[Report This]Date: 09/09/2012 - 01:38 am Title: Getting lost
I absolutely love the way you ended this series. I was somehow sure it would end badly or or at least with the foreboding of the bad to come. You gave it hope with Deans turning his focus to the light, to the positive, the love between them and away from the really frightening and dangerous duel addictions they had both been feeding. Dean's choice to go down on Sam instead of causing him wanted pain was altruistic and so beautifully expressed with his fighting the flashbacks of the assaults he endured in Hell. Replacing those horrific memories with the loving gentle touch of his brother.
" There is still light in all this. Dean can see blood and violence between them but he can go the other way. He has earned the right for lack of a better word with Sam whenever he fucking feels like it.. He keeps up the caress, keeps it close to pain for a little while longer then turns this all into something else....
It's sweat and salt and sweet Sam noises and all these things can act as dampers for his fragmented memories and shattered heart."
--Man, that is poetry!!!!!!
" But nothing is uncomplicated and nothing is untouched....There are so many triggers, but not all of them have to be bad. This can be them too-No 'sir', no blood, no orders to obey,....
Dean feels Sam's hands on his shoulders and neck and for a tense second he expects Sam to suddenly close his fingers in a vice like grip until he remembers that this is not like that at all. Sam is tender like he is asking permission to touch.
Sam's hands are trembling but sure and he doesn't grasp or grab or claw. There is a gentle reverence in his touch that Dean returns with his own mouth and hands.
Better this way tonight. Better this way when he can be this good to his brother. Hurt him just enough to make him breathless and sweaty and climb up through the hole Dean dug them into with his rage."
GOD--that is so gorgeous and insightful. Dean got them in this mess with his rage and his darkness that is sooo connected to Sam's guilt and pain.--with the best of intentions but still its like they are being sucked down by quick sand. Dean makes this beautiful and wise choice to go go the other way. I am not sure I believe that this would be the end of the dark road--I think this is very, very hard stuff to get past but I will suspend disbelief and believe what I want to for your powerful stories and these beautiful boys.
The sweet side issue of the unearthly happenings around their lovemaking is just so endearing it's such lovely icing on the cake---you are truly an artist!
Thank you so much for this set of stories. You have stretched my frame of reference immensely and given me one more reason to hold these guys to my heart.
Adriannah
Author's Response: Cautiously optimistic endings are ... well, sometimes necessary. We're still dealing with free will and choices, integrity at the moment of choice, something like that. Thank you for cherry picking so thoroughly, it really is very rewarding to see what stuck a chord. In my mind I'm not all the way convinced this is the end of the series, it's just where I left off for the time being. Dean's made that comment about breaking Sam down with gentleness before and I keep thinking that's a big debt to be working off, but cautiously optimistic is one way to go. Thank you so much for saying such nice things about it and for reading and reviewing and letting me know how you felt about it. It matters more than you know.
[Report This]Date: 08/23/2012 - 07:20 pm Title: Welts, not Scars
This is daunting--I have done very few reviews--I feel intimidated by writing as rich as yours. But I have promised myself to do this since your stories do so much for me.
I am fairly new to Slash and these are really the first BDSM stories I have gotten into. Another 'who knew?' for me. They are so intricate and thoughtful (and SO HOT) in exploring a world I had really always kind of dismissed as weird. Of course I used to feel that way about Slash.
Seeing the way Deans time in hell so utterly and believably affects his perceptions and behavior with Sam is .fascinating and heart wrenching. And the overriding, all consuming and ever present love between them is intoxicating.
The gorgeous way you use the English language is probably the aspect above all the rest that has me enthralled with your work. Hmmm, so many examples...
"Sam is stunning when he begs. Even with unmitigated desire on his features he is still proud. Defiant...Sam is harder to get to, really get to than anyone Dean has ever been with. Ever It's scary because damn the lines are blurry and Sam is... Sam is Everything. Always.
Sigh...Do you write poetry? So much of your stuff reads like poetry.
There is so much to this stuff I could go on and on but I will wait till the next chapter to continue.
Keep writing. I know you will! You should be published!
Author's Response: I seem to have a knack for getting people to read outside their comfort zone, which is all kinds of gratifying and awesome, as far as I'm concerned. It is a strange world, all of it, and pain does up the game, especially with these two, what with thing being what they are ... Thank you so much for cherry picking, I always get a kick out of that. I write pretty much everything, so yes, poetry has been known to happen. Thank you for saying so very many nice things to me about this. And I am looking forward to hearing more from you. As for getting published, well - that really ain't up to me, but thank you for that and for reading and reviewing and telling me about it.
[Report This]Date: 07/13/2011 - 02:30 pm Title: Welts, not Scars
{Dean has learned all the ways to hurt someone. All of them, down to flaying flesh from bones and Sam still trusts him like this.}
Boy, yeah, knowing that would add a whole new layer of trust in a D/s relationship.
