Date: 10/24/2010 - 05:50 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Show Me
This is extremely painful and makes me sad. Their lives have always been like this, losing so much, knowing they can't have even a small fraction of what others do, not even having a chance to dream, but at the same time having exactly everything they would want every time the choice has to be made, each other.
This hurt more because Jessica was the person Sam truly loved when he tried to build a "normal" for himself. To have him open all his wounds and his guilt like this really hurts but then Dean knows him inside out, knows what he is feeling but is controlling himself, only he can make him let go, he is the only person Sam would show his "weakness" to, only he can put Sam back together.
Another extremely painful point was Dean telling Sam about his meetings with the counselor. Both the boys suffered a lot while growing but I always feel somewhat more for Dean because Sam always had Dean - someone who loved him beyond all, someone who kept Sam as his sole focus and purpose in life, someone who was there for every little injury and every achievement, someone Sam could count on. But while Dean had the same devotion from Sam, he had to grow up suddenly, had no one who was there for him for his injuries, for his achievements, he did not even let himself dream. This little piece of memory that he shared with Sam affirms my ideas. I love them both, will never and can never chose one over the other, how can I love one and not the other? Both of them are dysfunctional, damaged, obsessed, hurt, abused by circumstances, and still always the most beautiful people inside.
I really liked that in the end when Dean was moving away, Sam turned, held Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him. This is beautiful for me because it shows that even though Dean has to be in control when taking care of Sam's pain, and while Sam follows Dean's commands, he is free to express his emotions (and knows it) and both are equal. That is a given fact anyway because none of the two would even want to eclipse the other's personality.
This again highlights why I love the show - mainly because of Sam and Dean and the way they love each other and the fact that even after losing everything so many times, not having any comforts in their lives, not gaining any personal benefits from things, they still go and fight for others.
Thanks for sharing this.
Author's Response: Thank you for that very thoughtful review. I'm glad you got all that from this story. You have a point there, when you say that Sam always had Dean when they were growing up, because he's got a head start by a few years, but if this story leaves you with anything I hope you can see that Dean has always had Sam too, sometimes as a purpose and a charge and sometimes as a reason to get up in the mornings. The power balance here is a tricky thing so I'm really glad you caught the significance of that kiss in the end. They are equal. It just takes some funny expressions sometimes. In a realtionship like this one there is just as much power in letting someone do these things to you as there is in being the one who does them, if that makes any sense to you at all. Thank you so much for reading and giving me a glimpse of what you're thoughts are on this story.
Date: 01/18/2010 - 04:56 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Scouting Ahead
Wow!! this one was epic! Amazingly well written. I love it so much xD
Author's Response: Why, thank you. I'm glad you liked it. It has a companion piece that you might want to check out.
Date: 08/29/2009 - 10:59 am Title: Chapter 1 - Show Me
The above comments pretty much sum up what I was going to say (and probably in a much more intelligent way than I would LOL)....but I wanted to make sure I left you a review to let you know how powerful this story was.
I could feel the emotions as if I was watching them in front of my eyes. You are....awesome.
Author's Response: Well, hey thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I always enjoy getting some kind of response, you know, and you've given me two big compiments here. Thank you so much for getting the emotions and for using a word like "awesome". That gives me a big happy.
Date: 06/24/2009 - 10:15 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Scouting Ahead
Waahow, So.. rack another one up under 'Morgan's Hottest Hits'. You're spinning my parts.. AGAIN. Now who's gonna put me back together?
