Work Text:
The Message
By: Lexalot
Summary: In Dean’s time of denying.
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: If I had anything official to do with them, I would have seen to it that this happened on the show.
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Inspiration: Music – “A Message” by Coldplay; Television – the “Smallville” episode “Mortal”.
Spoilers: Nightmare, In My Time of Dying, Crossroad Blues, Croatoan
Warning: Incest!
Note: Picks up at the end of “Croatoan”; Written for Slashfest, Prompt: Sam/Dean - In 'In My Time of Dying', what John told Dean about Sam is not something that's directly involved the demon. (hint: Sam's feelings for Dean *cough*) [Request by masterofmercury].
***
“What did Dad tell you about me?”
Dean’s heart sank into his stomach.
He had just opened this door. He couldn’t slam it in Sam’s face now.
The truth had been tearing away at him from the inside, desperately fighting to break out. He wanted to be free from the burden of carrying it with him every minute of every day.
Maybe they could outrun this problem, ignore it, or bury it. Go to the Grand Canyon, and pretend Dean was giving Sam what he wanted. But that would never be what he needed.
Sam was pleading, demanding, unraveling. “Dean?”
*~~
“I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay?”
An odd request coming from his Dad. Like telling Dean to remember to breathe.
“You know I will.” This was too strange, and Dean felt warning signals going off in his head, but his brain wasn’t quite up to decoding them yet. His instincts told him something was wrong, but he couldn’t decipher for his life what that was. “You're scaring me.”
“Don't be scared, Dean.”
John leaned over Dean’s shoulder, close to his ear.
~~*
“Dean!” Sam couldn’t take this.
And Dean couldn’t take holding out on him, or keeping this locked up inside anymore. “He told me…”
Dean’s hesitation was going to kill Sam. “What?!”
“That you’re in love with me.” Dean swallowed hard against the acidic taste of a truth never meant to leave his mouth.
*~~
“Sam’s very special, Dean,” John whispered. “And you’ve always meant so much to him. More than you’ll ever realize.”
Dean’s brow furrowed in confusion as his Dad continued.
“I know how this is gonna sound, but it’s true.” A second’s hesitation, as if he didn’t have much time to spare. “Your brother has feelings for you… the serious, romantic kind.”
Dean jerked back and gaped at his father. There was no way he had just heard him right. He misunderstood. He must have…
“He’s different from us… And he’s never been bound by the same rules that you and I… He’s always wanted you, and I wouldn’t have it…”
Shit. This was no misunderstanding.
“This is a secret I never wanted you to know. Ever since I first found out, Sam and I… It’s why we fight so much. It’s why he left.”
No. This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be… but his father would never tell him this if it weren’t, or if it wasn’t absolutely necessary…
“But I get it now. I don’t have to be crazy about the idea.”
Well, Dean didn’t get it, and his father was going so fast… Dean was still trying to wrap his mind around what exactly this ‘idea’ entailed.
“Sam’s in danger of being lost to this demon. It wants him. And without Jess, it just might get him.” More hesitation accompanied by reluctant approval. “He needs you. He needs you to love him.” John was almost in tears. No matter what, he wanted his boys to be safe and happy. “Because sure as anything he loves you. And I think you’re the only one who can save him. From this thing. From himself. From everything.”
Oh God. What the hell did his father just lay on his shoulders?
“Don’t tell him that I told you any of this.” And with that, John pulled away.
Dean couldn’t agree, promise, or even nod. He just stared.
~~*
“What?” Sam’s voice was barely audible.
“You heard me.” Just like Dean had heard his Dad.
“Dad said that I…?” The question was so riddled with masked emotion that it only carried promises of denial.
Dean could match that denial. And then some.
“Save your breath. I know it’s true.”
There had been too much raw emotion spilt today. It had bled from them and infected them. Like the virus. Croatoan. Now, maybe they would disappear too. To their own private hell.
They had let too much slip. The last several months since their father’s death, it was just the two of them. So many times Sam had shown how much he cared about Dean thinking Dean would never really understand the extent of it, and Dean had picked up on it more and more wondering how he was ever going to come to terms with it.
Suffering in silence hadn’t helped. Sharing couldn’t hurt any worse.
This day had just destroyed them, tearing them down to their most basic need for one another. They were stripped to their bare bones, and all Dean could think was that this could be the fork in the road if they didn’t start walking the same path.
Their Dad was right. Sam’s mysterious immunity to the demon virus proved it. His little brother was effectively hellbound. Sam was as good as lost if Dean wouldn’t give him what he wanted. Dean couldn’t even deal with knowing, much less think about acting on that knowledge.
But that’s why his father had told him. To prevent it all from going south.
What the fuck was Dean supposed to do?
