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The streets were lonely and dark, illuminated only by the half moon hanging in the darkened sky, silent and white. Jensen's feet pounded the pavement as he ran towards his apartment building. Ran as hard as he had ever run, faster than he had run when the imaginary hell hounds were chasing Dean in his dream. The sounds of his scuffed boots pounding the pavement echoed loudly in his head and ears, deafening him. His breath, harsh and raspy, competed for dominance with the heavy sound of his footfall. The battle, somehow out of his control, made him feel light-headed and dizzy. But Jensen ran onwards blindly ignoring everything, his breathing, the sounds around him, the uneven pavement and even the darkness.
Turning sharply to the right, Jensen shoved the glass door of his apartment building open with both hands and rushed into the safety, not even waiting to check if the door swung closed behind him. Panting hard, Jensen paused at the bottom of the stairs. He bent slightly at the waist, his hands on his knees as he huffed, blowing out breath after breath, trying desperately to calm his ragged breathing. His heart hammered in his chest, reminding him that he had just run fifteen blocks. Jensen caught his reflection in one of the mirrored pictures that hung in the foyer of the building. His hair was sticking up wildly and his face was bright red from his exertion. Jensen sighed turning away from the sight. Sweat cooled on his heated skin and he felt like his whole body was going to explode with the effort of running non-stop from Jared's house.
Jensen panted to himself forcing his legs onwards somehow finding the energy to take the stairs two at a time, ignoring the elevator. Jensen knew it was stupid but he felt panicked and frightened. His legs felt like lead but he forced himself onwards using the bannisters to haul himself upwards suddenly wishing that he had used the elevator. Hitting the third floor landing, Jensen ran along the hallway to his door. "Keys. Keys," he muttered to himself as he desperately searched his pockets eventually finding them stuffed into the depths of his jacket pocket. Jensen fumbled with the lock dropping his keys a couple of times before, with a final curse, the door swung open and he burst into his apartment slamming the door behind. "Get a grip Ackles," he chastised himself as he leaned against the door holding it closed with his weight desperately trying to compose himself, the sound of his harsh breathing echoing around the silent apartment.
The feeling of unrestrained panic gripped him again and Jensen turned ramming home all the bolts one by one, locking himself away from the outside world... and Jared. Jensen didn't bother to turn on the light preferring the company of the darkness although the light from the street insisted on bathing the tiny apartment in a warm yellowish glow and Jensen couldn't be bothered to turn the blinds.
The rush of adrenaline suddenly left his body and Jensen slid slowly down the door to the floor. He knelt for a moment, letting the calm of the apartment wash over him waiting for his breathing to even out. Taking deep breaths, Jensen leaned his head and arms against the door letting the solidity of the wood support him. Once he felt calm enough, Jensen shifted and flopped down to the floor, knees bent and back against the door. He wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his head on his knees. "You suck Ackles," he thought angrily to himself. "Someone should kick you in the head for what you just said. Idiot," he lifted his head up and gazed at the opposite wall distractedly for what seemed like ages deciding that he hated the picture hanging there. He could feel tears threatening but forced them away determined not to cry like a girl. They came anyway and he swiped at them with his sleeve.
Finally hauling himself to his feet, Jensen shuffled into the small kitchen. Standing in the middle of the room he looked around in a daze not sure why he was even there. Jensen frowned. He wasn't hungry or thirsty. As he turned to leave, his foot kicked a metal bowl. Jensen stood staring mesmerised as the bowl spun across the tiles bouncing off the bottom of one of the cupboards, eventually coming to a halt by the oven. He watched it spin noisily to a stop. Sadie's bowl. He shifted his gaze and spied Harley's bowl in the corner of the room. Jensen could feel tears well up again and he wiped at them furious with himself.
Jensen found himself in the living room and he started to pace, his thoughts and feelings bouncing around in his head as he circled the room. "Music," he mumbled to himself heading towards his CD player. Music always soothed him, calmed him and allowed him to think clearly. His hand hovered over the on switch as a memory of Jared and him dancing by candlelight leapt uninvited into his head. They had giggled at each other accusing the other of being all girly but it hadn't stopped them swaying and moving against each other, enjoying the closeness, lost in the soft melodies playing. Jensen pulled his hand away as though he had been burned backing away from the CD player, the memories of romantic evenings with Jared stealing away his usual refuge of losing himself in his music.