'Innocent little Sammy looking so damned good right now Dean has to take a few moments to not just give in and go to it.' - Already, you're playing bouncy with my needs, and I kind of think you know that. 'The way Sam moved, the way his hips drove, all that hard muscle and all that grace, all that strength…' - I mean, do you want me to wrap my legs around the screen? 'Dean can see Sam’s face... He can see the slight grimaces of pain... The humiliation in Sam’s eyes... he can’t handle being seen like that' - I'm turning and turning. '... with Sam looking at him like that, eyes wet and a little drugged and he’s fucking begging.. this is getting to the point where he needs more right this damned minute. Dean undoes his jeans, eyes locked with his brother’s in the mirror all the while.' - AHHH! Sam is plainly needy, deeply embarrassed and wants. 'Fuck me, mark me, make me yours' - If you insist, Sammy. 'Too hot, too tight, too close and the noise Sam makes, that harsh breath carrying a pained elongated vowel rich version of Dean’s name is almost too much.' - You know, I hate to sound so damn agreeable all the time, but.. Yes, Yahess, it is. And, Sam's noise.. the best music, and Dean doesn't care if he goes deaf, so long as he can keep this - I don't have a word for the appreciative little sounds I'm making to that. Sam 'is every inch the fallen angel with his hair hanging over his forehead and every jerk of Dean’s hips slamming him forwards.' - So, that's one of my favorite lines in this chapter, though, there are many, but..Daaham. 'Sam wants hard? Jesus Christ, like Dean could stop himself now' - Umm.. ya, that's another one. '.. when he comes whiteout hard and Sam joins him on the second spasm.. Sam looking all kinds of lost and wicked and perfect, the mirror splits right down the middle and crashes into the sink, the light flickers, strobing them, and the fixtures rattle on the walls.' - Uhh.. ya, earthquakes all around, Dude. 'Sam, his beautiful weapon. .. has gotten the earthquake out of his system.. ' 'The hell are you doing to me, Dean?' - I could ask you the same damn question.. MORGAN!
'Dean only ever cried out for Sam. And now he has him... because they might fit together, and Jesus, they do, but they may very well be the death of each other too. Again.' And you know I get all girly with the kissing. 'They can be at peace for a while now.' - Sure, they're at peace, while I'm all kinds of dizzy and fucked up over here.. feel kind of .. pureed. Obviously, in all the awesome ways.
Author's Response: Wrapping your legs around the screen? Awesome. And I kind of like you in an acquiescent mood. Getting girly over the kissing is nice too. You know, your reviews always make me smile one of those big smiles. And I'm not doing anything. I'm as innocent as a lamb, as pure as the driven snow... well, aherm... I might not be able to pull that off, huh? Anyway... thank you so much for telling me what you liked and for you know, the leg-wrapping, girly-part spinning, general agreement and dizziness. Makes me feel I did something right.
Date: 06/24/2009 - 07:58 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Scouting Ahead
Oh gods...oh gods...that love Dean has, the kind that hides behind desperate determination...that does things that Sam needs and wants and Dean know that it's love that drives it, but it tears his heart too...and Dean brings Sam back from doubt and pain with love laced with more pain until there's only him and Sammy, the person he loves beyond his own life.
And a thread of control, a thin thread that almost snaps but holds so they don't start again.
All that because Sam needs to sleep and needs to know that Dean loves him beyond anything or anyone else.
When Dean covered him with the blankets, I fell apart.
So much love...knowing the cost of avoiding the pain and the hurt was higher than the cost of enduring it and bringing his life and his love safe out the other side...
So much love...Dean...so much love...and no question in his mind and soul that Sam's worth it...
Author's Response: Yeah, it's kinda hella complicated the whole thing. There's big love. Big stuff going on too. The thing about control is that it's hardly worth a thing if it doesn't take some effort and that's what I'm trying to show here. I guess you got that, huh? See, sometimes I go a little darkside, but it's on a solid foundation. I can't thank you enough for all your kind words and for falling apart at the littlest thing, which is all kinds of awesome. Thank you for reading and reviewing and sticking with me.
Date: 06/23/2009 - 03:23 am Title: Chapter 2 - Tender Mercies
Hot & cold. Rough & smooth. kept & confessed. Dirty & clean. Why, even wet & dry. I think you've represented many of the basic Pain & Comfort groups in the Punishment & Reward pyramid, quite nicely.
Thank you for the water. I was getting real thirsty too. Can you have both, honesty and compliancy? Or, is being honest, compliant? 'Sam gives him an over the shoulder glance with wet smoky eyes and Dean smiles at him a little crooked.' - I like being reminded of their basic connection. The pain & pleasure with the rough brush - the subsonic hum. - I get that. I love that Dean is giving Sam this honesty, this confession. I realize he has been giving to Sam, all along, what Sam needs, for Sam. But, it's good to hear it too. To see another dimension of it. Yes, Sam as a weapon is a very good analogy - He needs maintenance too. I love that Dean thinks Sam's ticklish foot is cute - Adds another layer. Sam just lets Dean dip his head under water - Deep love-sigh from me. Sam lets him do whatever he wants & makes that little noise so close to a purr - there... there's my heart, green right? But for Dean, it's a little more south, and well... red. I do get that Sam can't think himself out of everything and that he needs to be able to hone in, and focus his pain & guilt, to keep them alive, because of what they're called to do. 'Dean kind of wants to put his own mark there too, a very bad thought.' - Ya, o.k., I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying, I understand. ;D Ohh, and props to 'tricky territory' and majorly dangerous Sam. Too fascinated with each other to look at themselves in the mirror - all the heart and longing colors.
