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Big white house, with 4 front windows and a pointed roof. A porch with steps that led up to the front door and even one of those giant bench swings, hanging uselessly in the corner. Unused and tainted. The wooden chairs, bought with good intentions stood where they’d been left, never to be sat in. Another idea, another lost hope. The driveway led to a 2 car garage, though one slot always seemed to be vacant. A motorcycle stood in the shed, taken out only on rare occasions but its owner. The house was like an American dream. Beautiful from the outside, but things never are as they seem. They shared it, even though Jensen couldn’t figure as to why. It’s not like they lived together… maybe they existed together. He was never sure. The house was supposed to make things easier, make them more brotherly, but the only time they were ever close was on set, when they were getting paid.
Jensen sat inside in his overused armchair. His eyes were locked on the TV though his mind wandered elsewhere. This was a normal day… an average night. His beer slipped from his grasp hitting the floor with a thud. The noise startled him, but he didn’t get up. He watched as the bubbling liquid seeped into the ultra absorbent carpet. Oh well, he thought. Just another stain, it just another day… His eyes locked on the screen before him as he noticed a old red-headed woman was attempting to sell him scented doormats.
“What better way to welcome guests into your home than with the vibrant scent of sunflowers and daisies? You won’t be able to keep the neighbors away!” She drabbled on about the product. Unable to find himself caring, he found the remote squished between his thigh and the armrest and flicked the screen off. He sat there until the light faded from the screen and he was left in complete darkness.
Things weren’t meant to be this way. Once upon a time his life seemed to have a purpose. He wasn’t sure where the idea for them to live together came from… as a last effort for them to rekindle their chemistry as on-set brothers. Something like that… Either way it was evidently a failure. Just another failed attempt to save the show from going off the air. To Jensen the end seemed unavoidable, yet Jared had hope. Jared didn’t realize how much really stood in the way. Jensen had bought the house, he got the furniture. He figured that decorating could be like some kind of bonding experience, yet he was left to do it all alone. He did everything alone because Jared was never home.
Disappointment couldn’t come close to how Jensen felt. You couldn’t string together enough adjectives to come up with the proper term.
No one really knew how things had come to this… Jensen had a vague idea. It seemed from the outside that Jared had just decided to detach himself from their once overwhelming friendship. A long time ago you’d walk into a room where the two would be hanging out and a good feeling seemed to be lingering in the air. That quality was like fireworks on camera, but it was a thing of the past. A long time ago Jensen could literally feel his character as if it was his real life, now he was merrily acting with a fellow co-worker. Nothing more than just acting.
His eyes closed, and then opened again before finally seeking rest. Jensen’s mind drifted away while he sat lonely in the living room of an empty house with nothing to do.
Jared drove home after a long night. Visions of girls dancing before his eyes while he drove. He would kiss them and make love to them, never really feeling anything more than what it truly was. Just sex. He longed for something more, but he couldn’t find anyone that set fire to his candle. Inebriated and tired, he had the music blaring to keep his mind on task. He blinked a couple of times, going over the drive home relentlessly in his head. Eyes glued to the road he focused on the speed limit not wanting to be pulled over. If it happened again, he surely wouldn’t be let off the hook. It would be his third DWI charge, as if the first two didn’t do enough damage to his career. But he felt confident in his drunk-driving abilities noting all the other times he’d driven home in this state of mind, yet he’d only got caught twice. As he pulled onto the street his house resided on he let out a sigh of relief. He had made it, nothing could stop him now. He pulled into the driveway, not bothering to park in the garage, he was too lazy, wanting nothing more than to crawl into his bed and sleep off his dizziness. He climbed the front porch steps opening the screen door. The front door was unlocked, as Jensen always left it for him. He walked inside and let the door slam behind him. He couldn’t care less about the sleeping body that lay sprawled in the other room.
Holding onto the doorknob for balance, Jared kicked off his shoes. He wriggled his nose before he brought his hand up to itch it the old saying coming into his mind.