All he could manage was idle talk about them taking off to see the Grand Canyon. That was the grand plan; take Sam on just one vacation so they could enjoy their time together as brothers before Sam becomes a lost cause and Dean can’t do anything but hunt him…
Dean didn’t know what scared him more; having to be his brother’s lover or killer.
He wanted a middle ground. And he had searched far and wide for a way to get there. But he was pretty convinced by now that there wasn’t one.
This was it. Stark painful reality. The proverbial moment of truth.
It had to happen. Because the job wasn’t the only thing Dean was tired of doing. It was hiding everything that was getting to him these days. Rage and darkness and despair. Grief and fear and anxiety. Their reign fell upon him and brought him to his knees, and he never used to even flinch at their touch. But this? This was too much. It sent him right over the edge.
And all the while Sam remained speechless. Frozen. Leaving Dean to wait for the thaw.
But Dean had no patience for this when they had nothing left to lose. Dean hadn’t wanted to talk since Dad died. Hell, he’d decided he didn’t want to talk since Dad told him this thing about Sam, but he’d be damned if his brother was just going to shut him out when he finally spoke. “Still wanna lie to me?” Traces of his usual self, but he was far from being there. “Because if you had an excuse prepared in case this ever came up, I’d love to hear it.”
Sam’s eyes were wide and wet. His lip was practically quivering with defeat and discomfort. Dean remembered this. Sam a few hours ago when he thought his life was over and he was going to turn into some unknown evil. So ironic that this moment didn’t really seem any different.
“If you’re expecting me to say something here, I don’t know what you want me to say.” Dean’s voice was eerily calm and quiet. He had to fight the urge to suggest they take a trip to the Grand Canyon again. Or the beach. When were they ever at a beach with sand and surf and sunsets and all that shit? It was just one more thing they never got to experience. Then again, that could be said about so much. And in that instant, Dean regretted all of it.
Sam’s eyes fell to the ground. Confession, complete with shame. Yet vexingly wordless.
“Dad blindsided me with this. And you didn’t hit me with it at all. You just…” Dean never resented his family, and he always tried not to begrudge them anything they did. But this? This left him wondering why he bothered trying so hard when all they had to do was lay their problems on him. “I mean, when the fuck were you going to tell me, Sam?! We’ve been on the road doing this together for a year and a half now!” He didn’t mean it to come out so harsh, but it was running on its own fury. Enough pressure had built up inside him from having to know this and think about it that he didn’t think he’d be able to stand it. And it never stopped. It had never gone away. And now it never would. “So, what? I’m just supposed to pretend this is nothing?”
Sam squeezed his eyes shut. “No.”
“Then, am I supposed to just pretend I’m okay with this?” His tone was biting, and he hadn’t intended it in such a cruel way.
Sam’s eyes shot up, shocked and wounded. He locked his brother in a gaze, and a knife twisted in his heart when Dean squirmed under it.
There was a faint rustling. Metal and gravel mostly. Dean slowly turned his head to see the Impala starting to shake slightly. If Dean wasn’t standing on perfectly stable ground, he would have thought it was a tremor. Some unseen force was rattling the car like a distant earthquake. Restless energy, like the kind Sam tapped into when he unwittingly moved that cabinet. Because it was all life and death and Dean.
When Dean’s eyes met Sam’s again, Sam was still fixed firmly on him, hurt radiating off him in waves of ice. Dean felt the temperature drop in the air all around them. The rattling got louder and the shaking worse, and then it finally drew Sam’s attention. Once Sam glanced over at the car, he took a deep breath in, and the localized quake stopped. The look on his face went from agony to terror. He had scared himself. And when he looked back, he saw that he had scared Dean too.
“You don’t have to do anything…” Sam fumbled for his composure and the strength to make the decision again. “I’m going to leave.”
If Dean could hit the rewind button and backtrack just a few panicked sentences of weakness… Hearing his brother speak those words for the second time in his life just made Dean throw everything into reverse. “I really don’t like that idea.”
“I really don’t care if you like it.” He mustered all the conviction he could. “We should go our separate ways.”
“And I don’t care if you don’t care. I told you, I think that’s a really bad idea, Sam.”
Sam was a rock. Dean was a hard place. And somewhere in between there was the naked truth.
“Why?!” Sam was confounded. He couldn’t stay, and Dean couldn’t let him go. This was a one-way ticket to nowhere. “A minute ago, you didn’t seem like you knew how the hell you were ever going to look me in the eye again, and now you’re suddenly so goddamn sure everything’s going to be alright because we’re going to stick it out or something? What do you want to do, Dean? Get counseling?”
