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Sinful Desire
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Published:
2009-06-23
Completed:
2009-06-29
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48,352
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11/11
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Closed Doors

Summary:

A secret that ought to bring them closer together, might tear them apart.

Notes:

Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at Sinful-Desire.org. To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on Sinful Desire collection profile.

Author's notes: Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Other Characters: their friends and families. And some people I made up.
Genre: slash, first time
Disclaimer: this story is pure fiction. Some people are not even real. I don’t mean to disrespect any individual that is mentioned, nor anyone who’s reading this.
Disclaimer 2: the chapter titles are from “Breathe Into Me” by Red
Warnings/ Promises: hugs, kisses and tears. A fight, a punch, a secret. Overprotective!friends. Angst and drama like whoa. Sex. A very slow build-up. Many closed doors, literally and metaphorically. And the shameless use of Chad Michael Murray as a reasonable guy.

Chapter 1: And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me

Chapter Text

Everything had been normal one hour ago.

 

 

“You sure, you don’t wanna come with us?” Jared was still standing in the kitchen with Jensen, both dogs already waiting and barking excitedly, knowing that they were about to go outside in a minute.

 

“Nah, the three of you need some quality time alone, man. They already love me better than you. Don’t want you to come home one day and they’re biting, ‘cause they think you’re a stranger or something.”

 

“Shut up!” Jared mumbled, laughing with his friend. “You’re just lazy, man. That’s it. You wanna sit your ass on the couch, watch TV and get fat.”

 

“As a matter of fact I do. I’m gonna have this perfect burrito on that perfect couch and have a perfect night watchin’ the game.”

 

Jared put on his running shoes and glanced up to Jensen, who was grinning stupidly. With the plate with the burrito in one hand, Jensen passed him and went towards the living room.

 

“Dude, don’t forget to call your momma. You promised her!”

 

Jared heard a groan from Jensen somewhere in the house and he couldn’t help but laugh out loud. He found him sitting on the couch, wearing a grumpy look now.

 

“What’s up? You love your momma.” Jared was smiling at his friend. Of course Jensen loved his mother. But they both knew how their mothers could get sometimes.

 

“’Course I do. But when she called my cell to tell me I should call her, she seemed so excited like she discovered Elvis is alive or something.” Another groan. “I get the feeling that I don’t even wanna know what it is.”

 

“How’s your father?” Jared had turned more serious and saw the worry flicker in Jensen’s eyes.

 

“Getting better, the last I heard. Seems like it was really just the flu and nothing serious.” And then, after a short pause and with pretended annoyance, “Now get your ass out already. The dogs are gonna break the door, if you don’t let them out.”

 

“Okay, I’m going,” Jared smiled at him and headed for the front door. “But don’t go bitchin’ on me, when all the ladies won’t look at you, because they’re too busy watching my perfect body!” Although he was already half out of the house, he would swear he heard Jensen laughing at that.

 

 

Now, something had changed.

 

Jared could feel it in the exact moment he entered the house. The dogs had gone quiet and nervous. There was a silence in the house that didn’t seem to come from the lack of noise. The silence was touchable.

 

“Jensen?” Jared called and again, no one answered. He closed the door behind him, refused to remove his shoes, and walked slowly into the living room.

 

“Jen?” He asked into a quiet room and his voice shook slightly. His mind was racing through hundreds of possible reasons for this. For the fear clawing around his heart.

 

He stopped; suddenly unable to move as he saw him.

 

 

Jensen was sitting on the couch, motionless; one hand was still clutching the phone while the other lay on his thigh, shaking. His chest was moving rapidly and Jared could hear him panting from afar. His face was pale, his eyes huge and staring like his mind was in a distant place.

 

Sadie passing Jared, brushing his leg as she went into the room, and taking hesitant steps towards Jensen, was what awoke Jared from his immobility.

 

“Jensen! God, Jensen!”

 

Two steps and he was on his knees, grabbing the hands of his friend and looking up to him.

 

“Jen, what happened? Are you okay?”

 

Very slowly, his friend's eyes focused on Jared, and they seemed to grow even wider.

 

“Something with your dad? Jen, come on buddy, talk to me!” Jared was all but panicking right now and he damn well knew that, but Jensen still wasn’t answering; just staring blankly at him.

 

“I’m ... I’m okay,” Jensen muffled and pulled his hands back.

 

But Jared was having none of it and gripped them tight. “What is it?”

 

“Let go of me!” Jensen freed himself from Jared’s grip and tried to stand up.

 

Sadie barked twice, loud, maybe because of Jensen shouting at Jared; maybe because she sensed that something was wrong.