“An itchy nose means someone is thinkin’ about you tonight…”
A childish smirk found itself upon his lips while he made his way further inside. He thought about the many girls he had met tonight, hoping that it was one of them.
Walking inside he almost missed his friend who slept uncomfortably on the couch. At first the sight startled him as he noticed the knocked over bottle of beer. He picked it up and placed it on a table. He looked up at Jensen through his tired eyes. He felt some emotions, but he wouldn’t drown in them. He pushed them away like he always did, yet his eyes still lingered.
The dark circles around Jensen’s eyes were a curious sight. He turned on a lamp in the corner of the room and watched as the light hit some parts of Jensen’s, other imperfections disappearing. There was a mark on his face, right under his eye. Jared visibly flinched looking at it.
Shame… guilt. He remembered that day. He knew Jensen remembered it too. But they never talked about it… it didn’t exist.
He looked down at his hand finding the exact ring that put that mark there. Using his thumb and the index finger of his other hand, the ring slipped off his finger and hit the floor. It didn’t make a noise, yet Jensen’s face body began to move.
Jared slipped out of the room, climbing the stairs feeling suddenly sober. You know the sensation… He stripped off his clothes and fell into his bed. Pulling the sheet and comforters over him, his head found his pillow while he scanned the ceiling. He heard Jensen’s footsteps coming heavy up the stairs. Each step creaked until they stopped. Jared waiting anxiously as he knew Jensen was right outside his door. For a moment he thought he might enter. He wondered what he’d do.
The footsteps continued… Jared couldn’t tell if he was hurt or relieved.
The sun rose welcoming the new day. Beams of rich golden light flooding through the curtains barely fending off Mother Nature’s calls for all to wake up. Jensen rolled over on his side looking at his alarm clock with a long stretched out moan.
8:47… Too early to function, he thought squeezing his eyes shut to numb himself back to sleep. It didn’t work, he knew once he was awake, he was awake. Still, that wouldn’t stop him from trying. He didn’t want to go downstairs; he knew Jared would already be awake. If not worshiping the porcelain God, then surely he’d be in the kitchen willing away his hangover with a scalding hot cup of coffee. Jensen knew how Jared was; he’d waste more time sipping on his drink, burning his lips than he did actually drinking it. One of the man’s little quirks. He had many…
He heard the bathroom door slam down the hall as Jared proceeded past his room, to his own. He smirked, finding humor in the fact that Jared was puking. It meant that he was in pain, and maybe he deserved it. Jensen thought he did. Giving into the fact that he would not fall back to sleep, he swung his legs over the side of his bed, steadying his head by placing a hand on it, assuring himself that the room was in fact, not spinning. He rubbed his eyes with his fingers, trailing them through his hair with a yawn. His body stretched out, arms aimlessly in the air until he finally relaxed. He saw some pajama bottoms on the floor and picking them up lazily, put them on not bothering with a shirt.
He left his room walking down the hallway to the bathroom Jared was just in. Moving to the toilet he did his business, washing his hands and bringing some water up to face. He looked at himself in the mirror, scowling and quickly moving away. He didn’t like looking at himself…he didn’t look like how he used to and that bothered him. He looked old… he felt old.
He came out of the bathroom just as Jared closed his bedroom door behind him. Their eyes locked for a second before finding extreme interest in the floorboards.
Jensen remembered waking up last night to the sound of the door. He didn’t move, curious as to what Jared might do. He half expected him to walk right by him, and not even notice. He couldn’t tell whether or not it was a good thing that Jared checked on him. He remembered feeling the heat of Jared’s eyes on him once the light was turned on. It made Jensen uneasy. He pretended like he was waking up, and to no one’s surprise Jared fled.
As Jensen stood up from his chair he noticed the ring on the floor. What the hell is this supposed to mean? he thought angrily. His fingers touched his face gently as he ran his index finger over the scarred flesh.