Author's Response: I kind of think it takes someone about as bat-shit crazy as Dean himself is to even go there. And the level of trust is actually one of the scariest things in this whole 'verse. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Date: 10/24/2010 - 07:51 pm Title: Getting lost
There is so much going on here - Sam's claim has always predated everything else. I recall in the last story Sam hurt thinking about where Dean got the practice, it is so painful to even think of Dean's time in hell.
The lines: "They are twins in this, they both know it. Dean knows Sam and Sam turns to him for this, because he knows Dean. " and
"Sam needs to call him by his name, call him brother, so Dean doesn’t lose his humanity again."
are beautiful, as are many other lines.
I cannot believe this series is finished. I loved this and all the pain it brought because it also brought in a lot of insight into their lives. More importantly it opened them to each other - a part that was seriously lacking in season 4.
Thanks for writing this and sharing.
Author's Response: Thank you for cherry picking and for sticking with this arc all the way to this point, despite it being a little out of your comfort zone. I am really glad you liked it and I have certainly enjoyed your reviews throughout. The thing is, I'm not all the way sure I'm done with this yet, but we'll just have to see how that goes. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and telling me about it. That makes all the difference to me.
Date: 10/24/2010 - 07:30 pm Title: Closing a Wound
I loved this. I especially liked the moments which emphasized that there is no shame between them - Sam can want anything and have it with Dean without feeling the shame over it. I loved the way Dean kissed him gently - it felt like a way to convey to Sam that Dean still loves him even after knowing all his "dark" secrets.
And it is not earthquake, just Sam and Dean :-).
Thanks for sharing.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this. It's got an overall gentler tone to it and the whole point it that Sam can have what he needs and not let the shame rule him when it comes to that. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Date: 10/24/2010 - 06:34 pm Title: Six Ways From Sunday
Absolutely gorgeous. I really like getting both POV's, that makes the whole difference between being interested in the story and being really moved by it. Both the parts in this set are emotionally draining - then they leave us with some more insights into the boy's minds, their needs, and knowledge of the fact that what they want most in the universe is each other. In the same moment each of them owns (and belongs to) the other.
I know Sam's truly loved Jess, that is never a question in my mind. I also truly feel that there is nobody he has loved the way he loves Dean.
I do like that Sam is jealous of the angels, I liked his analysis that Dean would never begrudge anything that would put a smile on Sam's face but Sam is jealous. This reminds me that I missed mentioning in the last story - I liked that Sam's hand covers the scar on Dean's shoulder. I also hope it will fade in time :-).
Thanks for writing this and sharing.
Author's Response: Thank you for that. It's kind of a tricky thing to pull off, telling both sides of an event and keeping it interesting enough that it doesn't feel like a pale repetition, so I am very glad you like it. I agree with you about Sam loving Jess, but like you say, the thing between him and Dean goes deeper. Of course it does. It's rewarding to hear that you liked Sam's jealousy and the cause of it, along with that palm print. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Date: 10/24/2010 - 05:50 pm Title: Addressing Some Issues
This is extremely painful and makes me sad. Their lives have always been like this, losing so much, knowing they can't have even a small fraction of what others do, not even having a chance to dream, but at the same time having exactly everything they would want every time the choice has to be made, each other.
This hurt more because Jessica was the person Sam truly loved when he tried to build a "normal" for himself. To have him open all his wounds and his guilt like this really hurts but then Dean knows him inside out, knows what he is feeling but is controlling himself, only he can make him let go, he is the only person Sam would show his "weakness" to, only he can put Sam back together.
Another extremely painful point was Dean telling Sam about his meetings with the counselor. Both the boys suffered a lot while growing but I always feel somewhat more for Dean because Sam always had Dean - someone who loved him beyond all, someone who kept Sam as his sole focus and purpose in life, someone who was there for every little injury and every achievement, someone Sam could count on. But while Dean had the same devotion from Sam, he had to grow up suddenly, had no one who was there for him for his injuries, for his achievements, he did not even let himself dream. This little piece of memory that he shared with Sam affirms my ideas. I love them both, will never and can never chose one over the other, how can I love one and not the other? Both of them are dysfunctional, damaged, obsessed, hurt, abused by circumstances, and still always the most beautiful people inside.
I really liked that in the end when Dean was moving away, Sam turned, held Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him. This is beautiful for me because it shows that even though Dean has to be in control when taking care of Sam's pain, and while Sam follows Dean's commands, he is free to express his emotions (and knows it) and both are equal. That is a given fact anyway because none of the two would even want to eclipse the other's personality.
This again highlights why I love the show - mainly because of Sam and Dean and the way they love each other and the fact that even after losing everything so many times, not having any comforts in their lives, not gaining any personal benefits from things, they still go and fight for others.
Thanks for sharing this.