 

“What happened?!”

 

Jared got back on his feet and followed Jensen, who tried to walk out of the room, but his hands were still shaking, still holding the phone, and he was taking slow steps on wobbly legs.

 

Jared reached his friend and grabbed hold of his shoulders, whether to stop or to support him, he didn’t know.

 

“Don’t touch me!” He shrugged Jared off and he looked so furious when their eyes met, that Jared froze on the spot once more.

 

Sadie barked again and Jared could hear Harley whimper from down the hall, as he watched Jensen leave the room.

 

 

His instincts kicked back in when he heard the bathroom door being shut and locked and then, a few seconds later, the unmistakable sound of someone throwing up in the toilet.

 

“Oh, God.” Jared’s heart slammed loud and heavy in his chest and he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. “Please, no,” he prayed silently as he ran to the bathroom door and knocked against it.

 

“Jen, please!” he shouted through the closed door. “Tell me what happened! Is it ... is it something with your dad? Jen! Jensen!”

 

There was no answer, just the sound of heavy breathing.

 

Jared knocked again. “Are you okay?! Jen! Damn it! Talk to me! Are you okay?”

 

“’m’kay.” The words were so quiet, Jared couldn’t tell if he had just imagined them.

 

“Something wrong with your family? Jen?” Jared waited for an answer but Jensen said nothing behind the closed door. “Is something ... did something happen to your dad?” Jared’s voice dropped an octave, filled with fear now. He closed his eyes and prayed again. No, please, no.

 

“My family is okay, Jay,” came the silent reply and Jensen’s voice seemed far away now and it wasn't just because he was on the other side of the door. “Everything’s okay. I’m just sick.”

 

Jared heard choking and then coughing and then Jensen said: “I’m just a little sick. Don’t want you to see me like this, that’s all.”

 

 

Jared let his forehead rest against the bathroom door. Thank God. He could feel his heart still hammering in his chest and could hear himself breathing heavily as the adrenaline began seeping out of his body. The wooden door felt cold against his head and his sweaty palms tried to grip hold of that door just like he tried to grip hold of himself again.

 

“Let me in, Jen. Let me help,” Jared demanded softly when he felt like he could stand on his own two feet again.

 

Jensen didn’t answer immediately, but when he did, all he said was: “Go away, Jay. Please, just go. I’ll be fine.”

 

Jared waited a little while longer, but when Jensen still refused to open the door, he let out a heavy sigh, said, “Call me, when you need me,” and went slowly back to the living room.

 

Both dogs were sitting on the rug under the coffetable and giving Jared an almost curious look when he let himself fall down onto the couch.

 

And although he told himself that he just wanted to wait until Jensen came out of the bathroom to try to talk to him again, it only took a couple of minutes until he was fast asleep.

 

The next time Jared woke up, it was dark around him. A glance at the digital clock under the TV told him it was almost three a.m.. Jared shifted off the couch, stretching his muscles as he got up. In the dim light from the clock and the street lamps outside, he could see Harley sleeping on the floor next to the couch. He wondered vaguely why he hadn’t gone up to Jared’s bedroom where he normally slept, and then, as an afterthought, he wondered where the hell Sadie was.

 

Careful not to run into furniture, Jared walked out of the room, and headed for his own bedroom. What he saw in the hall made him stop.

 

Sadie was sitting in front of the door to Jensen’s bedroom. She wasn’t sleeping or sitting there waiting for Jared; her body was tensed and her eyes focused on the door. When she heard Jared, she gave him a quick look, before her head turned to the door again.

 

“What ... .” In two steps, Jared was at it and he knocked; once, twice, three times. Then he cleared his throat and said, loud enough for Jensen to hear, but without shouting, “Jen, are you okay?”

 

Only waiting a heartbeat for an answer that didn’t come, he added, “Alright, I’m coming in.”

 

The door cracked silently as Jared opened it and at first he couldn’t make out anything in the dark room. Taking a few steps in, he eventually saw Jensen in his bed.

 

Not sleeping, but shaking and his teeth chattering.

 

“Shit, shit!” Jared got to his friend, switched on the bedside lamp and took a look at him.

 

Jensen’s face was pale and covered with sweat and his eyes clouded when they tried to focus on him. Jared tried to touch the other man’s forehead, but as soon as Jensen saw the touch coming, he jerked away.

 

“Fuck, Jen, let me help you,” Jared almost growled.

 

But Jensen still moved away from him and shook his head.

 

“Jen, it’s either me or the hospital, your choice.”