“Hey man,” Jared said waiting for Jensen to pass him to follow. “You’re up early,” he commented.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Jensen replied with a shrug. They descended the stairs and both walked into the kitchen. Jared made a pit stop in the living room, but Jensen didn’t wait. Arriving in the kitchen he opened the fridge, taking out the container of apple juice. He poured himself a glass replacing the container back in its spot. He watched Jared walk over to the coffee pot, his ring adorning his finger once gain. Jensen tried to keep his eyes off of it, but it was hard.
It didn’t matter anymore. Don’t think about it. It doesn’t matter. He knew it was useless to attempt to convince himself on this matter. Denial? Certainly. They both were even if they wouldn’t admit it.
The silence was awkward, both could feel it. Tension high… a conversation was out of the question. There was nothing to talk about. At least Jensen thought so.
“Did anyone call last night?” The worlds prickle the airy silence.
“No,” Jensen replies dully fixing himself some toast.
“Make some for me?” Jared asks pouring water into the coffee machine.
“Sure…” He was gonna make some for him anyway.
“Y’know I was thinkin’,” Jared began. He does that? Jensen chuckled in his head.
“Maybe me and you go out and see a movie. That old theater downtown plays old horror movies from the 80’s. That could be fun…”
Jensen looked at Jared’s profile, the other man refusing to take his eyes off of the coffee pot.
“I don’t know,” he took a sip of his juice sorting through a cabinet for the butter.
“Come on, we haven’t done anything together in a long ass time,” Jared begged.
“I wonder why,” mumbled Jensen.
“Huh?” Now Jared was the one trying to catch his friend stare.
“Nothing… I. Maybe some other time,” he decided.
Dejected? Definitely. Jared was never turned down. The fact that Jensen seemed to be brushing him off made his stomach uneasy again. He rubbed his bare chest absentmindedly furrowing his brow. What was up with Jensen? He usual jumps at the opportunity to hang with me, he thought. Even after the incident…
He tapped his fingers on the counter impatiently glaring at his ring. It surprised him to see it lying right where he dropped it. He thought for sure Jensen would have thrown it out, especially after… No, no… He wasn’t going to think about that. He wasn’t in the right state of mind at the time. He was brainwashed by his stupid feelings. Stupid emotions. It was Jensen fault anyway, he pushed me to far.
The ding of the toaster made both men jump, as they were lost in thought. They laughed heartlessly. Jared contemplated making some kind of crude sarcastic remark just for kicks but for the first time he realized that maybe that wasn’t exactly in the best position to do those things. They didn’t joke around like they used to. His head was swimming, yet it was manageable. He had to stop thinking about Jensen. It only made his head hurt worse. Hangovers were never fun.
Finally, the coffee finished. Jared pulled two clean mugs from the sink, shaking them to rid them of water. Jensen buttered their toast no word being said. Jared knew any conversation would be forced, but he couldn’t stand this silence.
“Last night was fun, you should come out with me sometime,” Jared offered.
“You know that’s not my scene,” Jen shrugged.
“Yeah, but it could still be fun, something different.” Jared wouldn’t give up. He really wanted to do something with his old friend. Old friend. They really weren’t that close anymore now where they? No, of course they were still friends. They were still close… Sure things weren’t like they used to be but they still lived together and ate breakfast together. Then again, they didn’t do much more than that. Here they were on their off-season living together and this was their biggest conversation. It’s not my fault, he convinced himself this time succeeding to fall into his realm of ignorance. But he liked it there. Nothing could hurt him here.
“You know, we don’t have to do anything. I don’t really care…”
He grabbed his toast and coffee leaving Jensen on the counter and went to sit on the couch. Right before he turned on the TV he heard Jensen mumble. Ignore it, he scolded himself. As Jenson passed him to go up the stairs he kept his eyes trained before him, his friend’s words floating somewhere in his mind.
“I didn’t want anything with you anyway.