Jensen backed away from the CD player heading towards the bedroom but all he could think of was the wonderful nights he had spent with Jared in his bed making love. Jensen stopped mid-stride and retreated into the centre of the room again. Jensen glanced around shivering, the whole apartment reminding him of Jared and their time together. From the latest book Jared had been reading at the weekend to the jar of brightly coloured candy on the coffee table to the dogs' bowls in the kitchen to Jared's blue jacket hung over the armchair. Jensen shivered again. His whole apartment screamed Jared, had somehow become a minefield of memories.Jensen hugged himself tightly not knowing what to do. He felt trapped in his own apartment. Even when he wasn't there, Jared surrounded him enveloping in his warmth, his energy and his very being. The silence in the apartment was deafening and Jensen had the urge to cover his ears. Denied the sanctuary of his music, Jensen started to pace up and down, arms wrapped around his body, his mind overflowing with thoughts of Jared.
Jared was free. Jensen was free. They were both free of relationships and finally after a few more months of dancing around one another and their feelings, they had finally admitted to being in love with each other, discovering that they had both been afraid that the other would be disgusted or horrified. The last three months had been wonderful and spent getting to know each other as something more than best friends. As lovers. Jensen snorted to himself. Courting Jared had teased with a huge grin on his face, but it had been everything that Jensen had ever dreamed it was going to be and so very much more. They had taken long walks with the dogs, spent every minute together, breaks from filming, weekends, days off. They had gone to movies, eaten dinner together, danced for hours to soft music, kissed and cuddled like a couple of lovesick teenagers and made slow and sensual love to each other. Jared brightened his days, making even the dullest day bright and shiny as he talked a mile a minute and bounced like a five year who had eaten too much candy. Quite simply, Jared made him feel alive.
It had been the best and happiest three months of his life and now it was over. Jensen had managed to spoil the best thing that had ever happened to him with three little words. "I love you."
And now the words haunted him with their enormity. Words so small but so powerful and overwhelming. Neither of them had ever spoken them aloud, had probably even been avoiding saying them. They had unconsciously, Jensen supposed, ignored saying the words probably both afraid of being caught in something they weren't ready for. Love seemed to be a taboo subject that they dodged having both been burned in past relationships. Love was there, had always been there, in the room with them, large and all encompassing surrounding them like a favourite warm blanket. Love teased them, daring them to take the leap of faith towards each other. Jensen knew that he loved and wanted Jared. The three little words had been on the tip of his tongue for so long. He had been trying to pluck up courage and find the right time to say the words he longed to say to Jared. But now all Jensen wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die slowly. He'd lost Jared's love and probably his friendship, and all because Jensen couldn't keep his mouth shut.
The three little words and eight tiny letters haunted him, tormenting him as they ricocheted around his head like a loose bullet. Jensen felt like his head was going to explode and hugged himself again trying to stop the ache that was spreading across and inside his chest. He couldn't help himself, his mind wanting to torture him some more, as he began to replay the evening in his head as he continued to pace up and down.
In retrospect, Jensen should have known it would be a recipe for disaster. They had spent the day teasing and lightly flirting with each other when they were alone and between takes. At lunch-time, they had made out like lovesick teenagers in his trailer completely forgetting about eating. They had finished filming early and had taken pizza back to Jared's house. Jared who liked to have sound and movement surrounding him had automatically turned on his CD player while they had been eating. Jared had chosen country music and they had ended up wrapped in one another's arms dancing in Jared's living room swaying in time to the music as they moved backwards and forwards in perfect synchronicity, losing themselves in the music and each other. They no longer teased each other about the dancing just enjoyed the intimacy and closeness it afforded them. Despite his misery, Jensen couldn't help smiling at the memory and he knew that if he closed his eyes he would be able to hear the music and feel Jared's body against his own.
It had been perfect but for some reason Jensen couldn't explain and also knew he couldn't entirely blame the fuzzy warm feeling he had from drinking two glasses of red wine, his mouth had taken on a life of its own and blurted out the three little words - I love you - before he had a chance to let his brain catch up with his traitorous mouth. Jensen scowled to himself. He had made it a rule and always stuck to it religiously, even suffering the teasing from friends for over-thinking stuff. Jensen always thought things through carefully before proceeding but with Jared his heart, without his permission, had taken to ruling his head and his usual common sense.
Jensen remembered feeling his face grow hotter as he watched the colour drain from Jared's face. "You suck," Jensen said out loud. "Couldn't keep your damn mouth shut, could you?" he scolded himself. " Just had to go and make a big deal outta things," Jensen continued to pace the room. "Why in hell's name did you go and open your big mouth?" he slumped down on the couch resting his head in his hands, his eyes closed. Jared was important to him. Jared was his friend, his lover and so much more that he couldn't begin to explain to anyone, even himself.