“I want you to talk to me!” Dean didn’t like yelling at his brother, but it seemed like the only way he was going to break through this tirade Sam was on. “I want you to tell me what the fuck is going on with you, because I don’t know! Apparently, I never knew! Dad did though, of course. But neither one of you seemed to think it was worth mentioning to me!” Dean worked to calm himself, because he could feel his heart beating in his throat. “You can’t be in love with me. And you weren’t in love with Jessica either. Because to love someone, you have to trust them! You never told Jess the truth about you… And you never told me either.” Dean felt tears trying to form, and his fist clenched and unclenched. “And you were probably never going to.”
As he lowered his head, Sam might as well have admitted guilt for every single recrimination Dean had called him on.
Dean was suffering a complete loss. So much greater than his father. So much worse than his mother. He was lacking for the only thing in the world that he really believed was his. After all this time, he was so convinced that Sam belonged with him. But he never imagined Sam had similar feelings that ran a wholly different vein of love. Every instinct in him said that was wrong. And every impulse in him said that it was only the difference of his consent that would make right and wrong not matter in the least. Dean wished he felt confused because confusion was a lot more fun than crazy.
“I don’t get it.” Dean’s bewilderment found his voice.
Sam’s voice was hushed. “Don’t get what?”
“Dad’s message.” Dean shrugged helplessly. “I can’t do this.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how I can do this.”
Sam never really believed he would anyway. “Then, you shouldn’t.”
Dean’s ambivalence knew no end. “But I have to.”
“Why?”
“Because…” Dean’s turn to fumble for his cool exterior.
“Tell me. Why?”
“You’re actually gonna make me say this, aren’t you?”
Sam waited patiently, genuinely unsure what was coming.
“Sam, you’re my brother… I love you… Too much not to let this happen.”
“Dean, that sounds a lot less like love and a lot more like you think I’m trying to violate you.” Sam sighed as he saw Dean narrow his eyes. “I don’t want you to let anything…”
Sam was quickly interrupted by Dean’s lips pressing against his. Dean sucked at his bottom lip and then his mouth opened tentatively against Sam’s. And that was when Sam felt it. The ambivalence. Dean was denying everything he knew he could have if he let himself accept it.
When the kiss broke, their breath and their eyes were a little heavier.
Dean had kissed a demon once, and so had Sam for that matter, but somehow this was so much more complicated and difficult. More truth be told, he’d never admit it to his younger brother, but Sam had been the only reason Dean hadn’t taken that demon’s deal to get their father out of hell and back in the world of the living where he belongs. Sam carried all kinds of meaning to Dean. If he wouldn’t accept the bargain of his lifetime to get back their Dad because he needed to watch out for Sam, then how could this push his love for Sam beyond its limit? Did he even have a line drawn in the sand that came close to barring this at the expense of his brother’s soul? When he thought about this, it scared him, because he was getting comfortable with where this was going.
Dean swallowed hard against his pride and his better judgment.
Sam couldn’t help but notice the seeming onset of awkwardness. “Are you okay?”
“If you’re going to be okay… I think I’ll be pretty damn good actually.”
Then, Dean simply smiled. And it took Sam by surprise. But nothing surprised him as much as the courage he was screwing up because of that smile.
“You want to know how I really feel? Because the truth,” Sam paused, emphasizing that last word, “is that I’d rather show you.”
* * *
My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
They had just gotten in the car and driven to the first hotel they saw on the road. They got their room and headed straight for it, Sam seeming determined and leading the way.
As soon as the door closed behind them, Sam reached out for Dean, and Dean let himself be stopped by the contact. Sam rubbed his hand across Dean’s abs over his t-shirt, and when he did that, Dean realized he might not care about right and wrong as much as he thought he did. He never really considered how easy it would be to just stare into Sam’s eyes as he felt a large and warm hand slide under his shirt and wrap around his back to bring him in close.
Suddenly, he was flush against Sam’s body. That was a strange new sensation. Flat chest, all of it rock hard with rippling muscle. A long, thick bulge in Sam’s jeans that was pressed against Dean’s hip. Dean still didn’t know how he was going to be able to do this. In fact, he wasn’t sure he knew what to do at all. This couldn’t have been more confusing. He wondered what he was going to feel when clothes started coming off. He couldn’t concentrate…
This was his baby brother. The one he had saved from the fire 23 years ago. The one he needed to save from another fire that threatened to consume him now from within. But, how did that work? Would this save them both or condemn them? How could he really do this in good conscience? Then again, who in this entire world had ever loved Sammy as much as Dean? He had never dared to love anything the way he did his little brother.
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own
Sam pulled the shirt over Dean’s head, and then he peeled off his own. Dean stood, watching himself as this happened, almost afraid he was having another out-of-body experience. He admired the vast wall of pale skin and firm flesh in front of him, and without even thinking about it, Dean leaned in to kiss Sam. He had to tilt his head back as Sam bent his head down to meet Dean’s lips. Dean tasted coffee on Sam’s tongue, and as the kiss got more heated, Dean caught the scent of Sam’s aftershave.