Sick of it. Jensen was totally sick of it. He stomped upstairs slamming his bedroom door behind him. This whole situation made him want to explode. Pent up frustrations and anger seeping through his pores; he stared around at his room finding the walls confining him dangerously close. He let out a long malicious scream of inner pain. There was so much inside of him, so many emotions he was dying to express. He needed to get it out. He grabbed the closest thing to him, hurtling it towards the white walls. The object shattered into pieces and the realization of what it was hit him hard. No, he didn’t just do that. He ran towards the wall crouching down before the pieces helplessly. Tears welled in his eyes at the site of the glass elephant his mother made him sat shared before him on the floor; shattered. It would have been a stupid thing to cry over if his mother hadn’t died a little over a year ago. He felt pathetic as tears slipped from the corners of his eyes. Every boy loves his Momma and Jensen was no exception. He’d always wondered if things would be different if she was alive. He knew they would be. They’d be better. Easier. It was around that time everything changed. He picked up the head of the stupid elephant cradling it in his hands. A feather that had been encased into the object was sticking out. It was a green feather with blue circles on it.
There was a light knock on the door. “Jensen?” came Jared’s sheepish voice. “Jen…” the nickname sounded foreign coming from his voice. “Is everything okay?”
Shaking his head to no one, Jensen let out a little whimper. He fell on his ass still holding the elephants head. When she died, Jensen had stayed at Jared’s penthouse for weeks. Jared helped his through every step of coping. Jared held him while he cried. He’d run his fingers through Jensen hair. It was only natural for their feelings for each other to evolve. Or so Jensen thought. But he was wrong…
“Jay… I,” leaning into his touch he knew Jared must feel this too. How could he possibly not, the feeling was so strong in his heart. He dug his head into the taller mans chest letting the scent fill him up. He smiled to himself. He was so thankful to have someone like Jared in his life. Seeing as he normally thought of himself as straight, the realization came as a surprise. But he embraced it. “Do you think there could ever be an ‘us’?” He put his heart out on the line, vulnerability taking over his mind. But he was positive Jared felt the same way. How could he not? Feelings like this had to be mutual.
“Us?” Jared questioned shifting his body.
“Like me and you be together,” Jensen stayed leaning on Jared’s chest. If he knew the events to follow he would have never spoke his mind. He felt himself being pushed off Jared’s bed to the floor.
“Do you….think I’m a fag?” Jensen fell on his back. He used his arms to sit himself up. Confused and hurt he stared at Jared with fearful eyes.
“Wha- I. I just thought that-”
“Thought what? I’m just helping you out Jensen. I’m just comforting you. How could you possibly think I was gay?” The disgust lacing each of Jared’s words was another stab at Jensen heart. Jensen stood up but so did Jared. He got in Jensen face, eyes clouded with rage.
“You disgust me,” he spoke looking dead into Jensen scared eyes.
The ring was on Jared’s left hand. A stupid present Jensen had bought him back when they first met. Just a quirky little ring bought at some street vender when the boys were out ‘bonding’ for the show. The punch was thrown, a hard jab right to Jensen face. As he fell to the floor once again, his hands flew to his face. There was blood, lots of it to go around. A cry of pain escaped his lips. His breathing rabid, Jensen curled into a ball, writhing in pain.
Obviously Jared came to his senses and brought Jensen to the hospital. Things were never to be the same from that moment on though. Jared played it off like it never happened. Hopelessly, Jensen followed his lead.
“Oh god,” Jared breathed. The site of Jensen sitting on the ground surrounded by shattered glass and in tears affected him. And that surprised him. His instincts reacting before his head, he was on the ground pulling the other man into his own shirtless body. Jensen shook him off with ease, climbing away, still nursing the elephants head in his shaking hands. His whole body trembling with tears.
Once Jared realized what it was, broken in pieces on the ground his brain froze. He stared dumbfounded at the body of the glass elephant. Jensen mother used to make these glass ornaments, the last thing she put together was this elephant. It was her favorite animal and she spent weeks putting it together. Right before she died, she gave it to Jensen and Jared knew how much he cherished it. He had a vague idea of what happened to it. He looked down shamefully. This was his fault.
