell ring. He half slide half tripped to the door opening it to a worried Rennie who flung herself at him, “God Jensen! Are you alright honey! I’m here ok! We’ll just lie down till you sleep ok, I am in no hurry.” She was constantly looking at him to see any damages done, none. Jensen had rather grown into quite the attractive man. Pine green eyes, plum, pouty lips, high defined cheekbones and a killer smile, when he smiled.
She took off her jacket and her shoes. Jensen cringed slightly at the sight. She was in such a hurry she wore shorts and a tank. God, she must be freezing. And it was his fault. “Really Rennie, y-you didn’t have to c-come.” He stuttered, closing the door, tripping in the process. He balanced himself to come face-to-face with Serenity’s annoyed face, “Jensen, you know I’d be here even if you didn’t need me.” She smiled giving him a big, warm hug. He responded back as he clutched onto her as though he’d break.
A worried expression crossed her as she stroked through his hair, giving him a small kiss on the cheek, “What’s wrong?” Her voice was now barely above a whisper. Jensen told her what he dreamt. He broke down during the middle, so, she snuggled up to him, rocking him back and forth as he kept telling her what happened. Jensen hated being so weak and that something so small got him so hyped. He hated knowing that he worried the people around him over minor issues. He wished he was strong like before. He wished he was able to face his problems head on. He wished so much only to be gained with nothing.
“God Rennie, you probably think I’m a sad excuse for a man. I just, I just can’t get anything out of my mind. Everything just keeps falling apart.” Rennie held him tighter as she wiped away the tears and kissed his forehead, “Jensen don’t you ever say that again. You aren’t weak; you’ve just been through hell. All you need is love and support. Something you should have been receiving from a while ago. No ones perfect Jensen” She spat the middle part and he cringed. She got him to lie down again as she wrapped herself around him as she played with his hair, trying to get him to go into a dreamless, painless sleep.
Jensen owed her so much. He wanted to break through all this. So badly, no one could even imagine. He wanted to be the supporter not the one being supported. He wished so deeply that he could really just go back to sleep, but sometimes, nothing helped him. God, wherever you are, please help me.