Jared's face haunted him. Jensen could still see the expression on his face, the lack of colour and the look of total surprise and shock at his words. Even though the music continued to play, a heavy silence seemed to descend over the living room instantly killing the mood. Jensen couldn't bring himself to look at Jared anymore and his head dropped to stare at his feet. Jared, being Jared, had finally started to babble nonsense not seeming able to get a complete sentence out as he blushed bright red right up to the tips of his ears. Jensen's heart, already heavy, had slowly sunk, a familiar lost feeling settling over him.
Fortunately, Jensen had been saved further agony by the bell - the insistent ringing of Jared's cell phone startling both men out of their uneasiness. Jared had excused himself to answer the call and Jensen had collected his jacket and slipped out of the house, running away from his stupidity and the only person he had really ever loved.
Jensen remembered shivering as the cold night air hit him and he had looked around feeling lost and lonely desperately wanting to go back inside, but afraid of what Jared was going to say or do. A sudden unexplained panic gripped him filling him with a fear he couldn't explain. Jensen didn't understand the feelings, didn't even question the feelings. He just ran. He knew that he had to get away, get home so he could put everything right in his mind. Driven on by fear, panic and a deep pain that was settling in his chest, Jensen had started to run, his feet pounding the night streets as the adrenaline surged through his veins giving him the strength to run faster and faster into the darkness.
So here he was. Jensen Ackles. Actor, hopeless romantic and stupid idiot. Sitting in the silence of his apartment, alone again. Jensen sighed to himself. The pain in his chest was a dull ache and his stomach felt all knotted up with a myriad of feelings. Jared had been his chance at happiness and he had blown it with his stupid notions of happy ever after. Jensen felt like he was stuck in the place called somewhere in between. It seemed vaguely familiar and Jensen sighed to himself. He was somewhere in between a dream and reality. The dream was the life he wanted with Jared and his lonely life was the stark reality, the one he always seemed to end up with.
Restless Jensen jumped to his feet. His mind raced. "Everything will be cool," he mumbled. Moving over to the window, he leaned his face against the cool glass staring across the city darkened by night. "Jared," he whispered. "I take it back. Let ... let everything be like it was. Forget... forget what I said." Jensen turned from the window suddenly angry with himself. "Oh yeah. Dumb ass. Like he can hear you," he muttered. "Stupid jerk," he started to pace the floor again wondering what he did wrong every time he tried to love someone.
Jensen glanced at the clock on the shelf. It read midnight and realised that he had been home for half an hour, even though it seemed longer. Jensen knew from past experience that he wouldn't be going to bed, that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. "Another sleepless night coming up," he thought to himself suddenly glad that they had the day off from filming tomorrow. It gave him a whole day to plan his damage control and come up with a plan to salvage their friendship.
Jensen wandered back to the window staring distractedly at the apartment building opposite. He was startled out of his miserable reverie by a loud hammering on his apartment door. Fear gripped him immediately sensing who was on the other side of the door. He should have known that Jared wouldn't leave it alone, that he'd want to talk and prolong the misery for both of them. Jared was so like Sam Winchester sometimes that it was scary. Jensen closed his eyes willing Jared to leave.
"Jensen?" Jared called knocking again.
Jensen edged quietly towards the door. His hand reached out for the first of the many bolts. Clenching his fist, Jensen snatched his hand away. "Go away Jared," he whispered to himself. "Please."
"Jensen?" Jared shouted again. "It's Jared. I know you're in there," Jared knocked again, his hammering getting louder with each rap on the door. "Open the damn door or I swear I'll kick the asshole thing down," he threatened loudly.
Jensen rolled his eyes at the threats. He sighed in defeat knowing that Jared didn't sound like he would be taking no for an answer or leaving any time soon. He grabbed for the first bolt sliding it back noisily. The second and third bolt slid back loudly. "What?" Jensen snapped as he half opened the door vainly hoping that Jared would get the message that he wanted him to go away. He glared for good measure.
Jared raised his eyes slightly ignoring the glare and continuing to stand on the door step bouncing from one foot to the other, his body vibrating with energy and barely concealed anger.
"Wake all the neighbours, why don't you," Jensen snapped unreasonably.
"You're the one yelling," Jared pouted brushing his hair out of his eyes, standing his ground not looking like he was going leave any time soon.
"You're the one banging on my door in the middle of the night," Jensen retorted childishly.