He wears it well. You write it well. And I'm on a rainbow. So Sam's taking, is giving and Dean's giving, is taking. I like that, a lot. Dark skitters and palpable currents. Yes Sammy please, stay right there.
Author's Response: I don't know if you can have honesty period. But Dean can at least get Sam to stop lying about the little inconsequential stuff. Uhm... well. Sam as a weapon - we'll be exploring that a little, as well as honesty and - hell, too. Some in this piece some in the companion piece, some in a piece just kicking around in my head right now. Green heart, a good clean color for it - or, so I've been told. Dean is probably a little less clean right now. Yeah. And I'm glad you understand about the marking. It's always a little tricky. Dean is about to have some more bad thoughts in the last chapter. Thank you as always for the colors and the many nice words and for telling me what you like.
Date: 06/22/2009 - 09:16 am Title: Chapter 2 - Tender Mercies
You're time molding again - yes indeed you are! In a very good way...
The bathing gives Sam a chance to relax and allows the reader an opportunity to remember the sounds of a bath, the water lapping against the bather's body, making a mini-lake sound.
Dean cradling Sam's head n his palm, Sam resting back completely trusting Dean...time wanders off and lets the reader loll somewhere else in memory.
Long, smooth motions of the brush over every inch of Sam's body, the silent, complete trust when Dean slides Sam beneath the water...
The tempo picks up a little in the shower and Dean's bringing Sam back from the cold when he gets him out of the water and rubs him dry.
"Having you, Sammy, that's all I need. That's how you take care of me."
It looks at first read like something Sam could argue. But when a person stops to think about it, what Dean's saying is also making a demand on Sam. In order to fulfil Dean's needs, Sam has to be there. Completely. And he has to stay there. Completely. Sam...all of him....and that's a great deal for Dean to ask.
Dean's incredibly intelligent (but we already know that) and it shows clearly in this chapter. He's well aware of Sam's propensity for thinking things to death and he's not going to have that...
The whole idea that Dean can control the movement of the moment is pretty mind boggling in an understated way...
but totally believable...
Again, I understand more of what this series is about, and I'm much more comfortable reading it. Sam and Dean's characters are so solidly portrayed, and they show things that I wish the creators of SPN had figured out and drawn more clearly.
These few moments thunder quietly....it's the kind of storm building that you do with that great effort that makes the finished product look so easily created...
Author's Response: Time is always a little bendy around my stuff, so thanks for that. The bathing is a little back and forth in time too, what with confessions and talking about honesty and all that. Dean ... well, yeah, Dean needs for Sam to be there. And like you say that is a huge, big thing to ask of someone. The way I see it, Sam lets Dean take care of him and that is something Dean really needs after hell. He needs to be allowed to do what it is in his nature to do - he's always taken care of Sam in some way, but the stakes are higher and everything is in sharper contrast now. And then you go and flatter the hell out of me in the last line there. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and for getting more comfortable with the material.
Date: 06/21/2009 - 02:57 pm Title: Chapter 2 - Tender Mercies
it's so srange because yes... the sexual context is very heavy here but or some reason that's nt what the story seems to be about.
I think you put it to word beautifully, the way they need each ther, the raw love and need to be close, not just phisically but mentaly too.
it's amazing to read the blind faith and trust Sam has in Dean that he knows that Dean will take care of him but will never take it to far. at least I hpe he's never gonna take it too far and really hurt Sam.
I love how eager Sam is tojust let Dean have all the reigns to just give up and give in to his older brother and I can't wait for the next chapter, as always this is a fatastic story.
I love the way you write because you hit my 2 basic needs, hot sex and a deep emotional subtext. this is awesome, just like all your other work, amazingly doe
Author's Response: You got it in one. Sometimes there is more to it than just sweaty bodypart. Thank you for noticing. Thank you also for saying so very many nice things and telling me what you like about it. Makes my day. Trust is key to all realtionships, and even more so with these guys, so I'm glad you like it. And it's good to know I can hit your two big basic needs. That's just... awesome. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Date: 06/20/2009 - 09:47 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Show Me
I think I'll have that first little visual of Sam, tattooed to my eyeballs. That's better than ice cream. This was great (gave me all kinds of feelings) - it was kinky (in an awesome way I didn't really see coming) and humiliating. No... more than that It seemed horribly painful for Sam. At this point I want to say how I know I shouldn't enjoy that - but it's intriguing & pulling & invasively intimate, and I do like it, completely.