Author's Response: Thank you for that very thoughtful review. I'm glad you got all that from this story. You have a point there, when you say that Sam always had Dean when they were growing up, because he's got a head start by a few years, but if this story leaves you with anything I hope you can see that Dean has always had Sam too, sometimes as a purpose and a charge and sometimes as a reason to get up in the mornings. The power balance here is a tricky thing so I'm really glad you caught the significance of that kiss in the end. They are equal. It just takes some funny expressions sometimes. In a realtionship like this one there is just as much power in letting someone do these things to you as there is in being the one who does them, if that makes any sense to you at all. Thank you so much for reading and giving me a glimpse of what you're thoughts are on this story.
Date: 10/23/2010 - 07:53 pm Title: Even Deeper
I have no words to describe it - I feel the need, desperation, the love so very deeply here. There is a sense of devotion, a sense of possession and belonging at the same time. I want to read it all over again. I was completely immersed in it but have missed so much at the same time so I need to reread it, reread it, and reread it. It is in moments like this when I wish I were a writer so I could express myself because saying "I loved this" or that "this moved me" is quite inadequate. I must have mentioned before that BDSM labels send me away but this series is like a black hole from which I cannot escape - and the term is used as a compliment here because I am an astrophysicist.
Thank you so very much for writing in this fandom and sharing your work. Please don't stop writing here and don't move to other fandoms :-).
Author's Response: Thank you. Re-reading. That's a huge compliment there and that has definitely put a smile on my face. I think you're donig a very good job of expressing yourself, and more than that, I'm very glad you took the time to tell me about it. That's really one of the best compliments that I can get. Also - astrophysics? That's very cool. And really intriguing. And also - huge big compliment there at the end. Don't really know how to respond to that, except by saying as long as someone is out there reading I'll keep working on it.
Date: 10/23/2010 - 01:52 am Title: Welts, not Scars
Another brilliant piece. What I like best is that amidst all the pain, deep thought processes running in their minds, there is still so much tenderness. I love the fact that Dean can break Sam with gentleness, and the end when they don't stop touching each other, Sam smiles, open and unguarded, and they are at peace.
One of the many favorite lines:
"They do battle with everything except this thing that lives between them.".
Thanks for sharing.
p.s.: By mistake I did not start reading the series in sequence (read "Ask..." and "Acts..." first. Oh well.
Author's Response: Thank you again. You don't always have to have a heavy hand to break someone. It makes sense to read these in the order they were posted, since each piece has a companion piece from the other brother's POV, but you can read them however-the-hell you like, as long as you read. And for that I am profoundly grateful. Also thank you for reviewing.
Date: 10/23/2010 - 01:21 am Title: Acts of Contrition
I forgot to mention in my last review that usually I, almost never, read anything labeled BDSM. I loved seeing both POVs here and that made it a strong story for me. I must also say that I am fascinated by things that are ruled by deep emotions and not just by actions. I have not read most of your work but what I read gives me the confidence and courage to read whatever you have written because the focus is the love of Sam and Dean for each other at the exclusion of all else in the universe.
As you may have noticed, I am in the process of reading your stories one by one :-).
Thanks again.
Author's Response: It's always nice to hear that I have gotten a reader outside their comfort zone. I think the description of this as BDSM is probably a little clumsy, 'cause that's not really what this is, it's more than just the sum of the parts, but within the parameters of this site I don't always know how to warn the reader of what I'm doing, so... Thank you again, and thank you so much for reading my stories. That's really cool.
Date: 10/23/2010 - 01:14 am Title: Acts of Contrition
I cannot describe how beautiful this story is. Perhaps it was easier for me to read this because I have already read "Ask For It". The actions are definitely painful, at least for me, but the emotions overpower everything here. The love and trust they have for each other and the fact that it is what they would literally do anything for is the foundation for my love for them.
And absolutely loved:
"This is what love looks like between the two of them. Dean with his back to the wall trying to be better than he is and Sam on his knees begging him not to be."
Thanks so much for sharing this.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. I tend to aim for emotional content under the ... whatever else is going on, to my mind that always deepens the impact of the actual action. Again, thank you for cherry picking, that is all the way awesome. The whole point to my thinking is that doing "anything" for someone else is volitile and dangerous, even when it works.
Date: 10/23/2010 - 12:16 am Title: Ask for it
This feel so dark, deep, and comprised of many layers, especially the psychological aspect of needing something that only the other can provide, providing something that the other person needs. And the shift between moments when it was all about Sam to the moment when it was all about Dean. I can't express my thoughts well but I liked it.
Thanks for sharing.
Author's Response: I think you express your thoughts plenty well enough. I am glad you liked it, and that you stuck with it, despite the darkness. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
[Report This]Date: 08/06/2010 - 11:14 am Title: Getting lost
Wow!
Author's Response: Thank you, thank you. And thanks for reading and reviewing.
[Report This]Date: 08/06/2010 - 11:04 am Title: Getting lost
So amazingly well written, the tension just building up, you're not giving away anything!
Author's Response: Thank you for complimenting me on the writing and for reading and reviewing. Means a lot.
[Report This]Date: 08/03/2010 - 09:48 pm Title: Getting lost
You are my favourite.
Author's Response: I'm glad to hear that. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. And making me go "aw, shucks".