Jared narrowed his eyes at Jensen. "I don't care," he said calmly as he pushed at the door and stepped quickly past Jensen before the door was slammed in his face. Jensen sighed and closed the door watching as Jared moved into the living.
Following behind, Jensen steeled his heart folding his arms defiantly against his chest. "So?" he said challengingly. He kept his distance from Jared, fearful of his churned up feelings desperately afraid that he would rush over to Jared and beg him to forgive him.
Jared whirled on him. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" he asked.
"When?" Jensen tried to feign innocence but failed miserably. Jared narrowed his eyes at Jensen, unusually silent, his gaze seeming to bore right into Jensen's very soul. The stare made Jensen feel uncomfortable and he shifted from foot to foot nervously staring anywhere but at Jared.
"You know when," Jared finally said and Jensen noticed that he was tapping one foot up and down on the floor and the fingers of one hand were waggling and waving about at his side. His free hand fiddled with his hair pushing it out of his eyes every now and again. Even seemingly standing still, Jared was in constant motion, his body thrumming with his energy and life.
Jensen tore his eyes away from Jared and shrugged. "Giving you an out," he said softly, deciding upon honesty.
"An out? An out?" Jared yelled giving Jensen an incredulous "have you gone mad" look. He began to move restlessly around the living room in ever widening circles. "Who said I ever wanted an out?" he turned glaring at Jensen angrily. "And just why would I want an out? Well come on," he snapped impatient. "Tell me because you seem to know everything."
Jensen shrugged again, surprised at Jared's reaction. "Because," he murmured dropping his head staring at his feet, the remainder of his words disappearing into an unintelligible string of mumbles as he kicked distractedly at the carpet.
"Because what?" Jared asked slowly moving forwards, his anger disappearing as quickly as it appeared. "Dude. You're mumbling all over the place. What did you just say?" Sensing Jensen's nervousness, Jared tentatively reached his hand out towards his friend.
"Because," Jensen jerked his head up, green eyes angry. "Because," he shouted shying away from Jared's hand. "Because you hate me now I said... said that I loved you. I saw it in your face man," he accused. "I saw it," he repeated miserably.
"Jensen," Jared stepped closer slowly backing Jensen towards the wall.
Jensen folded his arms across his chest, his expression stubbornly defiant as he stared directly into Jared's eyes. "And I don't care what you think," he said daring Jared to contradict him. "I meant them. Every little word. Every letter of each little word. I meant it. I love you," Jensen enunciated each word in an effort to leave Jared in no doubt how he felt. He jutted his chin out and stared at Jared challengingly.
Jared cocked his head to one side resisting the urge to laugh at Jensen and his stubborn defiance. He'd half expected Jensen to stick his tongue out in a "so there" gesture. Jared smiled to himself thinking that Jensen was so cute when he was determined and defiant. "Jensen," he reached forwards taking Jensen's head in his large hands. Jensen tried to turn his head away but Jared's grip was firm but gentle. "Good," he said softly. "Because I love you Jensen Ross Ackles," he whispered. "And I mean the words too," he released Jensen's head as he leaned forwards into the older man's personal space. He couldn't resist it. "So there," he stuck his tongue out with a cheeky smirk.
"What?" Jensen stammered suddenly unsure of himself again.
Jared smirked at him again. "I love you," he repeated loudly.
Jensen stared at Jared in surprise, his mouth dropping open. "You do?" he managed to force out. Jared nodded smiling slightly. "But... but," Jensen stuttered. "You looked kinda shocked... kinda like I had kicked you in the head or something. Man you went all white and quiet," he paused scrunching up his face in thought trying to come up with a comparison. "Like one of them women in white that Sam and Dean hunt. I thought.... thought," Jensen stopped mid-sentence dropping his head staring at his feet again, the words he wanted to say lost in a wave of confusion.
"You didn't think anybody could love you," Jared finished for him. He knew he was right by the look that crossed Jensen's face.
"May be," Jensen bit at his lip nervously.
Jared growled softly to himself frustrated with Jensen. His friend always came over as confident, self-assured and strong but Jared had learned over the last few months that it was a front, a shield that Jensen used to protect himself. In reality he was a myriad of vulnerabilities that would make Dean Winchester himself proud. He was so like Dean it was scary and not for the first time, Jared knew why he played the part so well. Jensen's own innate character represented the vulnerable side of the older Winchester.
The real Jensen, the one he showed Jared, was warm, funny, full of life in his own quiet way, incredibly sexy and he made Jared feel loved, needed and wanted. Jensen quite simply made him feel whole, completed him. It had caught him by surprise but Jared had surely and slowly grown to love Jensen over the last few months. He cursed himself for never having the courage to tell the older man how he really felt, voice the little words that had been running around his head for months. Jensen had shamed him. Had found the courage to voice the words, say them out loud, and he had acted like a fool babbling like an idiot, frightening Jensen into thinking he didn't care, didn't want or love him.