I could feel the tension & the wheels turning in Dean when Sam was interacting with the coffee chick. I've got to say, I'm sad & and angry for Sam. His mind has gone to what he maybe fucked himself out of ever having. (Dean does have a part to play in that). 'What would you do to her?' - totally did not expect that & switched me on, instantly. But Sam is sad & teary, & it makes me sad, yet wanty. The eye contact gets to me, quite nicely - ALL OF IT. 'Fierce as Sam is he’s kind of helpless like this and it’s so intoxicating watching him try to convey how he would never do that now, not when he’s Dean’s.. ' - O.k., 'Fierce', 'helpless', & 'intoxicating' - Very getting for me. '.. palms down flat on the bed and don’t move unless I say so.’
Tears & pain & shame - hurts me and I love it (I should really evaluate that some day, but Sam's turned on, so I guess I'm in the clear for now). I LOVE EVERY SINGLE THING that Dean orders Sam to do (Uhhh, with Dean's hand & the pillows). Sam forgets his shyness, and just does as he's commanded. Yes, I bet Jess made a lot of noises - why, I'm making my own share. 'First he takes another long appreciative tour of his brother’s splayed out body, legs slightly parted, hair a mess, eyes haunted and wet and trained on Dean with a kind of hopeful wary apprehension that pushes this all into the sublime.' - See? Right there. So so sad & so so screaming with the hotness. '-No, leave them like that. Like you just couldn’t wait.' - That little detail runs through me so smooth & yummy - just like, 'that animal place'.
Yes, Sam is Dean's. But that's a sharp ass line he's crossing. And now Sam's getting up for more. Well, I'm on pins & needles for that. Hey you, I want to jump in your brain and swim around and stay awhile. Better than the Land of Dairy Queen. ;P Just... Yum.
Author's Response: Better than ice cream? Well, awhlriight... If you're a little uneasy about enjoying it I think I did my job. Thank you for the cherry picking and the little noises. And you know about my brain... first off, weird imagery, but I'll go with it. And secondly, if there is a map to that place it's bound to have very large areas of uncharted waters with the legend "here be dragons". And maybe some angler fish as well. But thank you, thank you and you're too kind. Big smile on my part.
Date: 06/19/2009 - 09:02 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Show Me
Well I believe Gayle said it all, didn't she? Truly...this series is becoming every bit the masterpieces FTW and Cognitive Dissonance were.
Truly a darkly beautiful setting. I hope Dean can keep his control, because Gayle's right. If he were to fail now? It would be apocalyptic for them both.
Author's Response: Well, thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you like it. And it would be interesting if Dean slipped now, wouldn't it? Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Date: 06/19/2009 - 07:16 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Show Me
Dean is treading a fine, fine line here...oh so carefully. But I wish that someone was treading an equally fine line with him because he's putting himself all the way out there to claim Sam, to bring him away from that incinerator of a room and the memories. To help him realize that they can be dealt with and that he's there with Sam, that Sam saying that he's Dean's means that Dean's saying that he's Sam's.
He's stretched even more thinly than Sam, truly because no one has his back in these moments. He's the only person he can rely on to stick it through the hurting Sam's facing and dealing with, to maintain himself while he watches to be sure that he's with Sam, where he needs to be to let Sam work through things, watching every move, every inhalation and exhalation, pulling Sam through at tremendous expense to himself at the same time.
And he can't let up, and he can't tell Sam what he's doing. But he has to keep breathing and staying in control and watching Sam for the infinitesimal changes, the clues that let him help him brother face memory and deal with it.
Dean remembers Hell. Clearly. And he knows that what he's doing for Sam now can never drift from the line he's set for it.
The costs would be catastrophic if Dean were to fail. Catastrophic to both of them.
My shoulders are knotted and my head hurts. Which means that, once again, you are writing deep into the soul of things...
All the way down to the bones...and back again...
Author's Response: It's a two-way street, sure. Owning and being owned. Especially when they're like this. And thank you for thinking that this is all the way in to the soul and bones. Makes me think of that line "the foul rag and bone shop of the heart"... Could be from Nabokov... but I digress. There's going to be more on Dean's state of grace over the next chapters, but I'm glad you got that sense that he's hanging on hard here. Even if I think it's a little funny that you worry about Dean in this scenario.