 

Jared had had enough. He could already feel the anger rising in him, replacing the fear he had for his friend. It was in the middle of the goddamn night and they had a couple of tough weeks behind them and although Jensen clearly never liked being the focus of attention, he had always let somebody help him when he really needed it.

 

 

“’kay,” was Jensen’s answer after a long time of the two of them glaring at each other.

 

“Damn it,” Jared swore under his breath as soon as he had felt the other man’s forehead. Jensen was burning up and the fever was maybe high enough that he had to take Jensen to the hospital anyway.

 

“Don’t move,” Jared ordered and quickly ran out of the room, up the stairs to his bedroom. He found the thermometer somewhere in a box behind clothes in his drawer and, searching through the box once more, he decided to take the whole thing with him, since it was filled with a lot of different medication his mother had bought him a while ago.

 

Coming back to Jensen’s room, Sadie was now curled up on the floor and gave Jared an almost curious look. “You’re the best dog ever,” Jared whispered as he walked by her and then he was at Jensen’s side again.

 

“Okay, dude, need to check your temperature.” Jared didn’t wait for permission. He just put the thermometer in Jensen’s mouth and sat down to wait.

 

It wasn’t the first time for him to be sitting on the floor next to a bed and taking care of someone sick with the flu – he came from a big family after all – but normally it was his sister or even one time Chad (who would totally deny it if someone asked him), but this time, with Jensen, it felt different.

 

And Jared didn’t know why.

 

 

Jensen wasn’t saying anything at all. All Jared could hear was the sound the air made when it passed Jensen’s lips through the chattering teeth. His friend had a desperate grip on the bedcover, seeking some warmth, and it was only for the fact that he wanted to help him, that Jared reached for Jensen’s arm under the cover and started to rub it gently.

 

Jensen jerked away as though Jared had just punched him, and if it hadn’t been for the beeping sound of the thermometer, Jared wouldn’t have been able to suppress the stinging ache that Jensen’s reaction had caused.

 

 

“Thank god.”

 

Jared put the thermometer back into the box. Jensen’s temperature was high but not so much that Jared had to call an ambulance.

 

Okay. Next step.

 

“Come on, get up, Jen.” He carefully pulled Jensen’s cover aside and reached for his friend.

 

“What are you doin’?” Jensen batted Jared’s hands away and frowned at him.

 

“I need to change your sheets, okay? You’re sweating so much they’re wet, man. You can’t sleep in them.”

 

Jared had never used his height and weight as an advantage with Jensen, but since the other man was still struggling against Jared’s help, this time he did.

 

“Come on.”

 

Completely ignoring any protest, Jared pulled Jensen off the bed and half dragged, half carried him, into the armchair on the other side of the room. He draped a blanket around the shivering man that he had found in the living room and just needed two attempts to force Jensen to swallow some pills that would ease down the fever. Inwardly, he thanked his mother for buying all this stuff and he had made sure to check the sell-by date before giving it to Jensen. Twice.

 

 

It didn’t take very long to change the sheets on Jensen’s bed, and by the time Jared was done, the medication seemed to have kicked in. Jensen was silent on the armchair now, his eyes more clouded and tired, but he wasn’t shaking anymore and when Jared checked for the temperature again, he could tell that it was going down already.

 

“Come on, back to bed.”

 

Jared had thought about changing Jensen’s clothes as well, but there was friendship, and then there was stripping off your best friend and putting on new clothes when he was sick and defenseless. And the last time he’d checked, he wasn’t Jensen’s mother, and he had no idea if that would have been more awkward for him or Jensen the next day, so he settled for manhandling Jensen back to bed and rubbing the sweat off of his face and neck with a washcloth.

 

“Feel better?” Jared was a little concerned because Jensen hadn’t said a word since Jared had given him the medication. But shiny green eyes focused on him now and Jensen was nodding in response.

 

“Thank you,” came Jensen’s raspy voice. Jared smiled encouragingly and rubbed Jensen’s arm once more out of instinct.

 

“This is what you signed up for when you moved in with me, buddy. I have to take care of you when you get sick, there’s no one else around to do the job.” Jared’s voice was gentle and he moved a little closer when he felt that Jensen was not pulling back this time.

 

“Look, I’ll leave you some water and pills here, okay?” He pointed at the bedside table with his hand. “You’ve got your cell phone, right? If you’re feeling worse, you call, got it? I’ll be right upstairs.”

 

Just when Jensen nodded for the second time, Jared noticed that his right hand had wandered without his conscious permission, and was stroking through Jensen’s hair now. His face blushing, he pulled back.

 

God, he was such a girl. Always had to touch people, and Jensen had told him more than once, that it creeped him out sometimes.