Just when he was about to grab Jensen and kiss him hard, his cell phone had rung and Jared had taken the opportunity to leave for a few minutes to calm himself down. The call from his mother, of all people, had done the trick and Jared had returned to the living room determined to pick up where Jensen had left off only to find his friend gone. He could have kicked himself, angry that he had acted like a coward, angry that he had needed time to compose himself, and most of all angry that he had let Jensen down. Jared made his mind up in a split second. He hastily threw clothes and other stuff untidily into a suitcase, grabbed the dogs and bundled them into his truck and drove like a madman to Jensen's apartment block. Half an hour later, he was banging on Jensen's door.
Jared nudged Jensen's chin up until he was looking at him again. "Well dude. You are so wrong. I love you. And I want to be with you."
"You do?" Jensen asked softly not able to keep the hope out of his voice.
"Oh yeah," Jared grinned. "But as usual... Jensen Ross Ackles over thought stuff. I hate when you do that," he nodded at Jensen who had the grace to blush. "Didn't wait for me to say anything. Just rushed off like ..... like you were on fire already deciding my answer for me. And that is so not cool." Jared waggled his eyebrows to take the sting out of the words.
"You were babbling and I thought ..... well you know," Jensen protested.
"I thought you could understand Jared-babble," Jared teased.
"I didn't have my phrase book on me," Jensen teased back. He gave Jared a small smile. "Sorry," Jensen mumbled. "But you still looked kinda shocked," he insisted.
"Yeah I admit I was shocked," Jared said. Jensen dropped his head again frowning. "But it was only because I had dreamed of being with you," Jared continued quickly. "I wanted to say it too. Have for a long time. But I was too chicken-shit." Jared grinned again. "And then you said it and it sorta took me by surprise."
"Oh," Jensen said looking back up at Jared.
"Did you mean it?" Jared asked. He had to be sure too.
Jensen nodded vigorously so Jared was in no doubt whatsoever. "Yeah. Oh yeah. I meant it," he nodded again. "I just put two and two together and made five," he shrugged giving Jared a lopsided smile.
"No good at math huh?" Jared teased. "Well let me help you out here. One," he pointed at himself. "And one," he stabbed a finger at Jensen's chest. "Makes two. OK?"
"OK," Jensen nodded. "One," he touched Jared's chest. "And one," he touched his own chest. "Makes two."
"Quick study," Jared grinned happily. "My Mom would be proud. Perhaps I could be a teacher one day when I give up acting," he said moving away from Jensen towards the door. "You get a gold star for being such a good student."
"Hey," Jensen protested with a frown. "Where you going?"
Jared turned smirking at him as he opened the door motioning with his hand. Sadie and Harley bounced into the apartment barking happily. Jensen knelt down and let the dogs lick and bounce around him in greeting. He petted them and whispered in their ears. The dogs then headed straight for the couch where they made themselves comfortable, curled up together.
Jensen stood up watching silently as Jared dragged in a suitcase. He frowned not having noticed the dogs or the suitcase when Jared had stormed into the apartment but then he did have other stuff on his mind at the time. "Where did you hide all the stuff?" Jensen couldn't help asking, his curiosity getting the better of him.
"I am a man of many talents," Jared smirked mysteriously waggling his eyebrows. "Some of which I will show you later."
Jensen rolled his eyes. "So what's with the suitcase?" he asked trying not to think about Jared and his many talents.
"Thought I could kinda keep some more of my stuff over here," Jared said hopefully as he kicked the door shut with his foot. "Until we get ourselves a place together. Or we could live in my house or here," he waved his hand in the air as he dumped the suitcase on the floor. "What do you think?"
In two strides Jensen was across the room. He grabbed the front of Jared's shirt pulling the younger man towards him. "I don't care. Whatever. As long as it's just you, me and the dogs," he whispered as he claimed Jared's lips in a gentle kiss.
"Cool," Jared leaned into the kiss wrapping his arms around Jensen.
Jensen pulled back and looked up at Jared. "I love you," he said. Suddenly the words didn't seem so large and intimidating. They were just three little words that said everything he thought and felt about Jared and so much more.
"I love you," Jared linked their hands together pulling Jensen towards the bedroom. "Now how about I show you some of my many talents?"
"Jared," Jensen laughed.
End