It was obvious how close Jensen was to his mother… when she died Jared was there for him willing to fulfill any request. Jensen didn’t ask for much. He just wanted someone to be there for him. To keep an eye out for him. To occasionally make him happy. And Jared was all those things at first. Until…
He looked up at Jensen. He watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and off his chin. He sat leaned against the wall, not even bothering to shield Jared from seeing him cry. In all honesty, at this moment, there were more important things to worry about.
Jared’s heart broke again and again as he thought back on these past few years. His heart felt for Jensen like it couldn’t for anyone else. It wouldn’t for anyone else. It scared him. The idea that a guy could make him feel this way shot fear through his mind. He was taught from a young age that homosexuality was an immorality. That it was frowned upon… and that it made you weak. It was so easy to believe that until Jensen came along. The chemistry they felt pulled them together like magnets. Jared knew he’d never feel like this for anyone else. He couldn’t keep convincing himself otherwise. It was useless to try.
Crawling forward, Jared sat in front of the broken man. Jensen was shaking his head running his thumb along the trunk of the glass piece. He reached a hand forward, and Jensen coiled back. Their eyes connected. Jensen tried his best to relax. He looked down at his hands shamefully. How did they come to this?
Jared retracted his hand only for a moment at Jensen first reaction. Once Jensen looked back down at the elephant head, Jared hand touched his face.
“Look at me.” This was not a request, this was an order and Jensen quickly obeyed. He felt Jared’s thumb run along the scar that was under eye. He watched the pain filled expression appear on Jared’s face. “I’m sorry,” Jared said. Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’m sorry for everything.” They kept their eyes locked neither willing to look away; both were afraid of what would happen if this moment ended too soon. Jensen could tell the apology was true. He could just tell…
Jared left his hand on Jensen face, smiling when Jen leaned into his touch. His thumb rubbed along Jensen bottom lip and he knew what he needed to do. And better yet, he wanted to do it. He’d do anything for Jensen and acknowledging this desire gave him this confidence. He stopped caring so much about what his conscious was saying, and just went with what was in his heart.
Love.
Jared moved closer to Jensen. “We can probably fix that you know. We can do it right now,” he whispered. Preoccupied with the idea of what would happen in the seconds to come, Jensen placed the head tenderly on the floor next to him. Jared advanced on him, and he moved in too. They were both leaning forward, inches apart, head tilted to opposite sides, eyes closed. When their lips came together, they fit like a puzzle. It was such an innocent kiss. Lips on lips until they simultaneously deepened the kiss; tongues sliding out to say hello.
Jensen pulled away first… yet he kept his eyes closed. Jared’s eyes scanned the man before him. He’s beautiful.
“Jay, is this real?” Jensen asked but he couldn’t help it. He was afraid it was just another dream. A scenario of his imagination.
“Jen, look at me…”
Jensen opened his eyes slowly unable to express the feelings flowing through him when Jared was actually sitting there. Right in front of him. He felt like a stupid school girl or something and even managed a smile. Jared followed his lead.
“This is real,” he said to Jensen. “It’s real…” he repeated to himself.
On the floor right next to Jensen smashed elephant, the two old friends rekindled their relationship… and more. Their lips met again and again, it was one heated kiss after another. Their shirtless bodies pressed together as Jensen collapsed on top of the taller man. Their legs tangled together and Jared held him there finding the closure he’d been seeking for all these years. Finding the being that made his heart swoon. While Jensen cuddled into his body, Jared looked down at his left hand that rested on the small of Jensen back. He took off the cursed ring, kinda tapping Jen’s back to get him to sit up.
“I don’t want it anymore,” said Jared holding it out to Jen. Jensen looked at it tilting his head.
“But you have to keep it,” replied Jensen.
“No I don’t, I don’t want to remember wha-”
Jensen cut him off. “I don’t want you to forget.”
Eyes connected any questions lingering in the air were answered. It was that simple. They needed each other. They cared for each other. They loved each other. There was nothing more to be said and nothing else to be heard.