 

But Jared just couldn’t help himself. It had always felt good when his mother had caressed his forehead or cheek and it felt just so natural, to do the same for Jensen, when he was sick.

 

But right in the same movement when Jared pulled back, Jensen’s hand came from under the cover and grabbed Jared’s wrist. With more strength than he should have had right now, Jensen pulled Jared closer and pressed Jared’s hand to his heart.

 

“Don’t ... want ... you leave ... go.”

 

Okay, touchy-feely Jensen was something new. Even if he was sick and confused.

 

“Jen? What? What are you saying?”

 

Jensen’s eyes looked sad and desperate and hurt and Jared couldn’t tell if it was just the fever talking.

 

“Don’t ... leave.”

 

“Jen, I’m not leaving. I’m right here, okay buddy?” Jared didn’t know what to say, how to reassure the other man when he still didn’t understand what he was talking about.

 

And seeing Jensen like this, curled up in his bed, holding on to Jared’s hand and just looking so fucking vulnerable, made something sting in his chest. It hurt.

 

“Jensen, what’s wrong? I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. I’m here. I’ll always be.” Jared used the gentlest voice he was capable of. “I live here, too, you know? I’ll be right upstairs. You can call or shout, or, hell, throw something across the room and I’ll be here in no time, okay?” The firm grip on his hand had loosened a little and Jared could see that Jensen was drifting into sleep.

 

“I ... don’t want ... to leave you,” Jensen mumbled, “I don’t ... wanna go.”

 

And Jared asked himself if he understood it right this time, or if Jensen started talking nonsense now.

Watching Jensen fall asleep with his brows curled up in a frown even as his breathing had started to be deep and even, Jared swore to himself that he was going to call Jensen’s mom first thing in the morning. If Jensen didn’t want to talk to him, fine, maybe Donna would.

 

 

~*~*~“And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me”~*~*~

 

 

Jensen moved carefully through the kitchen the next day, looking for something he could manage to eat. He didn’t feel nauseous anymore but still a little dizzy so he didn’t want to take a chance to end in front of the toilet again.

 

I’m not leaving you. I’m here. I’ll always be.

 

Jensen reached for the kitchen table to steady himself when his body started to rebel against his emotions.

 

His body had always worked like that. Every strong emotion always caused an immediate physical response. It was a blessing while acting. He could make his whole body tremble, the tears flow and his voice shake just with concentrating on the right emotion. But this time, with emotions strong and real like this, his body was suffering with him.

 

I’m not leaving you. I’m here. I’ll always be.

 

Jared was wrong.

 

He might have meant something different the previous night with these words but Jensen knew that if he asked him, he would mean them in every possible way. Because Jared was like that; he thought like that and Jensen knew that Jared loved him with all his heart; like he loved all of his friends, like he could even love Chad. And if Jensen asked him, his friend would swear that these words were true because Jared couldn’t even think of something that could tear them apart.

 

But there was something. There was.

 

 

First thing in the morning turned out to be around one o’clock in the early afternoon. Waking up in the middle of the night and taking care of your feverish co-star and listening to his half-conscious talking had Jared lying awake until seven in the morning before he finally fell asleep.

 

I don’t wanna leave you. I don’t wanna go.

 

Those words couldn’t possibly mean something, right? It was just rambling, nothing to take seriously. Right?

 

But still, the words echoed in his head even now as he got out of bed and heard Jensen walking around in the kitchen downstairs, and Jared wondered how Jensen could be okay enough to walk through the house when he had been seriously sick just hours ago.

 

He had seemed so desperate, so sad. He had sounded almost broken.

 

Suddenly a shiver ran through Jared’s body. Something akin to fear started slowly rising in his chest. He could feel the heat and sweat beading on his neck. The beating of his heart grew faster and louder in his ears, and his thoughts were racing through his mind.

 

It was like his subconscious had already come to a conclusion, like it knew something his conscious mind hadn’t yet realized. Something big. Something bad.

 

What if Jensen wasn’t really just sick with the flu? What if the vomiting and the fever had been a ... psychological response to something? Something someone had told him on the phone? And if it wasn’t about his dad ... And he had been in shock, when Jared came home. ... And now he talked about leaving. ... About not wanting to. ... OH GOD.

 

A panicked sound, like a high choking shriek, escaped his throat as Jared stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen.

 

NoNoPleaseNoPleasePleaseNo

 

Jared barely registered the startled expression on Jensen’s face before he reached his friend and his arms flew around him, pulling him in so tight and fast that Jensen was gasping for air.

 

“You don’t die, you can’t die, please tell me that’s not it, please tell me that’s not what this is about, you’re not dying, no, no, please, oh God, please, please, no.”