When Sam pulled back to look into Dean’s eyes, Dean licked his lips and glanced away.
This was so different than anything Dean had ever done. He had no idea how he was doing, because he didn’t have anything to compare it to.
“Sam… I’ve never…”
“Been with another guy before?”
Dean snickered. “I was gonna say that I’ve never been with anyone taller than me.”
Sam grinned from ear to ear. The kind of smile that lit a dingy little hotel room up as if it were Christmas.
“Jesus…” Dean was caught off guard by this moment. “I really am falling for you.”
“I’ve always been in love with you. Always.”
Huge hands ran up and down Dean’s chest, tracing every sinew and valley, and Dean sunk his hand into Sam’s hair and pulled him down for another kiss.
And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Can I get that message home?
Sam moaned into Dean’s mouth as Dean’s fingers touched down on his skin, grazing along his ribs and his abs, until Dean’s hands closed over his hips. A raging hard-on strained against the one Sam had to match, and Sam’s fingers flew to the jeans that were holding Dean’s erection a hostage to his forbidden desires. As the fly was undone, Dean sighed heavily, finding relief from his own inner demons in this surrender.
Sam freed Dean’s cock from his black cotton boxers and fought to restrain himself. He seemed worried, suddenly wrought with apprehension. He gazed into Dean’s eyes, and asked, “What do you want?”
In a dreamy haze, Dean merely managed, “You.”
That was all Sam needed to hear, and he claimed one last deep kiss from Dean. He had to pry himself away from Dean’s lips, and then, he sunk to his knees, and took Dean’s throbbing sex into his mouth, letting it slide in and out, drawing his lips back as he glanced up at his brother. Dean’s eyes were closed at first, but soon, they were opened and soaking up the sight of Sam’s lips wrapped around him, making him feel like he was the only person in the world, the only thing Sam would ever need to be happy.
My song is love
My song is love unknown,
But I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own
Every caress of Sam’s tongue felt like silk. Like Sam couldn’t get enough of Dean’s taste.
Sam sucked furiously, lavishing attention on every inch of Dean’s cock. He tugged the denim lower on Dean’s hips, and he felt Dean’s knees get weak and nearly buckle when he ran his hands up Dean’s leg and then around the inside of his thigh. He pushed Dean back to the wall, allowing him to brace himself against it, and then returned to sucking Dean’s dark sex.
“Sammy!” Dean called out Sam’s name, and the world was spinning off its axis. The invisible strings that held everything in place snapped and everything came together instead of falling apart. Dean was coming in his brother’s mouth, and his brother was devouring his come like it would finally satisfy the hunger that consumed him. Nothing remotely normal about this, and Dean could only think how much he always scoffed at normal. This just made the top of the list for reasons why normal wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
As Sam rose to his feet, Dean was barely able to keep himself from collapsing into his brother’s arms.
“Tell me you need me.” Dean’s voice was filled with ache. “Because I’ve always needed you.”
Sam could have burst into tears, but instead he just pressed his hips into Dean and leaned in close to his ear. “I need you.”
And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home
Dean saw Sam’s eyes full of truth and need and love and desire, and all Dean could think was how amazing it was to see Sam like that, to know Sam saw him and was overwhelmed by those emotions.
Feeling Sam still swollen within the denim, Dean reached down and unzipped Sam’s jeans, quickly working them around his hips, and taking Sam’s cock in his hand. Sam buried his head in Dean’s neck, breathing in Dean’s cheap cologne mixed with the scent of sex and sweat. Sam loved it, loved nothing more than this. The feel of Dean’s fingers massaging his cock, moving up and down the shaft slowly at first and then faster.
This was the strangest thing that didn’t feel strange. Dean was struck by how all his qualms about touching Sam vanished without a trace when Sam needed him and loved him, and Dean couldn’t deny it anymore; the feeling was becoming more and more mutual. He wondered why the fuck he had wasted so much time, why no one had told him sooner, why he never would have found himself falling for Sam if he hadn’t known how Sam felt about him. None of it seemed fair.
But this? This would change everything. It would save them both. Dean was more certain of that than he ever had been of anything.
And I'm not gonna stand and wait
I'm not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform, I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home
“Dean.” Sam whimpered, never having felt as close to his brother as he did in this moment.
Sam’s seed spilled on Dean’s hand, and he lifted his head to gaze into Dean’s eyes as his climax blazed through his entire body.
Dean brushed the wavy stray hair away from Sam’s eyes, and he felt weird and weirdly at peace all at once.
This was their salvation. Not just Sam’s, but his too. Dean could feel it. Like a sixth sense.
Sam rested his forehead against Dean’s. “Dean, I’m sorry I never told you… I just…”
“It’s okay, Sam.” Dean smiled reassuringly. “I get the message.”
My song is love, is love unknown?
And I've got to get that message home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~