 

Jared was sobbing for real now, couldn’t remember when he started; couldn’t remember the point were he had just snapped and freaked out like this. But his tears were falling freely and dampening the shirt where Jared pressed his head against Jensen’s neck.

 

But, finally, Jensen was responding and he returned the hug. He started to rub one hand across Jared’s back and the other hand stroked softly through his hair.

 

“I’m not dying. I’m not sick like that. I won’t die, Jared.” His voice was low and reassuring and had not even a hint of amusement. He wasn’t making fun of Jared now, for thinking something like this, for crashing into him without warning in their kitchen with only his sweatpants on. Not when Jared clung to him like that, not when he was breaking apart in his arms.

 

Later that would be one point Jared would add to all the things that were so amazing about Jensen.

 

But now, Jared needed some time until the words broke through his sobs and the sheer panic pumping in his ears. So Jensen kept on talking until he finally reached his friend.

 

“I’m not dying, Jay. That’s not it, I swear, that’s not it. I’m not dying. I’m not. Not now, not soon. Everything is okay, Jay, everything’s all right. Calm down, Jay. I’m not dying, I’m not, I swear.”

 

Soon enough, Jared’s panicked sobs turned into relieved ones and then, eventually, they died down completely and the two men pulled apart slowly.

 

“You okay again?”

 

Jared took a shuddered breath but he nodded. “Sorry,” he mumbled and glanced down at his friend.

 

 

Jensen looked okay. His face still didn’t have the right color, and his eyes were still a little shiny, but apart from that and the concerned look on his face, he seemed to be all right.

 

“How’re you feeling?” Jared asked and let himself slide down onto a kitchen chair, releasing some last shaky breaths before he concentrated on breathing normally.

 

Jensen shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Fever’s down and I don’t feel nauseous anymore. Had to just be a 24-hour flu or something.”

 

Jared nodded and palmed his face, still trying to ease his body down from the adrenaline rush.

 

“So,” Jensen started. “Why did you think I was dying? Bad dream? ”

 

Jared groaned in embarrassment. “Because of last night. And the things you said.”

 

The questioning look on Jensen’s face told him that he still didn’t understand.

 

“You were in shock when I came home. And then you ... and the fever and everything. And you said you didn’t want to leave, that you didn’t want to go. First I thought it was just some rambling, you know? I mean you had a fever and you were on meds. But then I had the thought that what if ... .” He swallowed heavily, trying to say it out loud. “What if someone had called you and told you that you had a terrible disease or something. That you would die soon.”

 

Jared sighed and smiled a crooked smile. “Sorry. It kinda made sense in my head. And it was a damn long night.”

 

Jensen shook his head. “’s okay. I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry that I scared you so much.”

 

They looked at each other, concern, worry and exhaustion on both their faces, until Jared spread into a wide grin. “One hell of a morning, huh?”

 

Jensen quirked an eyebrow and returned the smile. “You’re tellin’ me?”

 

“So, what’s for breakfast?” Jared left his chair and walked over to Jensen, looking expectantly at the contents of the bowl in front of him. “Cornflakes?” he asked him.

 

Jensen just shrugged. “Don’t feel much like eating. If you don't want any, then find something else.” He took his bowl and shoved himself past Jared, aiming for the kitchen table.

 

“Okay,” Jared pouted mockingly. They had settled into the routine of having a big breakfast every Sunday morning since they moved in together, but he figured he wouldn’t have much of an appetite either after the night Jensen had just had.

 

 

“So, why did you say it?” Jared turned around and glanced at Jensen. “Why did you say that you didn’t want to go?”

 

Jensen looked startled, his hand frozen in midair as he reached for the spoon.

 

“I mean, you must have had a reason, right? You don’t say stuff like that without a reason.” Jared took a deep breath and then, knowing if there was something up with his friend, that it would be hard to get him talking, he added, “Man, you got me really scared, Jen. Tell me what’s up?”

 

Jensen just stared. And then blushed. “Man, I had a really bad fever. I don’t have any idea what I was talking about. Maybe I was dreaming something bad? I don’t know, Jay. Didn’t mean anything.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“Yeah, I promise. Why would I have to leave?”

 

 

Right then, Jared believed him. But days later, when Jensen actually had left, he would remember this moment. He would remember the blush on Jensen’s face and that it hadn’t been a blush which said, ‘oh my god, I say embarrassing things when I’m sick’ but that his face had actually said something more like, ‘oh, my god, he can’t know. I shouldn’t have said that.’ And he would remember this moment as the first time Jensen had lied to his face.

 

 

to be continued...